Something New

Sometimes I feel like that I go through life with my finger on a button marked 'self-destruct', I don't know if this is normal, but I feel like this pretty regularly. 

Now I have this life, and I've tried so hard to get to where I am today, I tackled my a levels, the first few years of my degree, I've worked through personal barriers and I've worked really hard to make a three year, relatively easy relationship become a four year relationship whilst also making it long distance. I've built friendships, a life for myself. So why is it that the only thing keeping me from pressing this metaphorical button is fear?

I feel like i have the power to destroy everything if i desired. Like when you implode a building marked for demolition. Theoretically I could do it, leave everything behind, quit my job, find someone to take my lease, quit my course and just take off. It wouldn't be a problem financially. I could get a tank of fuel and a ferry ticket, drive to the continent, probably Paris, something I've always wanted to do anyway. Travel and live off of my savings. Until I found a job that is, something that wouldn't require sweat and tears, and working so hard that I border on insanity, without even knowing if it would get me anywhere. Maybe I'd dye my hair,  take up a new hobby. Maybe I'd read the books growing dusty in a pile in my room, watch the films that I've always wanted to see but not got round to. Maybe I could learn to sing, then I could join a band. Or even just have the time to go to more gigs, the underground metal scene perhaps? Although my taste is becoming progressively more indie recently. 

I would struggle however, to leave behind people, the friends I've made, particularly over the last few years, and when I think of this I don't at all understand why I feel like this. Plus, I love everything medical, I couldn't imagine giving up my dream to have a career in it. I also love Brighton. I'm lucky to live in what is probably one of my favourite cities in the uk, so much that I don't want to leave it when I graduate. 

I've never been one for big change, especially before I came here. The idea of things not staying exactly as they did before used to petrify me, but actually I think coming here has made me see that change isn't always that bad. Change drives progress. 

I think it stems down to the fact that somewhere in my life I'm dissatisfied. I'm not sure which aspect it is but it's increasingly becoming an issue. Theoretically, life is great, but I can't quite shake this feeling. I'm craving something new, but that doesn't mean that everything has to be new. I just need to work this out for myself.

I'm not that great at French anyway....

XOX

A Blog About Being Uninspired

I'm so uninspired I cant even think of a better title for this blog.

At the moment I'm approaching exam period, so basically I've been spending pretty much every waking hour at uni, more specifically in the library (seriously I'm here right now if you want to check it up!) this means that I haven't had much time to blog, or in fact do much of anything except for sleep and the 12 hours a week I give to Asda! 

But going back to basics with my blog: getting into medical school. I desperately need a 2:1 in this year to be considered for a medical school, and although so far this year I've managed to sustain this despite one particular questionable exam result in January. This means, although progress has been good so far this year, I desperately need to do well in these exams.

More recently I've been contemplating if my life would be easier if I just left after this degree and got a related job to do with my current degree. I haven't been feeling incredibly passionate about medicine recently, in fact I haven't been feeling particularly passionate about anything. Talking to someone this morning they said 'I've done exams every year for the last 10 years, I've had enough' and I can completely relate, exams are tough and the stress gets to me (elevated cortisol levels -yeah!) it's the reason I actually started this blog, as a way to cope when things get a little bit too much.

But let's fast forward to this afternoon.

I got some coursework grades back today, and I got a 2:1, which ordinarily I'd be absolutely fine with, but it was frustrating because I lost 20% of the marks through a late submission of the first part of it. A part that if I'd actually submitted on time would have given me somewhere in the region of 85% for that piece of coursework. And the worst bit is that it's my own fault, it came about on a day in which I had three deadlines, and I was pretty stressed, and I just confused the time with another piece. What makes it even more frustrating is that I'd actually completed the coursework 5 days before, but hadn't gotten around to submitting. 

Then I got in the car and cried, not because of the coursework as such, but just that I'm so sick of trying so hard and not getting very far with it, I'm working myself to the ground , and achieving what feels like so little. And it was mostly because the only career path thative ever been passionate about is being a doctor, and I'm finding it difficult. But I think it's okay that I find it hard, because it makes me strive to want to do better, improve myself. My lecturer said to me today that my work is really good, and I'm looking at still getting a really decent pass despite the coursework fiasco, and it feels nice that the quality of my work is actually recognised. But the best thing that has come out of breaking down a little bit today is that I've realised how badly I actually want this, how much I love this. 

So I'm going to finish this blog, and I'm going to revise metabolic disorders, because it's part of what I need to do to get to where I want to be. Wish me luck!

XOX