Bad Dreams

I have a recurring nightmare.

I'm running down a corridor, the walls and floors are white, the atmosphere smells of disinfectant, grey doors line the corridor, but I don't try and go through. It's night time and the fluorescent lights on sensors turn on behind me, but I'm running too fast. I'm running into the darkness. I know where I'm going but I can't get there.

This is a real situation of mine, but in reality I got to my location and began one of the worst day of my life so far.

I think the feeling of a lack of control is the worst. Of knowing something bad is happening and you're powerless to stop it. I think that's why I never get there in the dream. Everything is so sterile and impersonal & clinical. Its cold. In the dream I'm scared and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic. I don't know how it's possible to be scared of something that's never happened, I just know that it is. It's like no other feeling.
Most of all I'm determined. I'm determined to stop this happening, to help in anyway I possibly can. To save lives, to save families.

I know I can't save every life, & sometimes I'm powerless, but I'm determined to give all of myself to try.

XOX