Brighton I love you, but you're bringing me down

I don't know what it is that makes me feel not quite at home here, Church-wise I'm more settled than I ever was in Reading, The people are lovely, I'm always busy, always stuck in. I have friends, a job, and all the home comforts I got used to in Reading, including my little saxo, but something's missing.

I don't know what it is.

I think its the phenomenon where you can be in a crowded room but still feel so alone, Brighton's so busy, it's so easy to get caught up with things but not only do I not know what's going on with my friends back home, but I don't know what's going on with people here. I have people who care about me and want to be there for me but I have a tendency to shut them out. On the back of my last blog, 4 people said to me that I don't need to be alone and that they'd come with me if that was what I wanted, and not because they felt they had to but because they wantedto, which really means a lot. But despite this I feel like I'm inwardly screaming but no-one knows. I don't know why I'm finding this winter tougher than normal, I guess it's so easy to get homesick this time of year,

I love Brighton, but I can't help but feel down

XOX

When It Rains...

I hate this time of year with a passion, I don't like how cold it gets, I don't like the leaf litter, the wind that chills you to your bones, particularly by the seaside. I hate the stress of Christmas  I hate that I've worked the only 2 days that the sun's even been visible this month, I don't like de-icing the car, I hate what this time of year represents. I hate the rain.

Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.

A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of  doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.

It's just difficult sometimes

But in all actuality, I love this time of year.

I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa  I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.

I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.

So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,

XOX

It's Sunday morning and I would kill for the chance to drive

Since I was a kid, whenever I've gotten upset about things, I've always wanted to run, I even packed a bag once and walked down the road, but I only got halfway down before I turned back. I never want to go, I just want to get away. Last year, I got upset about my housing situation, it was exam time and I was stressing so much over everything, so I walked away, I walked all the way up the hill and sat outside our new house just dreaming of something a little better than this.
Tonight, I craved some greasy food, so I went up to the McDonalds drive-thru and then it came to driving home. I didn't want to go home so I drove 10 miles up the road to Worthing, all down the coast road. You see, I never know where I want to go when I do this kind of thing but I tend to go to something I've been thinking of, like the new house. I'd seen a picture of Worthing pier earlier in the day and that was enough to draw me to it. Some things that I observed:

1. The coast really isn't as scenic when you properly get out of Brighton
2. People get really annoyed with you driving the speed limit when it's the middle of the night
3. Sussex council really don't give much notice for road closures
4. Closing the A27 really isn't a good idea, even if it is 3am
5. Hollingbury at night feels like the scene of a horror movie when it's silent and you're alone. And next to a run-down old bus stop
6. Police eye you up when you're driving around alone on a Saturday night

No matter where I go, no matter how much i want to escape, I always end up coming back

XOX