Wednesday, 21 November 2012

When It Rains...

I hate this time of year with a passion, I don't like how cold it gets, I don't like the leaf litter, the wind that chills you to your bones, particularly by the seaside. I hate the stress of Christmas  I hate that I've worked the only 2 days that the sun's even been visible this month, I don't like de-icing the car, I hate what this time of year represents. I hate the rain.

Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.

A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of  doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.

It's just difficult sometimes

But in all actuality, I love this time of year.

I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa  I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.

I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.

So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,

XOX

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