Today I saw that some friends of my boyfriends have just got engaged. Now coming from Christian circles, I'm used to friends of mine getting engaged. Some the same age as me, some after being together for shorter periods of time, but I'm used to it, as I've had the attitude that, when we're ready and if it's right, then things would stop being so well, stagnant.
But this one made me think, because in lots of ways, they're so similar to us, in that they're of similar age, and that although they've been together longer than us, it's a matter of months. In a few months time would I be ready to make the same commitment? Probably not.
But why is that? I mean is there something wrong with me that I'm so unsure? Even after 4 and a half years together. And the problem isn't with Adam, I mean I get the impression from him that he's right there, but I'm just not, I'm not even close.
I can blame this on numerous things, the fact that I'm from a broken home, and I'm so afraid of a relationship that started from when we were so young has the odds stacked against us as a result of this, and I feel so realistic about the possibility of a marriage failing, pessimistic? Yes. But that's all I've ever been taught, and I know it can work.
I can also blame it on the fact that our relationship is long distance. I realised it would be hard, but not this hard. Some days, I can't even remember how it felt when we used to see each other everyday. It's so easy to argue when you miss someone so much. And when you're not used to annoying habits, in my case, a lack of responsibility on his part which drives me insane, it's easy for these to be accentuated when you're not used to them anymore.
Also sometimes I feel so far away that I can't be a part of his life anymore, I'm just a spectator, a ghost of what used to be there, and also vice versa. It's so easy to get frustrated, which leads to arguments.Then these arguments lead to a lack of appreciation of the other person. I don't appreciate Adam like I should. He's so so lovely, in that he loves me so much, he really grasps onto the time that we have together and wants to spend every moment that he can grab with me. He puts up with my moods and frustrations with patience, talks to me when I'm upset, comforts me and he's never let go of me, although I'm miles away most of the time. He's hilarious, and is the only person who can leave me laughing until it hurts, and he's so so beautiful. He doesn't always do the right thing, or have the best ideas, but he always tries his hardest, and just picks himself up and carries on, which I really admire. He always tries his best to help me out, and others, because he's so compassionate.
But it's easy to forget all of this when you're so far away from each other.
See, I'm beginning to realise that love doesn't have to be like a romantic comedy to be right. You don't have to be swept off your feet everyday. It doesn't have to be easy all the time. You don't have to even like each other most of the time. You don't have to be desperate for each other 100% of the time. But maybe it's the person you can rely on if you need them, pick you up when you're feeling down, and when you're not feeling down. Maybe it's the person who you can look at, through all of their flaws, and still love them unconditionally, and who can do the same for you.
Maybe it's the person who being with, on the really really bad days, is still 100x better than the good days without them.
So yes, I'm not sure still, and I think there's something completely wrong with me for that, we have issues that need ironing out. But one day, I'll know. Will it be in the next few months? I'm not quite sure yet, but for now, I'm going to keep believing in the one person who's shown me such a huge amount of unconditional love over the last four and a half years, and I'm going to love him back unconditionally.
In our own time, we'll all eventually get there.
XOX
No comments:
Post a Comment