Normal?

So today marks 22 years since the birth of my sister, but instead of making plans and buying gifts I'm having a completely normal day, I'm going to work followed by church. Uneventful? certainly. But to me this is huge. This will be the first year in the last 6 years that I haven't sat and wallowed in self pity for the whole day, It will also be the first year I'm not in Reading. And whilst it's so easy to feel totally alone, it's quite nice having the anonymity. I'm not going to be surrounded by people who know what today is, so people aren't going to come up to me and ask how I'm doing or if I'm upset. As nice as it is, I think I might cry if they did so, and I'm trying to be as normal as possible.
This weeks been so hard, it's been a frustrating week anyway. My car has a problem with its fan that has re-occurred, following this the fitting for my windscreen wiper snapped causing it to displace whilst I was driving. Then 2 days ago I go around the corner to find the wing mirror dangling down beside my car. So when I think this is more than enough for me to handle, I walk out to go to work yesterday evening to find my wheel arch scratched and dented from where someone had hit it whilst it was parked. This led to me crying in the car, something I haven't done for a long time. But it wasn't just the car. I try to be so strong, because it's not productive to anyone else if I fall apart, and I guess I expect it to be easier now it's been so long and so much has happened since, but it's not always easy, and this time of year it's so much harder to pretend.

Anyway, Happy 22nd Birthday Jenny :)

XOX

Questions Of Science, Science & Progress Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart

Tonight we had the worst thunderstorm we've had for a while. Now usually by the sea we don't get the weather too bad but even Brighton didn't escape it today. My lovely housemates have abandoned me tonight! So I decided to try and improve on guitar (one of my ambitions before summer!)

Look Proof!:

 As much as I love studying science, I need a creative outlet! For the last 2 years this has been through my photography but I've really missed music. I also played some piano today (to a shop full of people but still..) and I still get a feeling that I don't get from playing music. I really wish I'd been encouraged from young to play, but I suppose I still get the same satisfaction from it as it's something I fought to be able to take up.

My beautiful little brother Ben turns 6 on Saturday and I really got stuck for a present so I got him this (I guess I'm hoping for him to take after his sisters!!) Also he's a big boy now, It'll be nice to give him something that he can (hopefully!) look after & cherish :) So here it is!:

I've tuned it up for him & I'm sure he'll love it, he loved the little plastic one I got him when he was 4. It's a 3/4 size, so he can use it now, but also he can keep it for a few years before he's too big for it.

As for uni, I started 2nd year this week, and although I'm incredibly intimidated by the expected workload, I believe I can achieve the necessary grades for me to get into medicine so I've created a system. For each lecture I'm planning to for each lecture have slides, notes, notes on extra reading and annotated related articles as well as keeping a hand-written glossary of terms which I will add to over the year. The folder looks so good so far! 

I'm pretty proud of it....

Things are also moving on the volunteering side of things, I'm going to start attending meetings for Red Cross next week. This along with an interview for active student (which I'm aiming to achieve) and a possible week in Thailand in summer of next year, I'm well on the way to getting some valuable experience for my medical application and help me to develop skills with people. I'm compassionate about people so I'm incredibly excited for this!!

Wish me luck!

XOX

Looking Back On What We've Done This Year..

I walked into CCK on Sunday, almost a year to the day in which I first arrived and it was so strange seeing all the new freshers, it made me think how were we this time last year?

The first thing that jumps into my head is about how unbelievably homesick I felt. I'd gone from this comfortable place, surrounded by people I love to a new area where I didn't know my way around and barely knew anyone and definitely didn't know anyone well. I spent a good proportion of that first week just willing myself back home. (Definitely must have been a little irritating too some of my new friends!). I didn't feel like I was coming to a new opportunity but leaving my entire life behind, and dooming myself to 3 years  to staring through glass, from the outside looking in. I know it seems strange, it seems strange to me now, but although I was moving out, living alone for the first time, I felt I was giving away my independence and dooming myself to be financially dependant on my parents again. I gave up my job, which I was so happy and comfortable in and my car which was the one of the first real steps to independence that I'd ever had, which was so tough to deal with.

Most of all, I knew I'd find it intolerable to be away from Adam for so long. We had 3 years of seeing each other most days, if I needed him, I knew exactly where to find him, and I could get to him. I had no idea how we were going to cope with long distance and if we were going to make it. I mean so many couples break up when they go to uni, and I had no idea if I was going to be one of those statistics.

So fast forward to today:

The major thing that's come out of being in Brighton, is that it's enabled me to really make my faith into my own and I've grown so much this year. I'm enjoying having a stronger relationship with God and in return He's blessing me with clarity and a hunger to know him more.
I've also gained so much independence. Not only do I live away from home and cope with the responsibilities of that, but I got a new job, which has been such a blessing, it's a perfect opportunity for me and I get to work with some amazing people. This then enabled me to get my car back and break out of the little uni 'bubble' that it's so easy to get trapped in when you move to a city like Brighton.
I'm not looking through the glass, I'm living inside. I've met so many amazing people since living in Brighton, including some of my best friends.
I'm doing a course that I love which satisfies me more than Highdown ever could. I'm in an environment in which I can really expand my knowledge and achieve the best that I possibly can, including potentially achieving my dream.

As for Adam... We're celebrating our 4 year anniversary in two weeks time, and things couldn't be better.

Let's see what the next year brings!

XOX

Bad Dreams

I have a recurring nightmare.

I'm running down a corridor, the walls and floors are white, the atmosphere smells of disinfectant, grey doors line the corridor, but I don't try and go through. It's night time and the fluorescent lights on sensors turn on behind me, but I'm running too fast. I'm running into the darkness. I know where I'm going but I can't get there.

This is a real situation of mine, but in reality I got to my location and began one of the worst day of my life so far.

I think the feeling of a lack of control is the worst. Of knowing something bad is happening and you're powerless to stop it. I think that's why I never get there in the dream. Everything is so sterile and impersonal & clinical. Its cold. In the dream I'm scared and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic. I don't know how it's possible to be scared of something that's never happened, I just know that it is. It's like no other feeling.
Most of all I'm determined. I'm determined to stop this happening, to help in anyway I possibly can. To save lives, to save families.

I know I can't save every life, & sometimes I'm powerless, but I'm determined to give all of myself to try.

XOX

New Blog, New Beginnings.

So basically I've decided to start a side- blog. This one will still continue and still be my main point of call as I go through life and head towards my ambitions.

I've also decided to write a blog dedicated to my personal relationship with God. It seems like a good idea to share my thoughts and what God's doing in my life as well as helping me to grow in  relationship.

The new URL is:

allcomesbacktoyou.blogspot.co.uk

This is to make both this blog and the posts which will now be done on the new blog a bit more focused  =]

Thanks so far to everyone who's reading this blog/ just coming across me, It's nice to think that someone's reading my thoughts and rantings as well as taking a personal interest in me and my ambitions.

I'll place a link in the side-bar also, if you fancy a read ;)

XOX

'A Living Sacrifice'

'And so, dear brothers & sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is the way to truly worship him. Don't copy the behaviours & customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.'
Romans 12v1-2 (NLT)

I read this verse today. I've been trying to improve my reading of the bible (Let's face it, I have A LOT of improvement in this area!) by doing a selection of plans, of which this one was part of a plan about food, a subject of which I've struggled with in the past. This is particularly in the way that it affects image.

As a biomedical science student, I can ramble of a million reasons about maintaining an 'ideal' size, body fat %, BMI etc. is good for your health, risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes. I can even understand the processes involving the storage of fats in the adipose cells. But this can also be a good excuse for your looks to become an obsession. In the 21st century we're thrown with images of stick thin celebrities and people who are anything higher than a size 6 being defined as 'curvy' with anything higher than a 12 being 'plus size'. Attractiveness is defined by BMI, which has been shown in studies to be shown at around a BMI of 20.

Being a size 10, I've felt the pressure to lose weight. I'm by no means overweight but I've been called 'fat' or been told I could 'lose a few pounds' to make clothes look better on me. Comments like this can easily make image become a lifestyle, constantly dieting, refusing food, leading to binging sessions and inevitable guilt. Whilst this is an obsession, we can so easily lose sight of the things we should be living for, we aren't looking to God if we're constantly looking to image and the conformation of others to find fulfilment. We cannot be fully satisfied by earthly things. I truly believe this. Things can satisfy for a short time and then, we're looking for something new to fill the void. This isn't the life that God has intended for us. The best way to find this is by placing everything into him, including ourselves.

Having struggled with this, I really struggled to read this today, and God would have known that. It's so easy to be paranoid about being the 'fat- friend' or being perceived as unattractive. But the best thing to do is Give it to God.

Don't fret over the little things ;)

XOX

Going back to get away...

So my 36 hours in Reading consisted of:
2 trips to mcdonalds
3 drinks
5 seperate items from phones 4 u
1 birthday bash
A trip to Henley
Several hours at the purple turtle
& a krispy doughnut
 as much as I love Brighton it doesn't quite match being back home, and I don't think i'll ever get used to being gone. So its always so nice to just go home :)

Anyway just a quick one today

 XOX

(will post a photo later!)