5 Response Evoking Books

Yesterday I bought myself 6 books as a stack of reading material to a) Read over summer and B) keep me sane in exam period whilst keeping me away from sitcoms (far to addictive, not recommended if you actually have things to do!) So I've comprised a list of books that I've read recently that have left me feeling sad/happy/made me laugh/angry and, as the title suggests, have evoked a response so here goes!

1. 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green

So this book is written from the perspective of a teenage cancer patient, and I think any book worth reading should stir up emotions in you. This book, whilst making me laugh throughout, left me crying (the only moment in which I actually put this book down). The main idea in this book is that it's a tragic love story but the outcome of this wasn't the thing that upset me. I was upset for the parents in the book. The parents of the main character. Yes. The idea that the main characters mother felt she wouldn't be a mother anymore after her daughter had passed is in itself heart-wrenching. However it was also discussions between the main characters about the outcome of the mother in fictional book 'An Imperial Affliction'. The thought that the mother in the book wouldn't want to be away from where her daughter was. This in itself made me think of my own mother, and how she'd find it very difficult to be away from the last place her daughter was when she was alive, it's like grasping on desperately to something, that realistically   went a long time ago, but this is still better than the feeling of guilt that comes from moving on and leaving that person behind. And I'm not a mother, so I can't comprehend this exactly, but I can feel something akin through having someone, perhaps just as close, but in a very different way. And this is when I had to put the book down. 

2. 'The Immortal life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot 

Perhaps not 'recent' but I read this book in the summer before my degree. As a biomedical scientist, you can purchase cells from suppliers with a view to using them for research. HeLa is one of them (the letters coming from the name of the donor). Medical research is critical, without it, we couldn't understand the mechanisms of disease, let alone develop potential treatments. We couldn't even understand the in-depth detail of our normal pathology. But what medical research can fail to understand is that the cells they're manipulating actually came from a person, with a family and everything. And this is the topic of this book. It tackles a lot: Medicine, research, family dynamics, cancer, mental illness, civil rights, racism and how civilisation changes through history, which can't help but make you empathetic to the family involved, as well as anger for the civil injustice underlying the story. True story as well, definitely worth a read. 

3. 'Me Before You' by JoJo Moyes

I was describing this book the other day, which I achieved with the line: "You think it's all going to end happily, then BAM!" 

I think I'll go into a bit more depth here:  This is a love story. But not a conventional one. I think one of the main reasons why I really liked this book is the fact that it doesn't deal with the superficial. Taking on issues like euthanasia is brave, but I think the author tackled it well in this book. It also gives an insight into the difficulties of everyday life when you're living with a disability. This book made me mentally want to scream at it the whole way through, but I really enjoyed it! Recommended. 

4. 'The Lovely Bones' by Alice Sebold

I could never get tired of this book, it's one of my favourites. Basically I picked up this book when I wanted to watch the film, which looked really good. But I definitely agree that the book is always so much better than the film, on anything. (Although the film in this case does do the book justice, some are terrible!) I think it's because when you read a book, a lot of what the characters might look like, or the places visited, whereas a film leaves very little to the imagination. The way that death is portrayed in this film is beautiful, and although the book is devastating throughout, the unfolding of the story kept me gripped throughout. One of those books you can definitely read over and over. 

5. 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time' by Mark Haddon

This has to be the most well written book I've ever read, and just so happens to be the only book on my list that doesn't directly deal with death! The sensitive portrayal of autism in this book I found to be so educational, and yet such a gripping perspective to read from. Add in to this mystery and unexpected plot twists and you find yourself with a really great read. You can't help but feel for the main character in the book, and you never get bored. 

Sorry this is belated! Only a day out, not too bad ;)

XOX

Running.

We're getting into Spring now, the Brighton marathon was last weekend, and people are trying to get fit. This year this includes me. So I took up running on Tuesday, and now I've just completed my third run therefore this calls for another list!

10 Things I've Learnt In My First Week Of Running

• It's never a good idea to run in the dark on an unlit road

So I had the brilliant idea of running down this country road on the outskirts of Brighton, Nature  - check, Beautiful views - check, the ability to see them all- Not so much. 

• People in cars give you strange look

It seems people who aren't jogging, seem to find it absurd that you are, I got laughed at today, just beautiful. 

• You get everywhere surprisingly quickly

10 minutes to the seafront? Yes please! It would save so much time if you were actually trying to get somewhere!

• Running on grass hurts...a lot

Not my finest idea, it's not so much that it's grass but just how uneven it is. Trainers aren't exactly the most supportive footwear, hello sore ankles! 

• It's not a good idea to squirt yourself with water when you're wearing headphones

I'll test the extent of the damage tomorrow, but electricals and water really don't mix!

• Traffic lights become one of your favourite things

"Turn Red! Please turn Red! Any excuse to stop! Please!!!!!"

• Running downhill is so much easier than anything else

Running on flat- not so much, I expected this to be more effort but I don't think I realised the actual extent! 

• Running in trainers is so much easier than running in vans

Trainers make me feel like I'm bouncing, Vans don't so much. Plus it means that I can keep my vans pretty, so it's a win-win situation. 

• Lycra is the most comfortable thing in the world

Shops sell sports EVERYTHING. I bought some sports socks the other day- like a cushion that clings to my feet, amazing. 

• It's surprising how far you actually get

Everyday I manage to go further, not bad for the girl who couldn't even run for the bus!!

In all seriousness, running, or any exercise decreases the risk of cardiovascular disease, obesity. It boosts your metabolism and the effects endure for 48 hours meaning just 3-4 times a week of exercise can make such a dramatic difference.

Motivation to get fit!!!

XOX

12 Things To Do In Brighton

Here goes the first of my weekly pieces =D

I've been living in Brighton for a year and a half now, and I've gotten to know it pretty well, so here's my list of things that frankly I couldn't do without

12) Visit the marina

This has to be one of my absolute favourite places in Brighton, just because it has a little bit of everything. There's so much going on, restaurants, cinema, bowling, shops, casino etc. yet it still retains the ability to be totally relaxing, particularly walking along the bridge and ooking out over all of the boats and the rest of Brighton beyond. Parking is free, so it's not even straining financially. Plus there's a hurricane simulator, and that's pretty awesome :D

11) Go on the Brighton Wheel

This is very 'typically touristy' but actually it's really worth it. We went on it in the rain, and it was still a really good experience. The talk isn't the most interesting, but it's not bad and you get some pretty good views. Prices start from £8, so a little pricey but I'd recommend.

10) Park on Madeira Drive at night, and watch Brighton from your bonnet

Brighton is so serene at night-time, and it looks so beautiful lit up at nighttime, the blue lights under the  arches for the road, the Brighton eye, the pier. Even further than this, the bandstand is spectacular at night.

See:  http://pictureofacity.tumblr.com/

9) Drive through the tunnel in Shoreham, windows down & music blasting at 70mph

Maybe this is just my friends, but everyone always enjoys doing this when they come to visit, and it's actually pretty fun. Just a small burst of adrenaline. Sounds pretty good too :)

8) See a gig, any gig

This is something I haven't done nearly as much as I intended to when moving down here, but Brighton is so big on unsigned bands and cute quirky little venues, you're bound to find something you'll enjoy, no matter who you are. I'd recommend Komedia for stand-up at the weekend. 

7) Go to the 'big doughnut'

The amount of hilarious and creative pictures I've seen from this place, it's definitely worth a visit, and right on the seafront as well :)

6) Try some of the café's in North Laine

There's so many weird and unimaginable places to eat and drink, one of my favourites was a place that served different flavours of Japanese tea, with beads of tapioca inside, never heard of anything like it before, but was plesantly suprised. 

5) Skim stones overlooking West Pier

Something randomly beautiful about this, particularly when the beach is quiet. With the eerily quiet scenery as well, this is actually oddly relaxing. 

4) Go shopping in the laines 

Every time I go shopping here I find something different. Some strange (see: Vegetarian Shoes). I'd recommend 'Snooper's Paradise', a HUGE bric-a-brac shop with so much stuff! and they have a retro photobooth as well :)

3) Do a photo shoot

Brighton has such beautiful scenery, why would you not want to? I've done both scenery and pictures of people in a beautiful setting. Leads to some unique pictures!

2) Dip in the sea after midnight

This is normally after a night out, but it's an experience to say the least. I've done it a few times - most notably dressed as a zombie bride on halloween, freezing cold, but totally worth it!

1) Go on the ride at the end of the pier

You know the one I mean, the one that you can see from the outside of Brighton, towers over all of the rest and looks so vigorous. It costs £5, but it gives a huge release of adrenaline, like being catapulted towards the pier/sea makes you feel ;)

Such an amazing city!

XOX

21 Guns

As I mentioned in my previous post, tomorrow I turn 21, and this is scary because I still feel like a teenager, but this feels like I'm officially going to be a 'proper' adult. But what does it actually mean to be a 21 year-old, or indeed a proper adult?

1. I can drink in the US
Okay, so maybe it's not quite such a big deal over here. I mean I'm turning 21, so here I've been drinking (legally) for the last 3 years, and it's really not that big a deal anymore. I guess I've never really been one who's been overly enthusiastic about going out and drinking until you vomit or pass out anyway, but it's nice to know that I can drink if I ever do make the trip to New York that I've been craving.

2. I can teach someone to drive (almost)
I don't know how many of you reading this aren't from the UK, but over here the law states to legally supervise a learner you have to be over 21 and to have had your licence for over 3 years, well I'm turning 21, and in May I would have had my licence for that long so technically I have a little more responsibility.

3. It's time to get serious about my career
Okay, those of you who have read my previous posts will know that I'm already pretty serious, and I know what I want, but everything just seems a little closer, therefore it's time to really get focused!

4. Marriage seems a lot closer than it did when I was 19
It's a strange thought that when my mum was 21 she had been married for almost 2 years and she was pregnant. I'm definitely not at that stage, at the moment my focus is on my education, but the thought of getting married is never really quite that far away, and it's very realistic that I could be getting married in the next few years. So many of my friends are engaged at the moment, it just doesn't seem that distant, particularly in Christian circles, young marriage is celebrated, and I'm not quite as opposed to that as I once was.

5. If I was theoretically in a news/ police report I'd be referred to as 'woman' rather than 'girl'
Okay, so I know this one is applicable from me being 18, but I had this thought the other day, and it's a strange one for me to comprehend, when I was younger the thought of being referred to as 'woman' just seemed so much older than me, I think I quite like it.

6. I'm probably not going to grow anymore
I think 5'4 was always a bit of a pipe dream, if you've ever met my mother you'd realise that the likelihood of me being tall, or even average height was slim anyway, but I don't think I ever really gave up hope. Anyway at 5'2 (and a half!) I can still buy petite clothing without it being too short, and I can wear heels as high as I want, and I'm still not the tallest person in any of my friend groups, and I'm not taller than my boyfriend, so that's always a plus!

7. I'm in the prime of my child-bearing years
Not that I'm going to have children for a very long time, it's weird to think though that biologically, if I was going to, the best time would be right now.

8. I have as much independence as I'm ever going to have
I love having my own space. Anti-social? Maybe. But I also love company. I love having the choice. Being 21, having moved out, paying bills, owning a car, having a job, having no dependants. I'm completely trusted to be able to take care of myself, and yet still young enough to be a little selfish and just do things for me from time to time, and I like it.

9. My metabolism isn't quite as fast as it once was
So this means I need to regulate my diet a little bit more, not so much sweets and junk, but more healthy options, and proper regular meals. No fads to lose weight, proper exercise. If I'm going to be an adult, I need to act like one - Including my diet. My body will thank me.

10. It's all downhill from here?
So many people say to me - "Oooh 21, it's all downhill from there" or "The years go quicker than you'd expect", but I don't think this is true. Yes being a teenager an carefree is fun, but I'm pretty excited about what my twenties may bring. I'll start my 'proper' career, I might get married, I might even have children, a mortgage. In all honesty, I know this things bring added stress and responsibility, but each is a new challenge and I'm pretty excited about each one of them. Maybe I'm older emotionally than physically, but I dream about getting married, decorating my first home, I dream about being a doctor, about being pregnant and having babies. I'm not saying I'm in any rush, but I am excited about all these things, and I fully intend to make the most out of my twenties, and not just let them flit away.

But for now: Happy Birthday for me, for tomorrow.

XOX

Blogging

I started blogging almost a year ago. Firstly it was to deal with stress. The stress of exams, relationships, living in a terrible house in which I didn't mesh with two thirds of the housemates, and in all honestly, I intended it to be temporary. I mean, who would want to read about what I have to say anyway? My life is so  completely ordinary. But as analytical and logical as I can be as a science undergrad, I need to vent myself creatively. This in time lead to the thing I used to vent personally becoming my friend, and not just the program, but all the silent, anonymous readers of it from all over the world. It's pretty overwhelming if you think about it. People from countries that I've never even visited have read my blog and my rants, and I see it as part of a statistic on a tab on my home-screen but it's actually pretty amazing.

My blog has been part of my sanity over the last year, and it's been there when I've needed it the most.

I'm quiet, I don't always talk about how I feel or my opinions. Writing them down is so much easier, even if they remain unfinished, unpublished. A thought lasts a moment, but it can be so amazing, beautiful even, to document them, preserve them and also to share them. It makes me feel a little less alone in the world.

Tomorrow I turn 21. Now 21 isn't like 20. To me it just feels so grown - up. So I'm taking control of my life, getting organised and really going for what I want out of life. Now this means I'm going to need my blog more than I have done over the last 11 months, and I'm going to aim to blog regularly. So every week I'm going to aim to blog on a topic completely unrelated to what's going on with me, but just to write about something a little different, a release.

I'll keep you posted ;)

Thank you all for your continued reading, I feel like I have 500 psychiatrists!

XOX

How do you know when you know?

Today I saw that some friends of my boyfriends have just got engaged. Now coming from Christian circles, I'm used to friends of mine getting engaged. Some the same age as me, some after being together for shorter periods of time, but I'm used to it, as I've had the attitude that, when we're ready and if it's right, then things would stop being so well, stagnant. 

But this one made me think, because in lots of ways, they're so similar to us, in that they're of similar age, and that although they've been together longer than us, it's a matter of months. In a few months time would I be ready to make the same commitment? Probably not.

But why is that? I mean is there something wrong with me that I'm so unsure? Even after 4 and a half years together. And the problem isn't with Adam, I mean I get the impression from him that he's right there, but I'm just not, I'm not even close.

I can blame this on numerous things, the fact that I'm from a broken home, and I'm so afraid of a relationship that started from when we were so young has the odds stacked against us as a result of this, and I feel so realistic about the possibility of a marriage failing, pessimistic? Yes. But that's all I've ever been taught, and I know it can work.

I can also blame it on the fact that our relationship is long distance. I realised it would be hard, but not this hard. Some days, I can't even remember how it felt when we used to see each other everyday. It's so easy to argue when you miss someone so much. And when you're not used to annoying habits, in my case, a lack of responsibility on his part which drives me insane, it's easy for these to be accentuated when you're not used to them anymore.
Also sometimes I feel so far away that I can't be a part of his life anymore, I'm just a spectator, a ghost of what used to be there, and also vice versa. It's so easy to get frustrated, which leads to arguments.Then these arguments lead to a lack of appreciation of the other person. I don't appreciate Adam like I should. He's so so lovely, in that he loves me so much, he really grasps onto the time that we have together and wants to spend every moment that he can grab with me. He puts up with my moods and frustrations with patience, talks to me when I'm upset, comforts me and he's never let go of me, although I'm miles away most of the time. He's hilarious, and is the only person who can leave me laughing until it hurts, and he's so so beautiful. He doesn't always do the right thing, or have the best ideas, but he always tries his hardest, and just picks himself up and carries on, which I really admire. He always tries his best to help me out, and others, because he's so compassionate.

But it's easy to forget all of this when you're so far away from each other.

See, I'm beginning to realise that love doesn't have to be like a romantic comedy to be right. You don't have to be swept off your feet everyday. It doesn't have to be easy all the time. You don't have to even like each other most of the time. You don't have to be desperate for each other 100% of the time. But maybe it's the person you can rely on if you need them, pick you up when you're feeling down, and when you're not feeling down. Maybe it's the person who you can look at, through all of their flaws, and still love them unconditionally, and who can do the same for you.

Maybe it's the person who being with, on the really really bad days, is still 100x better than the good days without them.

So yes, I'm not sure still, and I think there's something completely wrong with me for that, we have issues that need ironing out. But one day, I'll know. Will it be in the next few months? I'm not quite sure yet, but for now, I'm going to keep believing in the one person who's shown me such a huge amount of unconditional love over the last four and a half years, and I'm going to love him back unconditionally.

In our own time, we'll all eventually get there.

XOX

Fear, A Personal Overview

Fear is completely natural, for me, fear normally manifests itself in three ways:

1) The fear that I don't know what's going to happen- I hate the inability to meticulously plan things, to plan life, to know exactly what's going to happen at what exact point, to not know what the prognosis and the outcome is of a particular situation.

2) The fear that life is slipping me by. Next month I turn 21, and I know that's still young, and that I still have so much life ahead of me. But years are shorter than I remember them being as a child, maybe this is because each year represented a much greater proportion of my life back then then they do now. And so much is going to happen in the next decade, which I guess links back into (1)

3) The fear that I don't have control over a situation - for me, this isn't normally too bad. When it comes to deadlines, I can control when and how much work I do. In life I can control what I do and when I do it. I can control what I do and don't eat, I can control. But what happens when I find myself in a situation I can't control? I'm going to explain a scenario here, and the person who it involved doesn't know until now how I felt about the situation, but here goes, so sorry I'm telling it like this! <3 Last week, a good friend of mine ended up in hospital, not under particularly dramatic circumstances (and by that I mean no sirens, no sudden change in events) it was just something that had to be done. So I went to go and visit her. When I got there, I was told that I couldn't see her right away and that I could wait. 20 minutes later the same nurse comes up to me and tells me that my friend is pretty unwell and that I should leave for a bit, to which I enquire about the strict visiting hours, and she tells me not to worry. So I leave the ward, and make my way out of the hospital, and I found myself in an empty corridor, completely and utterly lost, trying to find myself a coffee machine. I must have wandered past an operating theatre, because I was passed by a person running with one of those bags that contain organs before they get transplanted. It takes me completely by surprise, and there's no particular reason why it should, I mean I'm in a hospital, maybe this would be more surprising in any other environment, but a hospital? So I think about the people involved in this situation, not so much the person on the operating table, but the family, the family sitting in some waiting room somewhere in the same building that I was currently ambling around, potentially going hours with no news, and when there was news, what news would it be? The thumbs up, or the being ushered into a side room with the consultant, completely oblivious to what they're about to be told. I pray that it's the former and continue on down the hallway. I also think about the family who've just lost their loved one, the family who aren't going to be the same again, where there's always going to be a gap, where they're always going to feel just a little bit broken and I pray for comfort for them. I then think to my friend upstairs, and how I have no idea what's happening with her, nor what the situation is that dictates that I can't see her. Then I don't know when to go back, whether or not I'd just get sent away again. The realisation that I can't help or make this go away, no matter how much I want it to, so I begin to pray for her, and I find myself crying, standing (Standing! as I can't even find seating in this maze of a hospital!)

As it turns out, in my friends case at least, everything was fine.

I guess my point in this, is that fear is good, and despite how hectic everything is at the moment, it's nice to know that I can still feel something akin to fear. It was a glimpse, a horrible reminder of 2006, which I still maintain was the single worst year of my life so far, but it was beautiful as well, it's nice to remember that I'm capable of feeling something so intense. And not just the situation with my friend but also for 2 families completely unknown to me.

It's also so important to take a step back and remember why I'm doing this

I'm going to leave with a short note, thanks for the continuous reading of my ramblings!

XOX


Organ donation is so important, it can give life to someone who really needs, it's the best gift that somebody can give. It's always devastating when someone passes away, but organ donation can prevent another family experiencing the same situation prematurely.

More information can be found about it here:
http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/

Or you can register here:
https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/how_to_become_a_donor/registration/consent.asp