How to Heal a Broken Heart

When I was 14, I lost my sister, and this was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

But an ending like this isn't the end of the story, at least not for the ones who are left behind. I felt like my heart completely shattered. I literally felt numb. And on top of this there's no instructions on how to rebuild, you just struggle through somehow. So how do people do this? Some throw themselves into their work, focus on something time-consuming and in many ways seems pretty arbitrary. An alternative to this is to through yourself into relationships, find someone who loves you and will help you stick the pieces back together with time. You can throw yourself into trying to make the world right in whichever way you see fit, try and heal a disease, or raise awareness for your cause, change policies and work for things which are now very close to your heart. The other alternative to this is to throw yourself into a religion, seek a relationship with the divine, which in itself can bring a lot of comfort in giving promise of something so much more than the very impermanent world we live in. I think I've experienced almost everyone of these at some point over the last 8 years, and I couldn't say that I feel 'fixed'. Not by a long shot.

But if you look into this further, what criteria is there to define a person as 'broken'. A quick Google search gives words such as 'dejected' or 'accumulation of irreputable damage' or 'difficulty letting people in'. My personal opinion is that broken in the context of a person is the feeling of not quite being whole, for whatever reason. But the kind of beautiful thing about feeling this way is that you'll never be alone in feeling like this. So many people are a little broken in so many different ways, and in lots of ways there's a feeling of resonance of people who've been through a similar experience, almost a sense of comradery in talking about all these things that your other friends have absolutely no way of understanding, and there's absolutely no way you'd want them to either.

Feeling broken has a way of changing who you are too. You lose so many friendships because people don't know how to communicate with you so the easiest thing is to avoid the situation. I found I had absolutely no time for problems I considered to be minute, especially within the first year, that I found it almost impossible in lots of ways to communicate with my peers. But the friends who stick become these amazing people who were there for you when you felt like your world had ended. Who walk with you and help you to pick up the pieces when you felt like you couldn't do this by yourself. When it comes to relationships, I particularly have found it very difficult to let someone get close, and when you do you find it incredibly frightening because the future always seems so uncertain and I feel incapable of taking anything like that for granted any more. But the right person can make you feel so loved and secure at the same time that at times you almost feel whole. It feels just like an emotional bandage.

8 years on, I can almost feel myself mending, but there'll always be emotional scars from what happened to me. You get to the point where you can look back and not see what happened but look back fondly and smile on the time you did get. I appreciate that I got to spend almost my entire childhood being guided by one of the most fantastic people I've ever known, someone who according to medical professionals at the time, shouldn't have lived long enough for me to remember them.

My current thinking is that even after so much time, it's really okay not to be okay. It's okay to not get over something or to get upset or even feel scared about something that's already happened. I used to have so many nightmares in which the thing I was scared of had already happened. I've also been thinking how much my life has been influenced by what happened. I've got this incredible compassion for people and a drive that makes me want to save the world almost, which I quench by embarking on really varied volunteering opportunities. I might not have pursued medicine, but gone into something in the field of maths, or maybe history or psychology. Perhaps I would have wanted to do law. Maybe that would have meant that I would have gone to a different university, so maybe I wouldn't have met some of the people who are now some of my best friends, not to mention my current partner. Perhaps I wouldn't be in London right now, but I'd actually be in some other city living some completely different life. Or maybe in some round about way I'd be exactly where I am now. Probably somewhere in between.

I feel like I've been misleading in this blog, so I'll round it up with that I actually don't know the answer to the titular question. I don't know how to mend a broken heart. I wish I could give you a promise of some magic pill that will permanently make everything feel so much better (not a temporary numbness that many try to achieve with alcohol). People seek solace in many different pursuits and I think that my current opinion is that I can't fix my broken heart completely so I'll study the heart as an organ and try and fix other peoples. But although it's a cliché, the best medicine for a broken heart is time.

When I was 14, I lost my sister, and it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But I'm okay.

XOX

How to cope if you don't get into Medical School

I'm writing this blog now, and then I'll post it when I feel like I'm ready to talk about it to people. But I didn't get into med school this year. I know that it's insanely competitive, and I did really well to get to the interview stage, but it's still pretty gutting to get this far only to fall at the last hurdle (In terms of admissions anyway).

So what are my thoughts:

I think they're pretty normal things to think when you're in this situation!

1. 'Can I handle going through this kind of rejection again?' 
It's a massive thing when you aim for your dream only to get told that you can't do it right now, I mean it's really-soul destroying. Things in life don't always go the way you would have hoped for, and sometimes there are massive hurdles, disappointments and moments when you just want to give up, but I think this is part of what makes us human. The important thing is how you react to it. So the answer to the above question is yes. I can handle this. Why? Because I've already handled it before And it's for what I really want, and if I get there all of the disappointment, feeling rejected generally rubbish, and most importantly all of the hard work would have been so worth it. I think it's also important to learn from this situation. Work out the instances in which your application was weak, and improve it - get that extra work experience, improve those interview skills, completely destroy the UKCAT, whatever it takes.

2. 'Am I certain this is really what I want to do?'
Going through this kind of situation really separates applicants with this question. Is it what I want? If you're thinking 'oh well, I'll become a scientist, musician, counsellor, literary genius instead' without much thought or disappointment, then the answer is probably no, and to go and pursue another career path. But if you do what I did and stare at the final rejection email thinking 'but the only thing I want to do is this' then it's probably a good idea to persevere. If you think you'd be just as happy in another career path, that one would probably be easier to pursue!

3. 'What if everyone is disappointed in me?'
Let them be disappointed! The likelihood is that they won't be, medicine is an incredibly hard course to get onto, and many great doctors didn't get in on their first attempt. In all honestly, if you're good enough to even be considered as a potential medical student, then you've done pretty well for yourself.

4. 'What do I do now?'
Now the best situation would be to pursue something that would beef up your application next time around. My personal plan is to hopefully do a masters degree, explore an area of medicine that interests me and also continue setting up a life I could have if I theoretically never got into medicine. This would make me more favourable academically, as well as freeing me up some time to increase the amount of voluntary work on my personal statement which would be great. I think this is a really good plan, however it's not for everyone, so do what you need to do - get a job (medical or not, either can be used to increase skills you'd use as a doctor), go travelling - enriched life experiences look great on a personal statement, especially doing what I did and working in a hospital abroad. The experience is absolutely amazing and I would seriously recommend it to anyone. I went to Thailand with Gap Medics who were particularly good - I'll put a link at the end of this post.

The most important things I can leave you with is to stay positive but be realistic. This isn't a never, it's a not right now, people start medical school at such a variety of ages so not getting in one year isn't catastrophic. It's important to use it as an opportunity to improve yourself and your application for next time, rather than 'you're not good enough'. However it's also important to be prepared, the application process is a difficult start of a long and difficult journey, and it requires commitment and resilience, ironically qualities of good doctors.

Congratulations to everyone who got a place this year and good luck to those (re)applying next year!

XOX

Check them out!  http://www.gapmedics.co.uk/

Rejection

I found out a little while ago that I got rejected from one of the medical schools I applied for. Now this isn't down to anything I did, I just got out-competed, and there wasn't really anything I could have done about it. I got an explanation: My UKCAT wasn't high enough. I had a really good UKCAT, but due to the amount of applicants, I was just below the cutoff, an extraordinary high 772. The downside is, that out of all of them it was my favourite, so I guess you could say I'm a little but gutted about it.

So how did I react? I read the email, remained completely emotionless and didn't tell anyone for about 3 weeks. I've still only mentioned it to one person.
I didn't really expect this, I'm doing okay, I just thought on the inevitability that this would happen, I would feel somewhat different. I thought I'd be more upset, and definitely much more vocal about the whole situation. People keep asking me about how my application is going, and I've just been replying with I haven't heard, not necessarily a lie, I'm still waiting to hear from 2 of my universities, but also it is in this case.

I've coped by focusing my efforts on my uni work, I need to do well, because, as far as I'm aware I'm still a viable candidate for 3 out of my 4 choices. To get into any of these, I need to maintain my high grades, which means copious hours spent in the library and trawling over my coursework, reading countless journal articles and reading for my project.

I'm also continuing volunteering. I'm back at the health clinic tomorrow, and I'm genuinely excited, I've really missed it. I also have my first safespace shift of the year lined up, which is something else to look forward to. I'm lining up a new potential volunteering role as well, working for a scheme that monitors standards of healthcare in the local area and works on patient feedback, which would help me learn so much more about the workings of the NHS, this is potentially really exciting.

On top of this, I'm working on applications for my back up - an MSc in Cardiovascular Science, which is offered by 4 universities in England. Surprisingly the application process for this is more detailed and stressful than going through UCAS for medicine!

So how would I recommend coping with being rejected from a medical school?
Firstly it's important not to see it as the be all and end all of everything. It's gutting to get rejected, but it's a normal part of the application. You have 3 other choices to focus on, therefore work hard and learn from the experience, to better display yourself, should you get an interview for any of the others. If you get rejected from all 4, then look at the feedback given to you by the medical schools to enhance your application next time. If it was your UKCAT, work harder to improve your score. Do more volunteering, more paid work, anything to give you a wider idea of what medicine entails. And remember to apply to your strengths. Different medical schools have different selection criteria, therefore apply to the schools that look for aspects of your application that are particularly strong. Try not to be discouraged.

I hear from the medical school I got an interview for next month and the other schools should give me a decision as to whether or not I get an interview in the next couple of weeks.

Wish me luck!

XOX

New Year and New Beginnings - Reflections on a Not-so Terrible Year

I'm procrastinating from my cell pathology coursework by writing a blog, but seriously I wanted to round off this year. I've gone through the last couple of months thinking this is one of the worst years I've had so far, so in that instance, I'm going to be really glad to see the back of it. But whilst I'm being reflective, this year has bought so much and I've learnt so much from it. Firstly this year has bought the most changes since the year I left home and moved to Brighton, and although I've been so focused on the bad, this year has also given me some absolutely amazing experiences. The major one of these is travelling to the other side of the world entirely alone. I went to Thailand, a truly beautiful country, and definitely one of my favourite places, and working in a hospital, we'll I couldn't have done anything better. I saw surgery, travelled around, learnt about another culture. If it could change anything about the experience the only. Thing I could think of is that I would go for longer. I also went to Spain, and instead of just sun soaking, I got to interact with locals (in Spanish of course!) learn about the local area, and see it as more than just a place with a beach and heat, and actually appreciate how great Spanish culture is. 

This year is also the year that I really got to know myself and what I wanted out of life. Travelling bought ith it a lot of self discovery and widening by understanding of what I could do, as well as giving me a more realistic perspective of what I've got imprinted into me what I already wanted to do. But most of this actually came from realising what I don't want as well. I'm not content with just coasting through life and doing exactly what's expected of me, I want something extraordinary. I started this year volunteering in a project for homeless people, and this in itself was absolutely amazing. I then built on this with more volunteering experiences, working in a family centre and as a first aider for one of the most influential organisations in the world. With this I get to work with different people, experience scenarios that I couldn't have imagined, and spend my Saturday nights doing something other than vegetating in front of the television. I wouldn't have it any othe way. Anything I write down couldn't accurately describe the value of volunteering, therefore if you don't do it already, I'd encourage you to try! I ran 10 miles for charity back in October too, which was absolutely fantastic. If you know me, you'd know I'm not the most active person, therefore this was a massive achievement for me just to finish it, as well as raising over my target for the British Heart Foundation, an absolutely amazing charity. 

This year is the first year I've properly felt like an adult, my decisions (on the most part) have been much more responsible. I've also learnt that sometimes it's okay, and completely necessary to put myself first. I've also learnt it's important to take what you want out of life, there's absolutely no value in sitting on the sidelines, and I haven't regretted any of the decisions I made, to do something maybe slightly insane! (Particular reference to bungee jumping in Thailand!) I've gained so many amazing memories, things that I'll always treasure. 

In terms of new experiences, I applied for medicine this year. This is something I've been planning (and dreading!) for a long time, and I'm really excited I'm actually doing it, even if I don't get in, I'm going to learn so much from this experience, and in that scenario, I'll be bringing in next year in the same situation, hopefully whilst also studying for a masters degree, living in some city somewhere, of which I don't even know where it is yet.

This year has also been great in terms of friendships, not only have I met some amazing people and made some amazing new friends, I've also been able to deepen my friendships with some of the people I was already friends with. I've really learnt this year to appreciate the people around me and I feel really content in this aspect of my life, because I know whatever happens, they have my back. I'm really lucky to have all of them. 

So what does 2014 bring?

I'm starting 2014 in a great position, I live in what is the most beautiful city in the country, studying for a degree in a subject I'm passionate about. I'm starting this year single, for the first time really since 2007, but I'm surrounded by absolutely amazing people, so I'm not at all feeling lonely. I have a job, which allows me to talk to people and get money for it, and I'm still volunteering, meaning I get to continue building on these amazing experiences. This year I'll find out if I get into medicine, and graduate as a biomedical scientist. This year I'm going to move to a new city and gain new experiences, meet so many new people. I want to travel more this year, with going to Dublin at Easter, going away this summer seems a likely possibilty too. I'd like to finally get to Germany this year, visit the Christmas markets in Berlin (drink lots of jäger :D). I want to visit Iceland, see the northern lights, I wouldn't mind visiting Asia again either. I also want to sit on a beach somewhere abroad (pebbles in Brighton are great, but not quite the same thing!). I know that I probably won't do all of this, but I like the ability to dream about it. I'll also be doing the nuts challenge in March, an army style assault course, so will be training for this! 

Last year I made a list of resolutions to keep to, I'm not going to do the same this year because in reality I just have one:

This year I'm going to be happy.

(And maybe get fitter, take more photos and better control of my finances etc. :D)

I hope you all have a fantastic 2014, and bring 2013 out with a (metaphorical) bang!

XOX

Post-application: the view from the other side

As you'll know if you've been reading my blog, or have applied to/ know someone who has applied to medicine yourself, almost a month has passed since the application deadline. Now being me, I typically left this until the day of the deadline, to give myself enough time to master that personal statement, which in all honesty was one of the most challenging parts of my entire application. I found it so difficult to fit in everything I'd done into 4000 characters, and I failed at this in that I had to sacrifice writing about some of my less relevant experiences in favour of the more clinically related ones. 

Anyway what have I been doing since then? Well I've started to progress on my final year project, experimenting and writing some of the all important literature review. As much as I love my university, access to some of the papers I've wanted has been somewhat challenging to say the least! I'm producing a drug-eluting stent, for use in coronary arteries in patients presenting with atherosclerosis. This is an exciting area of research, and due to my love for all things cardiovascular, I'm actually really looking forward to progressing it. With it also being something that hasn't been done before at the university, it'll be great to see how far we can get. I've been progressing through third year. There's a lot more work this year, and it's involving significantly more library time, but I feel relatively on top of everything, which is nice! Hopefully this will minimise the whole 'going crazy at exam time' thing.

I'm also continuing volunteering, which has been enjoyable. In my role at the family centre, I'm gaining more responsibility, which is really helping to develop my confidence, so I feel pretty great in that aspect also. Getting back into the society at uni is really making me feel like I have more of a purpose for this year, and I intend to make the most out of my final year here. 

In terms of my application, I've not been quite as cool as I would have hoped. Its because of the amount I want it, but as not to set myself up for disappointment, I emotionally readied myself for 4 straight rejections without interview, this hasn't stopped me panicking slightly every time I get an email on a weekday (I get the notifications on my phone as well, it's been pretty rough!) in case it's a reply from a university, or an update from track. And this had been entirely unnecessary, until today when I actually got my first reply. 

A month of waiting, feeling apprehensive and hoping, the first university that got back to me offered me an interview. 

Now this is amazing! It's such an honour to even be shortlisted down from so many people, and it makes medical school feel more like a reality. It means that a medical school has liked my application enough to consider me for a place. I know that this could lead to nothing, but even to get this far is motivation enough to really put my all in, not only my preparations for this interview, but also in terms of my course. 

Wish me luck!

XOX

Personal Statement Woes

I struggle sometimes with being concise and saying the right thing, so for writing my personal statement I've written myself some questions, some of which I'm going to share:

'Why do I want to be a doctor?

I know it’s always been cliché to say, but I want to be a doctor to help people. I want to make people better, and when this isn’t possible I want to make a difference. Improve a person’s comfort on their last days and provide support by the other people affected by this, for the family, for the friends. I love science, I’ve always loved science, and it’s why I did 4 at A-Level. It’s not just that I really want to have a scientific career, it’s that I couldn’t imagine not having one. So why not research? I love working with people. I volunteer not to make it look good on my medical school application (although it helps), but to see the difference that my actions can make to the lives of others, in a positive way. I like working with people different to myself. People always have different things to offer, and you can learn something from each of them, whether that be an academic with years of studying behind them, of the man you dismissed on your way home when he asked you for change. Every one of them has something to offer. Medicine is one of the only careers you can have where you can engage with such a wide range of people, all with different backgrounds, all with different stories. This is what is so great about the NHS, despite all of its problems, it is inclusive. Everyone has access to free healthcare that they need, something that isn’t present in other countries. Take Thailand for example, where I spent this summer. There people get what they can afford, not just in terms of the quality of treatment, but in whether they can access treatment at all. We are so privileged to live in a country where we can have this amazing creation, despite its well documented problems, that each of us is guilty of taking for granted. I’m passionate about being part of this.

What are the challenges concerned with medical school?

One of the major challenges concerned with medical school is that is a degree, and a degree means you have to work so hard to do well at it. I’ve had experience doing this with my Biomedical Science degree. It isn’t all about being a student and dossing about and being drunk. If you want to do well at a degree you need to put in the effort. However university is also meant to be an amazing experience and if you focus only on the academic side of it, you’re kind of missing the point. Getting actively involved in university is a great way to enhance your experience.  I love being part of a society, mixing the ability to be social with working towards a goal. Being on the first aid society is so rewarding, not only for the experience that come from the volunteering that runs alongside it, but seeing the how far everybody comes in such a short space of time. Its small milestones like this that really enriches your experience. Balancing is so important if you want to finish university successfully. Doing a degree doesn’t mean you have to abandon all interests for 3+ years (even though it may feel like that!) but rather it should be a time in which you be developing them. Take me as an example, I love photography, I love the ability to capture a fleeting moment and commit it to something more permanent. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country, why would I pass up that opportunity? It helps you to not get stressed. When I feel like my brain is saturated, I play a classical piece on the piano. Completely different, yet it feels like such a palette cleanser, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What have I done to prepare for the challenges of being a doctor?

I work as a first aider for 2 separate companies. This way I can get patient contact, which isn’t just “oh you’ve treated me, thank you very much, I’ll be leaving”, It’s challenging. Sometimes you can’t help the patient. Often patients are distressed, angry or drunk, sometimes downright aggressive. This isn’t a problem, in many ways it’s understandable. If you don’t understand what’s happening, being a patient can be downright scary. The difference is in how you handle these situations. You can have such a massive impact by acting tactfully. You cannot treat every patient the same and deliver a good standard of care. Every patient has the right to equal treatment, but every patient also needs to be treated tactfully based on their individual situation. This makes the difference in how satisfied your patient is with their treatment.

I’ve worked in a family centre, learning a little on NHS protocol. I’ve also worked in the community, in which I’ve definitely improved in confidence, something that will help me exponentially, should I become a doctor."

24 hours to the deadline!

XOX