Festive Cynicism

It's the festive period so I'm inspired to write a new blog post. Unfortunately I won't be playing on festivities and baubles or even Christmas food. More like the disappointment this holiday can bring, not by failing to be an adequate one, but failing to reach the exceptionally high expectations that come with it. I don't feel full of Christmas cheer, it doesn't particularly feel like a magical season and the only thing I really feel like doing tomorrow is reading papers for my research project. Christmas as an adult, who doesn't have or particularly want children right now is as far removed from the typical festive season we're fed as a product of marketing and commercialisation of this holiday.

I remember Christmas 11 years ago particularly well, being old enough to not believe in Santa any more but young enough that your parents still think you might, so you do the whole thing of  putting out food for Santa and the reindeers, a stocking at the end of the bed. Hiding the main presents around the house. The relatives come round for dinner, or even just pop in and out - this is the first year in without my nan, who has been there for almost all of the Christmas' I've had in my lifetime, so it will be strange, but the Christmas that sticks out in my memory she was very much present - as in the period I would describe as her still being herself. I think the main thing I miss about Christmases as a child though, and not just the one I'm describing, is having my partner in crime around too. See as children we would bicker, but as we approached teenage years it got to the point where she knew me just as well, potentially even better than I know myself, and ever since she's been gone, it really hasn't been the same. I don't know if the loss of this is entirely due to the loss of her, or what went with it. I lost my naivety, my childlike spirit around Christmas 8 years ago, along with my best friend, and it's been replaced with this indifference and cynicism that I don't know how to rectify. But maybe this is a result of 1 Christmas of such heavy losses, or maybe it would have happened anyway - a loss of excitement coinciding with a gain in maturity, that I would have experienced anyway, just perhaps not so rushed if it hadn't been thrust upon me, leaving this interpretation that Christmas is for children or the people who have them,

Anyway - enough psychoanalysis of the festive period. Tomorrow I will spend my Christmas contemplating what it's really about, as an alternative to the materialistic one that we seem to be more and more subjected to. Additionally, perhaps positively reflect on Christmases gone by and remind myself of how amazing this period actually can be. Plus the food. The food is great.

Merry Christmas All!

XOX

How to Heal a Broken Heart

When I was 14, I lost my sister, and this was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

But an ending like this isn't the end of the story, at least not for the ones who are left behind. I felt like my heart completely shattered. I literally felt numb. And on top of this there's no instructions on how to rebuild, you just struggle through somehow. So how do people do this? Some throw themselves into their work, focus on something time-consuming and in many ways seems pretty arbitrary. An alternative to this is to through yourself into relationships, find someone who loves you and will help you stick the pieces back together with time. You can throw yourself into trying to make the world right in whichever way you see fit, try and heal a disease, or raise awareness for your cause, change policies and work for things which are now very close to your heart. The other alternative to this is to throw yourself into a religion, seek a relationship with the divine, which in itself can bring a lot of comfort in giving promise of something so much more than the very impermanent world we live in. I think I've experienced almost everyone of these at some point over the last 8 years, and I couldn't say that I feel 'fixed'. Not by a long shot.

But if you look into this further, what criteria is there to define a person as 'broken'. A quick Google search gives words such as 'dejected' or 'accumulation of irreputable damage' or 'difficulty letting people in'. My personal opinion is that broken in the context of a person is the feeling of not quite being whole, for whatever reason. But the kind of beautiful thing about feeling this way is that you'll never be alone in feeling like this. So many people are a little broken in so many different ways, and in lots of ways there's a feeling of resonance of people who've been through a similar experience, almost a sense of comradery in talking about all these things that your other friends have absolutely no way of understanding, and there's absolutely no way you'd want them to either.

Feeling broken has a way of changing who you are too. You lose so many friendships because people don't know how to communicate with you so the easiest thing is to avoid the situation. I found I had absolutely no time for problems I considered to be minute, especially within the first year, that I found it almost impossible in lots of ways to communicate with my peers. But the friends who stick become these amazing people who were there for you when you felt like your world had ended. Who walk with you and help you to pick up the pieces when you felt like you couldn't do this by yourself. When it comes to relationships, I particularly have found it very difficult to let someone get close, and when you do you find it incredibly frightening because the future always seems so uncertain and I feel incapable of taking anything like that for granted any more. But the right person can make you feel so loved and secure at the same time that at times you almost feel whole. It feels just like an emotional bandage.

8 years on, I can almost feel myself mending, but there'll always be emotional scars from what happened to me. You get to the point where you can look back and not see what happened but look back fondly and smile on the time you did get. I appreciate that I got to spend almost my entire childhood being guided by one of the most fantastic people I've ever known, someone who according to medical professionals at the time, shouldn't have lived long enough for me to remember them.

My current thinking is that even after so much time, it's really okay not to be okay. It's okay to not get over something or to get upset or even feel scared about something that's already happened. I used to have so many nightmares in which the thing I was scared of had already happened. I've also been thinking how much my life has been influenced by what happened. I've got this incredible compassion for people and a drive that makes me want to save the world almost, which I quench by embarking on really varied volunteering opportunities. I might not have pursued medicine, but gone into something in the field of maths, or maybe history or psychology. Perhaps I would have wanted to do law. Maybe that would have meant that I would have gone to a different university, so maybe I wouldn't have met some of the people who are now some of my best friends, not to mention my current partner. Perhaps I wouldn't be in London right now, but I'd actually be in some other city living some completely different life. Or maybe in some round about way I'd be exactly where I am now. Probably somewhere in between.

I feel like I've been misleading in this blog, so I'll round it up with that I actually don't know the answer to the titular question. I don't know how to mend a broken heart. I wish I could give you a promise of some magic pill that will permanently make everything feel so much better (not a temporary numbness that many try to achieve with alcohol). People seek solace in many different pursuits and I think that my current opinion is that I can't fix my broken heart completely so I'll study the heart as an organ and try and fix other peoples. But although it's a cliché, the best medicine for a broken heart is time.

When I was 14, I lost my sister, and it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But I'm okay.

XOX

London Calling!

So I've done it, taken a massive step and done like so many others have attempted before me. I moved to the capital! So let me just explain exactly what I'm doing here because apparently I didn't realise this until I started explaining my decisions to people who didn't know what was going on with me.

I've decided to undertake a masters in Cardiovascular Research at King's College London. In the recent QS rankings it ranked an extremely impressive number 16 worldwide, with only 5 other UK institutions beating it. this is phenomenal, so I guess one of the primary reasons that I'm here is to gain a world class education. Secondly, King's is excellent for Cardiovascular research, having earned an award from the BHF for research excellence, being one of only 2 universities to do so. I'm absolutely fascinated by the cardiovascular system, and the opportunity to be able to study it intricately whilst developing my practical skills, which - lets face it, are poor, if being described optimistically, was too good to pass up. This is going to be really beneficial for me for a number of reasons. I could go into medical research... and this degree would equip me to do so. Or if i decide that I actually want to pursue medicine again, this could help me to become a researching consultant specialising in Cardiology, both of which would be a pretty amazing job! Right now I'm not sure if I want to apply for medicine again. I'd love to study it, but the idea of 4 years more studying is a little daunting, so next year I'm going to take some time out and decide for certain if this is what I want to do. And if it still is after pursuing the over options available to me, then I will throw myself whole heartedly into it!

As for London - London is big and unfriendly and scary, but as many existential crises I've had since I've been here (Yes - plural!) I can walk through this city now and get excited about what it has to offer. I can find museums I want to go to with my housemates, or find lots of quirky, very London-esque restaurants to take my significant over too, and nice compact metropolitan areas perfect for taking friends from outside of the city. This is city is going to take hold of me and I think by the end of this year I'll feel like a brash 'typical Londoner' I'm just hoping I don't lose the friendly parts of me that have developed from being a from a large town!

Here's to new adventures!

XOX

Choosing Your Adventures

Do you ever feel the need to just take off? I mean I felt this in second year, and I was determined that the reasoning for this was to escape. I was stressed about exams, my job. The relationship I had at the time was pretty bad at this point and I was finding it hard to cope. This feeling didn't really go away until the summer afterwards, and I thought it was just that I was less stressed, but now looking back at it I think it was because I went to Thailand. This was probably one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. But now, exactly one year on, I'm feeling this itch again.

It's started by feeling dissatisfied. I'm starting my masters in a couple of weeks and the whole process of organising it has been so stressful. On top of this, actually studying my masters is going to be just as stressful. I've been feeling like I don't want to do anything, and the feeling of being so disinterested in everything has been pretty horrendous. I mean I have everything I thought I wanted, so what is wrong with me? I want to travel again. This time closer to home however. I want to travel around Europe - Barcelona, Berlin, Italy, Prague, Russia, Croatia, Belgium, Amsterdam. You name it, I probably would rather be there than anywhere in the UK at the moment. I even kind of want to do it alone again too. There's something so liberating about travelling alone, meeting people you're probably not going to talk to again, having completely new and amazing experiences, and they're yours. I'm dreaming about this and it's gotten to the point in which going to London, something I always said I wanted to do, is leaving me feeling trapped. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I think this is part of who I am. I want to explore everywhere, and the fact that I cannot do any more for over a year is making me feel pretty bad.

Again though, London will be an adventure, and I'm feeling anxious about it, but I think this might be a good kind of anxious. It's a new chapter and a once in a lifetime experience. So I should be more excited right?

I'm hoping this will change, I'll probably be there in a weeks time!

Here's to experiences!

XOX

Graduated!!

3 days ago I had my (first) graduation ceremony, Check it out :D

To be able to say that I have a degree in Biomedical Science, a good degree at that, opens up so many doors! I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a little disappointed that I won't be starting medicine this year, but I'm excited for what the future brings. I'll be starting my MSc in Cardiovascular Research in a little under 2 months time, and this will help with really preparing me for both if I decide not to pursue medicine at a later date and embarked on a career in medical research, and if I do decide to pursue medicine, it will be an excellent tool to use in both following the specialism (cardiology) in which I would like to train, as well as equipping me with research skills, which I'm finding more and more I want to be a part of the career I'm involved in.

In terms of ambition, I've always been cautious, or as cautious as anyone wanting to pursue medicine can be! I've had my share of setbacks and disappointment, which has led me to not really expect too much of myself. I always kind of envisioned myself working quietly as a trained doctor but never really progressing. Now, I kind of want to be a consultant, dividing my time between working with patients and actively researching my field Maybe it's just a pipedream, but everyone needs an aim.

As for medicine 2015, I'm around 90% sure that I won't be reapplying this year. Partaking in a masters is costly, and I think it'll be beneficial for me to pay back some of that loan first before getting myself in even more debt with medicine! It'll give me time to decide with absolute certainty that this is what I want.

For now, Lots of work to do!

XOX

[Inability to come up with inventive new titles for blog posts so stole an old one]

Having a typical attack of insomnia and feeling horrendous today anyway so I might as well update on here.

So since I last left you I've completed my exams, and found out that I'm graduating with a 2:1 degree. I know this is an achievement, particularly in a subject like mine, but I can't help but feel slightly disappointed because a few differences and I could have walked away with a first. One of the hardest things to deal with in this case is that I can't do anything to change it now. All through my degree there was always another module, another exam, something that could give me the opportunity to make my grade higher, but now that's it. It's done. 

I've also made a decision concerning the next year of my life. I'm not reapplying to medicine this year. It's expensive, and failing having an expansive pit of money at my disposal, I can't really afford to do both that and a masters degree. I will be studying cardiovascular research at Kings College, with a view to hopefully getting myself a job afterwards, if only to earn some money before returning to be a student. This is going to be an entirely new challenge, and one I can't particularly bring myself to look forward to whilst I'm still tying off all the loose ends of my life here in Brighton but I think it'll be something really positive.

Anyway graduating next week, then moving back home for a while, which should prove interesting! 

To pressing forward! 

XOX

Reflections on 3 Years of Biomed

I sat yesterday, staring at the final piece of coursework for my degree, and stressing over the fact that I have 2 weeks until my first exam, and I feel unprepared. This made me think back to my first year, the time when I actually started this blog, and reflect on how I thought I was stressed back then. Stressed about passing level 4, of which the grade didn't even count towards my final degree classification. It made me smile and feel nostalgic for those days. Things were completely different then, and in a way they felt so simple. A time where I don't think I fully appreciated how much free time I had, I didn't even have a job back then, all of my time was mine. I wanted medicine so badly, which was seconded by how badly I wanted things to work out in terms of my, even back then starting to go sour, relationship. I was desperately holding on to who I was when I was 16, despite the fact that everything around me had changed and as a result I could feel myself changing with it.

On top of that I was settling into a new city, feeling homesick often enough for me to jump on a train and travel home whenever I felt like it. Now this city feels like home, and although I feel like I'm ready for a new challenge, I'm really going to miss living here. I love Brighton, especially how vibrant it is, how much there is to do here, how beautiful it is, and most importantly the experiences I've had here.

Now I'm finishing level 6 - my final year. Understandably I'm stressed out, but I've really enjoyed this degree, and coming so close to graduating, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to put it behind me quite yet. I've met some amazing people here, people who represent some of my very best friends now, and I've grown up, realised that change isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it makes life much richer.

I've changed my attitude on medicine too, trying and failing for the first time has made me far more realistic about the possibility of getting in. It's also made me question myself. Finally, instead of pursuing something out of habit, a 8 year long thought process, I'm able to think critically again about the pros and cons of pursuing this career path, and I feel like I'm able to explore my options and decide on if I still want to do this in summer when I've cleared my mind from coursework and exams. I won't go into the reasoning here, I've already blogged about it.

My last reflection is on this blog itself, I really hope I've managed to create a realistic account of what it's like to  be a medicine hopeful, and the fact that it isn't easy. It's always good to be reflective of where you've come from and actually learn from those experiences.

I'm going to pursue a masters degree for next year, it feels like the right move for me and it'll put me in a great position no matter what I decide my next move is, whether that be medicine, or if I decide to pursue research instead.

For now you'll either be bombarded with several blog posts with me procrastinating, or there'll be complete radio silence.

XOX