I don't know what it is that makes me feel not quite at home here, Church-wise I'm more settled than I ever was in Reading, The people are lovely, I'm always busy, always stuck in. I have friends, a job, and all the home comforts I got used to in Reading, including my little saxo, but something's missing.
I don't know what it is.
I think its the phenomenon where you can be in a crowded room but still feel so alone, Brighton's so busy, it's so easy to get caught up with things but not only do I not know what's going on with my friends back home, but I don't know what's going on with people here. I have people who care about me and want to be there for me but I have a tendency to shut them out. On the back of my last blog, 4 people said to me that I don't need to be alone and that they'd come with me if that was what I wanted, and not because they felt they had to but because they wantedto, which really means a lot. But despite this I feel like I'm inwardly screaming but no-one knows. I don't know why I'm finding this winter tougher than normal, I guess it's so easy to get homesick this time of year,
I love Brighton, but I can't help but feel down
XOX
Saturday 24 November 2012
Wednesday 21 November 2012
When It Rains...
I hate this time of year with a passion, I don't like how cold it gets, I don't like the leaf litter, the wind that chills you to your bones, particularly by the seaside. I hate the stress of Christmas I hate that I've worked the only 2 days that the sun's even been visible this month, I don't like de-icing the car, I hate what this time of year represents. I hate the rain.
Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.
A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.
It's just difficult sometimes
But in all actuality, I love this time of year.
I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.
I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.
So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,
XOX
Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.
A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.
It's just difficult sometimes
But in all actuality, I love this time of year.
I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.
I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.
So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,
XOX
Sunday 18 November 2012
It's Sunday morning and I would kill for the chance to drive
Since I was a kid, whenever I've gotten upset about things, I've always wanted to run, I even packed a bag once and walked down the road, but I only got halfway down before I turned back. I never want to go, I just want to get away. Last year, I got upset about my housing situation, it was exam time and I was stressing so much over everything, so I walked away, I walked all the way up the hill and sat outside our new house just dreaming of something a little better than this.
Tonight, I craved some greasy food, so I went up to the McDonalds drive-thru and then it came to driving home. I didn't want to go home so I drove 10 miles up the road to Worthing, all down the coast road. You see, I never know where I want to go when I do this kind of thing but I tend to go to something I've been thinking of, like the new house. I'd seen a picture of Worthing pier earlier in the day and that was enough to draw me to it. Some things that I observed:
Tonight, I craved some greasy food, so I went up to the McDonalds drive-thru and then it came to driving home. I didn't want to go home so I drove 10 miles up the road to Worthing, all down the coast road. You see, I never know where I want to go when I do this kind of thing but I tend to go to something I've been thinking of, like the new house. I'd seen a picture of Worthing pier earlier in the day and that was enough to draw me to it. Some things that I observed:
- The coast really isn't as scenic when you properly get out of Brighton
- People get really annoyed with you driving the speed limit when it's the middle of the night
- Sussex council really don't give much notice for road closures
- Closing the A27 really isn't a good idea, even if it is 3am
- Hollingbury at night feels like the scene of a horror movie when it's silent and you're alone. And next to a run-down old bus stop
- Police eye you up when you're driving around alone on a Saturday night
No matter where I go, no matter how much i want to escape, I always end up coming back
XOX
Monday 22 October 2012
Could we pretend that sky lanterns in the night sky were like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...
So tonight, me and my 2 lovely housemates went to Brighton Racecourse to send a sky lantern up to Jenny for her birthday, so after some interesting CCTV footage, many discarded matches and 1 trip back to get matches after the lighter lost gas, we finally got it up in the air.
This time of year's always hard, I miss you loads..
XOX
This time of year's always hard, I miss you loads..
XOX
BRCA
I've been putting off writing this for so long, but it's on my mind so here goes...
Breast cancer has many associated genes, It's unknown exactly how many or the exact mechanism of action of all of these genes but it is known that having one of these genes increases your risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer considerably. The most common forms are known as BRCA 1 & 2.
BRCA is a tumour suppressor gene, which can become ineffective if mutated.
When testing for mutations on the BRCA gene, ordinarily the affected person is tested first, to which afterwards 1st and 2nd degree relatives are tested. The likelihood that an offspring would have inherited the gene is 50% due to an autosomal dominant inheritance pattern. It is located on chromosome 17, not a sex chromosome therefore the risk can be passed onto offspring of both genders.
A few weeks ago, I found out that my grandmother, who had breast cancer back in the 1980's. Recently it's been found it that she has a mutation on the BRCA 1 gene meaning that I have a 25% chance of having the gene myself.
So tomorrow, I'm scheduled in to have my first ever blood test and I'm scared. I'm scared of the needles, I'm scared its going to hurt. Most of all I'm scared of the result. I know there are things that can be done to reduce my chances with regular mammograms, not taking the contraceptive pill etc. but it's still frightening to have the prospect of potentially possessing some kind of genetic disorder.
There's also the options I have if I found out that I do have the gene. This includes a preventative mastectomy and/or oophorectomy, but then I want to have children. But if I do have this gene would it be worth risking passing it on to any potential offspring? I know that I also have the option of IVF with genetic screening, but it's costly with the potential ethical issue of is it right to choose an embryo on the basis of its genes? To test for a defect certainly, but where do we draw the line? What if my potential future offspring have to deal with seeing their mother go through such a traumatic experience?
There's also the issue of dysmenorrhea, to the point in which I suffer from emesis, among other symptoms. If I have a mutation in the BRCA gene then I need to stop taking the contraceptive pill which is the only thing that I've found to control the symptoms.
What if I don't have it.
I'd want to know in that circumstance, but I'm just so terrified of the result.
What if my mother has it? I don't know if I could deal with another immediate family member being so ill again, I don't think I can both emotionally and physically go through that again.
Wish me luck! I'm gladly welcoming prayers right now!
XOX
Breast cancer has many associated genes, It's unknown exactly how many or the exact mechanism of action of all of these genes but it is known that having one of these genes increases your risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer considerably. The most common forms are known as BRCA 1 & 2.
BRCA is a tumour suppressor gene, which can become ineffective if mutated.
When testing for mutations on the BRCA gene, ordinarily the affected person is tested first, to which afterwards 1st and 2nd degree relatives are tested. The likelihood that an offspring would have inherited the gene is 50% due to an autosomal dominant inheritance pattern. It is located on chromosome 17, not a sex chromosome therefore the risk can be passed onto offspring of both genders.
A few weeks ago, I found out that my grandmother, who had breast cancer back in the 1980's. Recently it's been found it that she has a mutation on the BRCA 1 gene meaning that I have a 25% chance of having the gene myself.
So tomorrow, I'm scheduled in to have my first ever blood test and I'm scared. I'm scared of the needles, I'm scared its going to hurt. Most of all I'm scared of the result. I know there are things that can be done to reduce my chances with regular mammograms, not taking the contraceptive pill etc. but it's still frightening to have the prospect of potentially possessing some kind of genetic disorder.
There's also the options I have if I found out that I do have the gene. This includes a preventative mastectomy and/or oophorectomy, but then I want to have children. But if I do have this gene would it be worth risking passing it on to any potential offspring? I know that I also have the option of IVF with genetic screening, but it's costly with the potential ethical issue of is it right to choose an embryo on the basis of its genes? To test for a defect certainly, but where do we draw the line? What if my potential future offspring have to deal with seeing their mother go through such a traumatic experience?
There's also the issue of dysmenorrhea, to the point in which I suffer from emesis, among other symptoms. If I have a mutation in the BRCA gene then I need to stop taking the contraceptive pill which is the only thing that I've found to control the symptoms.
What if I don't have it.
I'd want to know in that circumstance, but I'm just so terrified of the result.
What if my mother has it? I don't know if I could deal with another immediate family member being so ill again, I don't think I can both emotionally and physically go through that again.
Wish me luck! I'm gladly welcoming prayers right now!
XOX
Sunday 21 October 2012
Normal?
So today marks 22 years since the birth of my sister, but instead of making plans and buying gifts I'm having a completely normal day, I'm going to work followed by church. Uneventful? certainly. But to me this is huge. This will be the first year in the last 6 years that I haven't sat and wallowed in self pity for the whole day, It will also be the first year I'm not in Reading. And whilst it's so easy to feel totally alone, it's quite nice having the anonymity. I'm not going to be surrounded by people who know what today is, so people aren't going to come up to me and ask how I'm doing or if I'm upset. As nice as it is, I think I might cry if they did so, and I'm trying to be as normal as possible.
This weeks been so hard, it's been a frustrating week anyway. My car has a problem with its fan that has re-occurred, following this the fitting for my windscreen wiper snapped causing it to displace whilst I was driving. Then 2 days ago I go around the corner to find the wing mirror dangling down beside my car. So when I think this is more than enough for me to handle, I walk out to go to work yesterday evening to find my wheel arch scratched and dented from where someone had hit it whilst it was parked. This led to me crying in the car, something I haven't done for a long time. But it wasn't just the car. I try to be so strong, because it's not productive to anyone else if I fall apart, and I guess I expect it to be easier now it's been so long and so much has happened since, but it's not always easy, and this time of year it's so much harder to pretend.
Anyway, Happy 22nd Birthday Jenny :)
XOX
This weeks been so hard, it's been a frustrating week anyway. My car has a problem with its fan that has re-occurred, following this the fitting for my windscreen wiper snapped causing it to displace whilst I was driving. Then 2 days ago I go around the corner to find the wing mirror dangling down beside my car. So when I think this is more than enough for me to handle, I walk out to go to work yesterday evening to find my wheel arch scratched and dented from where someone had hit it whilst it was parked. This led to me crying in the car, something I haven't done for a long time. But it wasn't just the car. I try to be so strong, because it's not productive to anyone else if I fall apart, and I guess I expect it to be easier now it's been so long and so much has happened since, but it's not always easy, and this time of year it's so much harder to pretend.
Anyway, Happy 22nd Birthday Jenny :)
XOX
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Questions Of Science, Science & Progress Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart
Tonight we had the worst thunderstorm we've had for a while. Now usually by the sea we don't get the weather too bad but even Brighton didn't escape it today. My lovely housemates have abandoned me tonight! So I decided to try and improve on guitar (one of my ambitions before summer!)
Look Proof!:
Look Proof!:
As much as I love studying science, I need a creative outlet! For the last 2 years this has been through my photography but I've really missed music. I also played some piano today (to a shop full of people but still..) and I still get a feeling that I don't get from playing music. I really wish I'd been encouraged from young to play, but I suppose I still get the same satisfaction from it as it's something I fought to be able to take up.
My beautiful little brother Ben turns 6 on Saturday and I really got stuck for a present so I got him this (I guess I'm hoping for him to take after his sisters!!) Also he's a big boy now, It'll be nice to give him something that he can (hopefully!) look after & cherish :) So here it is!:
I've tuned it up for him & I'm sure he'll love it, he loved the little plastic one I got him when he was 4. It's a 3/4 size, so he can use it now, but also he can keep it for a few years before he's too big for it.
As for uni, I started 2nd year this week, and although I'm incredibly intimidated by the expected workload, I believe I can achieve the necessary grades for me to get into medicine so I've created a system. For each lecture I'm planning to for each lecture have slides, notes, notes on extra reading and annotated related articles as well as keeping a hand-written glossary of terms which I will add to over the year. The folder looks so good so far!
I'm pretty proud of it....
Things are also moving on the volunteering side of things, I'm going to start attending meetings for Red Cross next week. This along with an interview for active student (which I'm aiming to achieve) and a possible week in Thailand in summer of next year, I'm well on the way to getting some valuable experience for my medical application and help me to develop skills with people. I'm compassionate about people so I'm incredibly excited for this!!
Wish me luck!
XOX
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Looking Back On What We've Done This Year..
I walked into CCK on Sunday, almost a year to the day in which I first arrived and it was so strange seeing all the new freshers, it made me think how were we this time last year?
The first thing that jumps into my head is about how unbelievably homesick I felt. I'd gone from this comfortable place, surrounded by people I love to a new area where I didn't know my way around and barely knew anyone and definitely didn't know anyone well. I spent a good proportion of that first week just willing myself back home. (Definitely must have been a little irritating too some of my new friends!). I didn't feel like I was coming to a new opportunity but leaving my entire life behind, and dooming myself to 3 years to staring through glass, from the outside looking in. I know it seems strange, it seems strange to me now, but although I was moving out, living alone for the first time, I felt I was giving away my independence and dooming myself to be financially dependant on my parents again. I gave up my job, which I was so happy and comfortable in and my car which was the one of the first real steps to independence that I'd ever had, which was so tough to deal with.
Most of all, I knew I'd find it intolerable to be away from Adam for so long. We had 3 years of seeing each other most days, if I needed him, I knew exactly where to find him, and I could get to him. I had no idea how we were going to cope with long distance and if we were going to make it. I mean so many couples break up when they go to uni, and I had no idea if I was going to be one of those statistics.
So fast forward to today:
The major thing that's come out of being in Brighton, is that it's enabled me to really make my faith into my own and I've grown so much this year. I'm enjoying having a stronger relationship with God and in return He's blessing me with clarity and a hunger to know him more.
I've also gained so much independence. Not only do I live away from home and cope with the responsibilities of that, but I got a new job, which has been such a blessing, it's a perfect opportunity for me and I get to work with some amazing people. This then enabled me to get my car back and break out of the little uni 'bubble' that it's so easy to get trapped in when you move to a city like Brighton.
I'm not looking through the glass, I'm living inside. I've met so many amazing people since living in Brighton, including some of my best friends.
I'm doing a course that I love which satisfies me more than Highdown ever could. I'm in an environment in which I can really expand my knowledge and achieve the best that I possibly can, including potentially achieving my dream.
As for Adam... We're celebrating our 4 year anniversary in two weeks time, and things couldn't be better.
Let's see what the next year brings!
XOX
The first thing that jumps into my head is about how unbelievably homesick I felt. I'd gone from this comfortable place, surrounded by people I love to a new area where I didn't know my way around and barely knew anyone and definitely didn't know anyone well. I spent a good proportion of that first week just willing myself back home. (Definitely must have been a little irritating too some of my new friends!). I didn't feel like I was coming to a new opportunity but leaving my entire life behind, and dooming myself to 3 years to staring through glass, from the outside looking in. I know it seems strange, it seems strange to me now, but although I was moving out, living alone for the first time, I felt I was giving away my independence and dooming myself to be financially dependant on my parents again. I gave up my job, which I was so happy and comfortable in and my car which was the one of the first real steps to independence that I'd ever had, which was so tough to deal with.
Most of all, I knew I'd find it intolerable to be away from Adam for so long. We had 3 years of seeing each other most days, if I needed him, I knew exactly where to find him, and I could get to him. I had no idea how we were going to cope with long distance and if we were going to make it. I mean so many couples break up when they go to uni, and I had no idea if I was going to be one of those statistics.
So fast forward to today:
The major thing that's come out of being in Brighton, is that it's enabled me to really make my faith into my own and I've grown so much this year. I'm enjoying having a stronger relationship with God and in return He's blessing me with clarity and a hunger to know him more.
I've also gained so much independence. Not only do I live away from home and cope with the responsibilities of that, but I got a new job, which has been such a blessing, it's a perfect opportunity for me and I get to work with some amazing people. This then enabled me to get my car back and break out of the little uni 'bubble' that it's so easy to get trapped in when you move to a city like Brighton.
I'm not looking through the glass, I'm living inside. I've met so many amazing people since living in Brighton, including some of my best friends.
I'm doing a course that I love which satisfies me more than Highdown ever could. I'm in an environment in which I can really expand my knowledge and achieve the best that I possibly can, including potentially achieving my dream.
As for Adam... We're celebrating our 4 year anniversary in two weeks time, and things couldn't be better.
Let's see what the next year brings!
XOX
Thursday 13 September 2012
Bad Dreams
I have a recurring nightmare.
I'm running down a corridor, the walls and floors are white, the atmosphere smells of disinfectant, grey doors line the corridor, but I don't try and go through. It's night time and the fluorescent lights on sensors turn on behind me, but I'm running too fast. I'm running into the darkness. I know where I'm going but I can't get there.
This is a real situation of mine, but in reality I got to my location and began one of the worst day of my life so far.
I think the feeling of a lack of control is the worst. Of knowing something bad is happening and you're powerless to stop it. I think that's why I never get there in the dream. Everything is so sterile and impersonal & clinical. Its cold. In the dream I'm scared and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic. I don't know how it's possible to be scared of something that's never happened, I just know that it is. It's like no other feeling.
Most of all I'm determined. I'm determined to stop this happening, to help in anyway I possibly can. To save lives, to save families.
I know I can't save every life, & sometimes I'm powerless, but I'm determined to give all of myself to try.
XOX
I'm running down a corridor, the walls and floors are white, the atmosphere smells of disinfectant, grey doors line the corridor, but I don't try and go through. It's night time and the fluorescent lights on sensors turn on behind me, but I'm running too fast. I'm running into the darkness. I know where I'm going but I can't get there.
This is a real situation of mine, but in reality I got to my location and began one of the worst day of my life so far.
I think the feeling of a lack of control is the worst. Of knowing something bad is happening and you're powerless to stop it. I think that's why I never get there in the dream. Everything is so sterile and impersonal & clinical. Its cold. In the dream I'm scared and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic. I don't know how it's possible to be scared of something that's never happened, I just know that it is. It's like no other feeling.
Most of all I'm determined. I'm determined to stop this happening, to help in anyway I possibly can. To save lives, to save families.
I know I can't save every life, & sometimes I'm powerless, but I'm determined to give all of myself to try.
XOX
New Blog, New Beginnings.
So basically I've decided to start a side- blog. This one will still continue and still be my main point of call as I go through life and head towards my ambitions.
I've also decided to write a blog dedicated to my personal relationship with God. It seems like a good idea to share my thoughts and what God's doing in my life as well as helping me to grow in relationship.
The new URL is:
allcomesbacktoyou.blogspot.co.uk
This is to make both this blog and the posts which will now be done on the new blog a bit more focused =]
Thanks so far to everyone who's reading this blog/ just coming across me, It's nice to think that someone's reading my thoughts and rantings as well as taking a personal interest in me and my ambitions.
I'll place a link in the side-bar also, if you fancy a read ;)
XOX
I've also decided to write a blog dedicated to my personal relationship with God. It seems like a good idea to share my thoughts and what God's doing in my life as well as helping me to grow in relationship.
The new URL is:
allcomesbacktoyou.blogspot.co.uk
This is to make both this blog and the posts which will now be done on the new blog a bit more focused =]
Thanks so far to everyone who's reading this blog/ just coming across me, It's nice to think that someone's reading my thoughts and rantings as well as taking a personal interest in me and my ambitions.
I'll place a link in the side-bar also, if you fancy a read ;)
XOX
Monday 10 September 2012
'A Living Sacrifice'
'And so, dear brothers & sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is the way to truly worship him. Don't copy the behaviours & customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.'
Romans 12v1-2 (NLT)
I read this verse today. I've been trying to improve my reading of the bible (Let's face it, I have A LOT of improvement in this area!) by doing a selection of plans, of which this one was part of a plan about food, a subject of which I've struggled with in the past. This is particularly in the way that it affects image.
As a biomedical science student, I can ramble of a million reasons about maintaining an 'ideal' size, body fat %, BMI etc. is good for your health, risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes. I can even understand the processes involving the storage of fats in the adipose cells. But this can also be a good excuse for your looks to become an obsession. In the 21st century we're thrown with images of stick thin celebrities and people who are anything higher than a size 6 being defined as 'curvy' with anything higher than a 12 being 'plus size'. Attractiveness is defined by BMI, which has been shown in studies to be shown at around a BMI of 20.
Being a size 10, I've felt the pressure to lose weight. I'm by no means overweight but I've been called 'fat' or been told I could 'lose a few pounds' to make clothes look better on me. Comments like this can easily make image become a lifestyle, constantly dieting, refusing food, leading to binging sessions and inevitable guilt. Whilst this is an obsession, we can so easily lose sight of the things we should be living for, we aren't looking to God if we're constantly looking to image and the conformation of others to find fulfilment. We cannot be fully satisfied by earthly things. I truly believe this. Things can satisfy for a short time and then, we're looking for something new to fill the void. This isn't the life that God has intended for us. The best way to find this is by placing everything into him, including ourselves.
Having struggled with this, I really struggled to read this today, and God would have known that. It's so easy to be paranoid about being the 'fat- friend' or being perceived as unattractive. But the best thing to do is Give it to God.
Don't fret over the little things ;)
XOX
Romans 12v1-2 (NLT)
I read this verse today. I've been trying to improve my reading of the bible (Let's face it, I have A LOT of improvement in this area!) by doing a selection of plans, of which this one was part of a plan about food, a subject of which I've struggled with in the past. This is particularly in the way that it affects image.
As a biomedical science student, I can ramble of a million reasons about maintaining an 'ideal' size, body fat %, BMI etc. is good for your health, risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes. I can even understand the processes involving the storage of fats in the adipose cells. But this can also be a good excuse for your looks to become an obsession. In the 21st century we're thrown with images of stick thin celebrities and people who are anything higher than a size 6 being defined as 'curvy' with anything higher than a 12 being 'plus size'. Attractiveness is defined by BMI, which has been shown in studies to be shown at around a BMI of 20.
Being a size 10, I've felt the pressure to lose weight. I'm by no means overweight but I've been called 'fat' or been told I could 'lose a few pounds' to make clothes look better on me. Comments like this can easily make image become a lifestyle, constantly dieting, refusing food, leading to binging sessions and inevitable guilt. Whilst this is an obsession, we can so easily lose sight of the things we should be living for, we aren't looking to God if we're constantly looking to image and the conformation of others to find fulfilment. We cannot be fully satisfied by earthly things. I truly believe this. Things can satisfy for a short time and then, we're looking for something new to fill the void. This isn't the life that God has intended for us. The best way to find this is by placing everything into him, including ourselves.
Having struggled with this, I really struggled to read this today, and God would have known that. It's so easy to be paranoid about being the 'fat- friend' or being perceived as unattractive. But the best thing to do is Give it to God.
Don't fret over the little things ;)
XOX
Sunday 9 September 2012
Going back to get away...
So my 36 hours in Reading consisted of:
2 trips to mcdonalds
3 drinks
5 seperate items from phones 4 u
1 birthday bash
A trip to Henley
Several hours at the purple turtle
& a krispy doughnut
as much as I love Brighton it doesn't quite match being back home, and I don't think i'll ever get used to being gone. So its always so nice to just go home :)
Anyway just a quick one today
XOX
(will post a photo later!)
2 trips to mcdonalds
3 drinks
5 seperate items from phones 4 u
1 birthday bash
A trip to Henley
Several hours at the purple turtle
& a krispy doughnut
as much as I love Brighton it doesn't quite match being back home, and I don't think i'll ever get used to being gone. So its always so nice to just go home :)
Anyway just a quick one today
XOX
(will post a photo later!)
Monday 3 September 2012
Here's to the past...
The past few days have been horrendous, all accumulating in me being stuck on the side of the A27 for about 2 hours longer than I would have hoped for. Running a car is meant to be expensive but mine has always been reasonably good, so it was quite sad that for the first time, I had to use my green flag membership but thinking about it, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful that my dad has my car on as an additional car on his breakdown cover, I thankful that today was the first decent weather day that we've had for a while, I'm thankful that I have a job and can actually afford this kind of thing when it happens (as inconvenient as it is, it isn't catastrophic), I'm thankful I broke down in a location where I could easily pull into a parking space and most of all, I'm thankful I wasn't alone when it happened.
It got me thinking though, that today hasn't been the worst day I've ever experienced. Not even close. As bad as it was I would spend weeks at the side of the road living on half a bottle of coke and dirty apples from the nearby tree, in gale force winds and a thunderstorm if it could have meant that that was the worst thing I'd ever go through would be that. My sister was a remarkable person, I never ever saw her get herself down, even though she had to deal with so much more than most people could even imagine. Even until the very end. She was my best friend, the person who I could always rely on to cheer me up when I went through just the normal things of growing up. I wish she could have been here to help me deal with people purposely making things difficult for me, life getting in the way in the most inconvenient of days and the things that are even bigger. I just can't help but think that sometimes things would just be a little bit easier if she was still around. But I try not to get sad about it any more (trust me it's difficult!) but think of it that the thing I'm most thankful for is that I got to have my best friend with me for 14 years and I couldn't really ask for more than that.
So the message I can leave with this is just be thankful for what you do have instead of being frustrated by the things you don't
I'm going to leave you with a picture of the most inspirational person I've ever had the privilege of knowing
XOX
It got me thinking though, that today hasn't been the worst day I've ever experienced. Not even close. As bad as it was I would spend weeks at the side of the road living on half a bottle of coke and dirty apples from the nearby tree, in gale force winds and a thunderstorm if it could have meant that that was the worst thing I'd ever go through would be that. My sister was a remarkable person, I never ever saw her get herself down, even though she had to deal with so much more than most people could even imagine. Even until the very end. She was my best friend, the person who I could always rely on to cheer me up when I went through just the normal things of growing up. I wish she could have been here to help me deal with people purposely making things difficult for me, life getting in the way in the most inconvenient of days and the things that are even bigger. I just can't help but think that sometimes things would just be a little bit easier if she was still around. But I try not to get sad about it any more (trust me it's difficult!) but think of it that the thing I'm most thankful for is that I got to have my best friend with me for 14 years and I couldn't really ask for more than that.
So the message I can leave with this is just be thankful for what you do have instead of being frustrated by the things you don't
I'm going to leave you with a picture of the most inspirational person I've ever had the privilege of knowing
XOX
Sunday 12 August 2012
'Towards a goal that's non-existent, Except maybe it is..'
So this post is basically an update for my previous post 'Employed'
1. I'm not sure how 'ace' I am at my new job, but my customer service MUST be getting better, it was commented on in the book by a customer
2. Voluntary work is pretty much a null at the moment, will maybe retry when September ends
3. Biochem... still my weak area, still working on it...
4. Guitar, I'm back to the level I was at best but I haven't got any better, well I don't think, I just haven't had the time!
5. Looked at game, will help, but I'm going to focus on some pharmacy stuff to start
6. Many guests = Happy Vicky :D May even convince some to move here....
7. Car back on road and back up to standard, just needs a tyre for the slow puncture in the back wheel
Halfway point: Getting there!
XOX
1. I'm not sure how 'ace' I am at my new job, but my customer service MUST be getting better, it was commented on in the book by a customer
2. Voluntary work is pretty much a null at the moment, will maybe retry when September ends
3. Biochem... still my weak area, still working on it...
4. Guitar, I'm back to the level I was at best but I haven't got any better, well I don't think, I just haven't had the time!
5. Looked at game, will help, but I'm going to focus on some pharmacy stuff to start
6. Many guests = Happy Vicky :D May even convince some to move here....
7. Car back on road and back up to standard, just needs a tyre for the slow puncture in the back wheel
Halfway point: Getting there!
XOX
1st in first year...recurring pattern?
So I found out a week ago that I got a first in my first year at uni! I got the news a few weeks ago that I was being classified under 'progress unconditionally' but this is amazing, and it feels like a year of hard work has finally paid off. I ended up with an overall grade of 73% which is so good considering I was averaging 2:1's In the first semester (still amazing AND enough for med schools to consider me academically at least) but towards the end of the years I actually seemed to realise what is expected of me at uni which is going to help me so much in the next 2 years. Despite this, I can't help but wonder about how I'm going to fare next year when it gets so much tougher (or so I've heard) and my final grade actually counts towards my degree. An upper second class honours degree would get me where I need to go but I think what I really need to realise is actually, how achievable is it? Something which I guess I'll realise in September. I think it helps though that I love my course.
I also found out this month that my job is being made permanent which is such a relief, because even though I could find another job, I feel so settled already and I really want to make the most of what I have and I really do honestly like where I work. I think when I am permanent, I can attempt at least to make my job interlink more with my future career progression, by hopefully first aid training and multi-skilling, hopefully in pharmacy. This is something I attempted to do when I worked at Tesco but left before I could complete the training. My current plan anyway is to go over the tools I already have to my disposal from the previous training and at least learning some new things, I'm getting so bored of not taking in new knowledge so I'm going to try this, improve in biochem (my only 2:2 module!) learn Italian, sign language and self teach some more guitar.
On top of all this, we just moved, I moved with Sarah (let's face it, I wasn't going to let her go anywhere!) and we've moved in with Laura who is so amazing an both of whom are so encouraging and I can just tell we're going to have some amazing times together, but mostly it seems like such a serene atmosphere for me to really focus on what may be one of the most important and influential years of my life.
Kinda helps that I got the car back...
The future seems so exciting at the moment... Wish me luck!
XOX
I also found out this month that my job is being made permanent which is such a relief, because even though I could find another job, I feel so settled already and I really want to make the most of what I have and I really do honestly like where I work. I think when I am permanent, I can attempt at least to make my job interlink more with my future career progression, by hopefully first aid training and multi-skilling, hopefully in pharmacy. This is something I attempted to do when I worked at Tesco but left before I could complete the training. My current plan anyway is to go over the tools I already have to my disposal from the previous training and at least learning some new things, I'm getting so bored of not taking in new knowledge so I'm going to try this, improve in biochem (my only 2:2 module!) learn Italian, sign language and self teach some more guitar.
On top of all this, we just moved, I moved with Sarah (let's face it, I wasn't going to let her go anywhere!) and we've moved in with Laura who is so amazing an both of whom are so encouraging and I can just tell we're going to have some amazing times together, but mostly it seems like such a serene atmosphere for me to really focus on what may be one of the most important and influential years of my life.
Kinda helps that I got the car back...
The future seems so exciting at the moment... Wish me luck!
XOX
Tuesday 26 June 2012
Sign Language
So the other day at work I had a deaf lady come through my till, she told me early into the transaction, but I found it difficult to decide on a method of communication beyond smiling and waving (when she left), and I've been thinking about the situation ever since. There should be more effective methods set in place for including people with disabilities of any kind so I've decided that this summer I'm going to try and learn some basic sign language, so in a situation like the other day, I can still effectively communicate as I would with a person who had full hearing.
It made me think though, would it not be beneficial to have some kind of program in which everybody, when they're are young to learn some sign language, it seems like such a simple thing that so many people are ignorant to including myself, but could make a dramatic difference in terms of inclusion.
So I've spent the last few hours going over some basic phrases, and now from memory I can recall the alphabet, 1-9, hello, goodbye, sign language, please, thank you, sorry, how are you?, happy, sad, good, tired, hungry, I & know :)
However, I decided that an effective way of learning would be use of an iPad app, and it surprised me how difficult it was to find a free app which gave more than a few useful words but not enough to be able to sustain any kind of conversation, for information that should be universally available
This is certainly going to be a challenge so wish me luck!
XOX
It made me think though, would it not be beneficial to have some kind of program in which everybody, when they're are young to learn some sign language, it seems like such a simple thing that so many people are ignorant to including myself, but could make a dramatic difference in terms of inclusion.
So I've spent the last few hours going over some basic phrases, and now from memory I can recall the alphabet, 1-9, hello, goodbye, sign language, please, thank you, sorry, how are you?, happy, sad, good, tired, hungry, I & know :)
However, I decided that an effective way of learning would be use of an iPad app, and it surprised me how difficult it was to find a free app which gave more than a few useful words but not enough to be able to sustain any kind of conversation, for information that should be universally available
This is certainly going to be a challenge so wish me luck!
XOX
Sunday 10 June 2012
'Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End'
So I've had a hectic few days! not only did I have my induction I started my new job and served customers and it went well I think, I had fairly positive feedback and managed to work through with support from the team around me. I think I'll be okay I'm just hoping that it will become more permanent.
I also finished my fresher's years this Friday and I think we did it well, pub after my (rather easy) pharmacology exam and a few drinks later on.
Then last night brought a kind of last get together of the academic year on the beach, and if you know me, you know how much I love taking photos of Brighton seafront, so I decided to be a kind of opportunistic photographer. (see below)
I'm so optimistic about second year, firstly we're moving to the new house and it's so exciting because that's (hopefully) where we're going to spend the next 2 years of our lives, so I really want to make it like a proper home for us, I think Laura and Sarah probably share my predicament. I'm putting my car back on the road so that'll bring so much more freedom, because I have felt a little stuck in my uni bubble and it's nice to know I won't have to invest 3.5 hours of my time if I want to spend a little bit of time back home, and it's just going to be so exciting to see what opportunities arise next year personally, academically and professionally.
I saw a little boy on the bus today, he was so sweet. He went on with his 'pops' just to ride the bendy bus up to Falmer and back, he was absolutely amazed. He reminded me of Ben. Ben always tells me about the bendy bus, always asks me about it and absolutely loves it in general. Thinking of him and Aaron made me feel pretty sad that I can't spend as much time with them as I used to, and I'm missing out by it. They're changing all the time, every time I see Aaron he's bigger, and Ben since starting school is cramming his head full of knowledge which he'll tell me about. But at least it won't be long until I see them.
I'll be home for a few days next week, and I feel that calls for time to relax!
XOX
Thursday 7 June 2012
It's 4am, and I'm awake...
There's always a slightly surreal feeling from seeing the sun begin to rise before you even have had the chance to sleep yet..
I guess that's what you come to expect when you suffer from insomnia in times of stress, and 2 days before my final exam, I'm feeling it. This is along with my already pretty messed up sleeping pattern, with my typical time of sleep being between 3am and 12pm. I hate not being able to sleep this late, I picked up my guitar this evening and played it for the first time for a long time. My fingers are sore from pressing down on the strings so hard, but it made me happy as well as being a major form of procrastination from revision. I'm so unfazed by this exam that it's bordering on ridiculous. Tbh I'm really looking forward to the end of my first year so I can have a break before actually moving on to more focused things in my second year.
I have a lot coming up this summer, the major events being moving house and starting a new job. Both of which are really exciting prospects but also slightly unnerving, because both whilst providing opportunities also provides stress. Maybe then I'll be a bit more equipped for them than I currently feel.
Of course there is also attempting to fit in a long-distance relationship with all of this, Adam means the world to me and if we're going to work it is so important to make time for each other which is increasingly difficult with me working weekends and him having a 9.5hour a day, 5 days a week job. This is going to be so much easier when the car is back on the road, but I'm so worried about that because I feel like I am so out of practice, however I've never been much good at adjusting to someone else's car, so this might be very different when I go back to driving my own, at least I hope so because I'm being thrown right in at the deep end in being driving 160miles at least down the M4 from Swansea to Reading, which could turn into 250 if I need to come straight back to Brighton.
I'm sure everything will work out but it just seems so unsure right now, I'll put my trust in God and see where we end up in 4 months time
But for now, attempted sleep is necessary
XOX
I guess that's what you come to expect when you suffer from insomnia in times of stress, and 2 days before my final exam, I'm feeling it. This is along with my already pretty messed up sleeping pattern, with my typical time of sleep being between 3am and 12pm. I hate not being able to sleep this late, I picked up my guitar this evening and played it for the first time for a long time. My fingers are sore from pressing down on the strings so hard, but it made me happy as well as being a major form of procrastination from revision. I'm so unfazed by this exam that it's bordering on ridiculous. Tbh I'm really looking forward to the end of my first year so I can have a break before actually moving on to more focused things in my second year.
I have a lot coming up this summer, the major events being moving house and starting a new job. Both of which are really exciting prospects but also slightly unnerving, because both whilst providing opportunities also provides stress. Maybe then I'll be a bit more equipped for them than I currently feel.
Of course there is also attempting to fit in a long-distance relationship with all of this, Adam means the world to me and if we're going to work it is so important to make time for each other which is increasingly difficult with me working weekends and him having a 9.5hour a day, 5 days a week job. This is going to be so much easier when the car is back on the road, but I'm so worried about that because I feel like I am so out of practice, however I've never been much good at adjusting to someone else's car, so this might be very different when I go back to driving my own, at least I hope so because I'm being thrown right in at the deep end in being driving 160miles at least down the M4 from Swansea to Reading, which could turn into 250 if I need to come straight back to Brighton.
I'm sure everything will work out but it just seems so unsure right now, I'll put my trust in God and see where we end up in 4 months time
But for now, attempted sleep is necessary
XOX
Saturday 2 June 2012
Employed!
Guess who got the job!!!!!! I am now officially an Asda colleague (subject to induction)
So as I'm going to be spending half the week in Brighton over summer, new plan:
1. Become absolutely ace at this job
2. Try and get some voluntary work somewhere which works around my employment
3. Improve at Biochemistry as it's been my weak area this year
4. Self teach some more guitar
5. Use the medical case file game on my iPad and learn some new stuff :)
6. Convince my Reading friends that it is SO much better by the seaside and temporarily relocate everyone to Brighton
7. Put the car back on the road to save on train and bus costs
Things are starting to come together now
XOX
So as I'm going to be spending half the week in Brighton over summer, new plan:
1. Become absolutely ace at this job
2. Try and get some voluntary work somewhere which works around my employment
3. Improve at Biochemistry as it's been my weak area this year
4. Self teach some more guitar
5. Use the medical case file game on my iPad and learn some new stuff :)
6. Convince my Reading friends that it is SO much better by the seaside and temporarily relocate everyone to Brighton
7. Put the car back on the road to save on train and bus costs
Things are starting to come together now
XOX
Thursday 31 May 2012
It's Beginning To Get To Me...
So today I'm sleep deprived due to my moth phobia (Mottephobia, It's a real thing, I looked it up!) and very stressed about my exam tomorrow morning that I'm having some interesting symptoms, mainly being that I uncontrollably laughed at this picture for about 5 minutes...
So that doesn't bode well, luckily for me this exam only accounts for 50% of the module mark, the over being coursework which is currently on a first so it won't be the end of the world if the pressure gets to me, but I still want to do well so I'm still trying.
And in news, I have a second interview tomorrow!! this is the furthest I've gotten in 3 years on the job front so I'm remaining optimistic, without trying to pin my hopes on it too much, because even if I don't get the job, this is great interview experience, which I think I really need!
Anyway 9.30 exam in an unfamiliar location, so off to bed I go
XOX
Just Another Night.
Some late night photography inspiration ;)
And yes, they are Christmas lights!
XOX
Wednesday 30 May 2012
Interviews, Exams & 1st Class Marks
Yesterday brought a new experience in way of my first group job interview, and I think it went okay. Seeing the other people in my position brought excitement rather than the usual anxiety that interviews bring. I think I was excited at the prospect of reliving when I worked in a supermarket before, and even completing one of my old tasks, brought about a nostalgia for when I lived at home and everything just seemed to be a little bit easier than it is now. We had some tasks, which were fun, I think finding someone on my course increased the excitement levels! Anyway I hope I get the job, it's a job I love, that I'm experienced at, and that I know I can do well, if only they'd give me the opportunity. I should hear by the weekend so fingers crossed!
I had the exam today that I've been dreading and it went okay :) The content was long and in some ways difficult, but lets just say that the hard work has seemed to pay off, so watch this space!
I got a 97% coursework mark back also, for spectrophotometry so that's so good as it brings some of the pressure off of Fridays exam, meaning I only need 20 something percent to pass and 40 something percent to get the 2:1 I need, this is so positive. So I'm actually reasonably relaxed, something which I didn't anticipate feeling this week!
On a more negative note, I'm fed up of being so homesick, It's not a good sensation and I really wish I could be back in Reading at the moment even if only for a day. I think it's what I need but alas, I can't do that until at least the 9th June, so I just need to persevere
9 days until freedom!
XOX
I had the exam today that I've been dreading and it went okay :) The content was long and in some ways difficult, but lets just say that the hard work has seemed to pay off, so watch this space!
I got a 97% coursework mark back also, for spectrophotometry so that's so good as it brings some of the pressure off of Fridays exam, meaning I only need 20 something percent to pass and 40 something percent to get the 2:1 I need, this is so positive. So I'm actually reasonably relaxed, something which I didn't anticipate feeling this week!
On a more negative note, I'm fed up of being so homesick, It's not a good sensation and I really wish I could be back in Reading at the moment even if only for a day. I think it's what I need but alas, I can't do that until at least the 9th June, so I just need to persevere
9 days until freedom!
XOX
Sunday 27 May 2012
Lights.Camera.Action.
Today was insanely busy! CCK was live on BBC1 this morning, which is a HUGE deal! it's amazing, because it's not often that church, particularly the modern church gets represented on mainstream TV, and I know it caught so many people by surprise by looking at their twitter comments, some negative, but it seems that if it had no effect, they wouldn't shout so loudly about how much they protest it, the main thing is, people were thinking about it, talking about it, debating God.
So the rest of today, I was building my knowledge on Human Physiology by way of flash cards so I'm feeling slightly better but still not amazing, tomorrow's going to be an entire revision day, so time for some cramming before the exam on Wednesday.
The main reason for this post however was because I went to an event tonight called 'Christianity & Science, Incompatible?' and it was so good in that so many of my questions, so I'm going to share the basic points and some of my thoughts:
1. The Bible is the only holy book that follows scientific method, and gives a chronological order compatible with scientific evidence
The Bible is the first published book that has given evidence of a 'Big Bang' being the start of the universe, If it started it must have had a beginning and must have been created. It's also the first book that gives rise to the idea of an ever expanding universe, long before this was discovered to be scientific fact. It speaks of the laws of decay (The second law of thermodynamics) The different people writing the various books of the bible having guessed all the same events which all are supported scientifically as a coincidence has a lower chance than death by reversal of the second law of thermodynamics.
Many scientists have come to the conclusion that there was a beginning to time and space, the bible supports this by saying that God created time and space.
God constantly shapes and remoulds the earth, this is seen by the movement of tectonic plates, also which is described by the bible as how God created land. This according to scientists happened when earth was half the age that it is now, Day 3.
It can be questioned if the world is still developing new species, the fossil record gives infallible evidence of periods of speciation, extinction events and radiation of new species, however there has been no major emergences of speciation since the emergence of hominids, this correlates as 'the sixth day' where god created the humans, there is not account of the end of the seventh day, suggesting that it is still ongoing.
2. 'Days' in biblical Hebrew doesn't necessarily mean a day, it could be any period of time
The bible needs to be taken literally, however the biblical-Hebrew of the original translation could be day, or a longer period of time, if this is a longer period of time then it is plausible that the fossil record gives evidence for being part of a previous day. This is supported by looking at Adam and Eve, when God created Eve, the bible suggests that this is a reasonable period of time as when God creates Eve, not only was Adam lonely, but he said 'At last'
3. There is no contradictions in the Bible
4. The universe is the size it is because it is the perfect size to contain the right elements to be able to sustain life
Anyway it's been pretty eye-opening to be able to see another perspective
I pray now for understanding & clarity
& for this fly to leave my room!
XOX
So the rest of today, I was building my knowledge on Human Physiology by way of flash cards so I'm feeling slightly better but still not amazing, tomorrow's going to be an entire revision day, so time for some cramming before the exam on Wednesday.
The main reason for this post however was because I went to an event tonight called 'Christianity & Science, Incompatible?' and it was so good in that so many of my questions, so I'm going to share the basic points and some of my thoughts:
1. The Bible is the only holy book that follows scientific method, and gives a chronological order compatible with scientific evidence
The Bible is the first published book that has given evidence of a 'Big Bang' being the start of the universe, If it started it must have had a beginning and must have been created. It's also the first book that gives rise to the idea of an ever expanding universe, long before this was discovered to be scientific fact. It speaks of the laws of decay (The second law of thermodynamics) The different people writing the various books of the bible having guessed all the same events which all are supported scientifically as a coincidence has a lower chance than death by reversal of the second law of thermodynamics.
Many scientists have come to the conclusion that there was a beginning to time and space, the bible supports this by saying that God created time and space.
God constantly shapes and remoulds the earth, this is seen by the movement of tectonic plates, also which is described by the bible as how God created land. This according to scientists happened when earth was half the age that it is now, Day 3.
It can be questioned if the world is still developing new species, the fossil record gives infallible evidence of periods of speciation, extinction events and radiation of new species, however there has been no major emergences of speciation since the emergence of hominids, this correlates as 'the sixth day' where god created the humans, there is not account of the end of the seventh day, suggesting that it is still ongoing.
2. 'Days' in biblical Hebrew doesn't necessarily mean a day, it could be any period of time
The bible needs to be taken literally, however the biblical-Hebrew of the original translation could be day, or a longer period of time, if this is a longer period of time then it is plausible that the fossil record gives evidence for being part of a previous day. This is supported by looking at Adam and Eve, when God created Eve, the bible suggests that this is a reasonable period of time as when God creates Eve, not only was Adam lonely, but he said 'At last'
3. There is no contradictions in the Bible
4. The universe is the size it is because it is the perfect size to contain the right elements to be able to sustain life
Anyway it's been pretty eye-opening to be able to see another perspective
I pray now for understanding & clarity
& for this fly to leave my room!
XOX
Saturday 26 May 2012
Productive Panic
Okay so my exam on Wednesday is worrying me ridiculously, I know no where near enough to get a decent grade and it's ironic how I spent so much time on a subject which turns out didn't require as much attention as the big one coming up on Wednesday. As confident as I am that I can pass, I fear that that is all and that terrifies me. However fear can be productive, so when I was too stressed to do some real work I did this:
This is how to be productive in times of panic, from memory I can extract everything that I need to know, but the challenge comes from the size of the topic and learning the smaller details that will get me from scraping a pass to actually getting a respectable grade, It's too late now for any real concentration, but I think that tomorrow the flashcards need to be deployed. We're live on TV at church tomorrow as well, so I'm compromising my normal lay in and will actually be ready to work before midday which is encouraging and it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this, as we're all feeling the strain
So 4 days, 1 job interview and 1 exam later, let's hope the prognosis is looking up!
XOX
So 4 days, 1 job interview and 1 exam later, let's hope the prognosis is looking up!
XOX
Exams, Birthdays and Revision Notes
So last night was Phoebes birthday, so in Aberdeen Road fashion, we had a house party, I got the tree lights out and made some balloon flowers (due to a lack of being able to find normal balloons combined with a lack of a car to get to a supermarket) And in all honesty it looked pretty good
Even though it's exam time, I think a break is what I needed! and last night was just so chilled after the shambles that was my evolution exam yesterday. They declined to tell us until we were in the exam hall that they'd only mark the first 2 sides of A4, I'm not sure what the purpose in this was but it made it just seem like a huge waste of time learning enough content to write a 2000 word essay when we had to limit the content so much.
But, I came home last night to find out that I got 100% in my statistics practical exam from last week, so I've already passed the module without even doing the main exam, so I only need to get 42% to get a first in that module as well, which eases the pressure so I can focus more on Human Physiology and Practical Skills which look like they will be more difficult so that's positive!
Anyway I think I need to stop procrastinating and actually get on with some work
XOX
Friday 25 May 2012
Tick Tock.
Today I had my first presentation at uni and I found the experience to be both intriguing and frustrating simultaneously. Firstly, it can be so humiliating standing up there, when your public speaking skill suck as much as mine do, like wanting to be able to put your point across, I have a very slight speech impediment which in ordinary situations I'm okay, but that mixed with nerves basically caused a stutter which really sucked. It's a little bit worrying, not that I'm worried I won't pass the module (I need 10% in the presentation) but just that this method on basically being assessed on confidence and how loud you can shout, being weighted the same as countless hours of revision for an exam. I found myself so ridiculously stressed about it and not actually worrying about the content which seems like unnecessary pressure in exam season. Still I know that I should respect authority, and I hope that now I've done this I'll be better next time. It just seems like a recurrent cycle of nerves fuelling my lisp which worrying about fuels further anxiety.
On a better note, I have my first exam tomorrow, and not only is it the one I want so desperately to get out of the way because its 100%, but finally I'm actually feeling okay about it
Now, it's almost 2AM and I'm still wide awake, I can hear my clock ticking and I know that I need to drift off, but it's not happening, so looks like I'm consuming an unholy amount of Red Bull tomorrow to carry me through
11 hours to go.
XOX
On a better note, I have my first exam tomorrow, and not only is it the one I want so desperately to get out of the way because its 100%, but finally I'm actually feeling okay about it
Now, it's almost 2AM and I'm still wide awake, I can hear my clock ticking and I know that I need to drift off, but it's not happening, so looks like I'm consuming an unholy amount of Red Bull tomorrow to carry me through
11 hours to go.
XOX
Thursday 24 May 2012
Why Does God Allow Suffering?
So I went to an event tonight named as above, and actually I surprised myself by getting pretty upset. It went over basically things I've had to learn all by myself over the past 5 years but I wanted to share my comments on the subject.
1. Firstly we don't know why people suffer in most instances, but if we knew, would you feel better about it? Probably not, it'd still be painful, just as before, what you want is a cure
2. God is with us every step of the way, the quote that immediately came to mind was 'when you cry, God cries too.' This reminded me of the peace we felt at that bedside 5 years ago, and although that was the worst moment from my 20 years, we weren't alone in this, and neither was she, her face fell into a natural smile, and I can't describe the feeling, but through the whole thing it was like we were being held
3. One day, death pain and suffering will be a memory, much like the flashbacks and the nightmares...
4. God is constantly training us for things, and he constantly challenges us to build us in relationship with him and to make us more like Jesus, he does this in ways that sometimes, heck often we don't understand right away, or even at all.
Most of all I'm grateful that we had 16 years, not the 3 the doctors anticipated.
So as hard as this is to understand, and even as hard as this is to write, this is why I need to keep hoping.
Even if this goal seems to some illogical and non-existent
I will keep believing
XOX
1. Firstly we don't know why people suffer in most instances, but if we knew, would you feel better about it? Probably not, it'd still be painful, just as before, what you want is a cure
2. God is with us every step of the way, the quote that immediately came to mind was 'when you cry, God cries too.' This reminded me of the peace we felt at that bedside 5 years ago, and although that was the worst moment from my 20 years, we weren't alone in this, and neither was she, her face fell into a natural smile, and I can't describe the feeling, but through the whole thing it was like we were being held
3. One day, death pain and suffering will be a memory, much like the flashbacks and the nightmares...
4. God is constantly training us for things, and he constantly challenges us to build us in relationship with him and to make us more like Jesus, he does this in ways that sometimes, heck often we don't understand right away, or even at all.
Most of all I'm grateful that we had 16 years, not the 3 the doctors anticipated.
So as hard as this is to understand, and even as hard as this is to write, this is why I need to keep hoping.
Even if this goal seems to some illogical and non-existent
I will keep believing
XOX
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Heatwave Day 3!
Guess where I revised today!
Such a chilled out way of revising, so after a couple of hours of evolution revision we went into the sea, climbed onto some rocks and jumped in it was amazing, so me and Tommy swam (yes swam, in Britain!) out for ages. It made me reflect. Working today I think I absorbed more in 2 hours of revising and just relaxing and doing some exercise than I would with 5 hours of frantic staring at notes and nothing sinking in. So I feel pretty relaxed today, and more importantly I feel like I actually know what I'm talking about, so 48 hours time doesn't seem so scary anymore! Tomorrows going to be pretty full on so I think it's good not to be worrying too much and fingers crossed for the exam on Friday, but I think I'll be okay :)
Until next time,
XOX
Until next time,
XOX
Tuesday 22 May 2012
'It's Always Sunny in Brighton'
So today I went to the park to revise evolution, the sun was on my back (gave me heat rash :/) and I've been ridiculously chilled today which makes me so happy. My poor arms which never usually gets sun, got burnt but all in all today's been a good day. I love Brighton in summertime, it can't help but make you smile and there's so much happening, performers, men in capes and people sunbathing EVERYWHERE! So today staying inside to revise was not an option. But as much as I enjoyed it, I do kind of wish we'd been on the beach, going in the sea right now would be so amazing. Despite the heat however (which was mildly uncomfortable) I'm actually feeling so much better about my exam on Friday.
Also good news on the job front, I have an interview next week! I'm not getting excited because I've been through this before, still it's one step closer than I've gotten for a while which is really positive!
So the sun brought a good day, and an opportunity to drag out the camera!
Here's hoping for an amazing week =D
XOX
This is how you revise!
Monday 21 May 2012
Revise.Eat.Revise.Uni.Revise.Don'tSleep. Revise.Stress.Revise.
Since starting my AS levels, I've found exams ridiculously taxing because exams lead to results which can lead to disappointment with can lead to stress and decisions and alternative plans. This is what terrifies me, so many people say 'it's only first year, it doesn't count' but there's something these people don't realise is if you only aim for 40%, chances are you're going to get under that then have to resit. I personally want to forget entirely about these exams when they're done, until I get given my results and then not have to stress over the same exam again. I know as well I always have a back-up plan in case I don't get to where I need to go, but that is the result of re-evaluations that I made in sixth-form, all of which require me to complete this degree. If I don't pass these exams, then I can't progress to second year, which would just be catastrophic. This is unlikely based on my current grades but still, it's stressful. So stressful that I've turned into this horribly emotional person who goes from extreme excitement to snapping at the slightest thing. So new plan. Be cool and relaxed, stick to a plan because even a little bit of organisation can calm me down. The new plan is chick flicks and revision. I bought a deli- counter chicken tikka masala too so my night is already looking better!
Current Prognosis
Here's hoping I sleep better tonight!
XOX
(Already, 2 1st class, 2 2:1, 1 2:2)
Basic Pharmacology, 40% completed, 70%
Evolutionary Biology (Pending)
Genetics, 50% completed, 70%
Human Physiology (pending)
Introduction to Statistics, 25% completed, 96%
Practical Skills in Bioscience, 20% completed, 64%,74%
I Heart Brighton!
I think it was right that I 'sidetracked' here, Brighton is such a beautiful, amazing city that I'm so glad that I'm a part of!
I took this photo in March, on Grand Junction Road. No matter what stereotype Brighton has, all can agree that this looks epic. Brighton I've found to be such an accepting city, of people of ideas of everything, so unlike other cities in the UK. It's so buzzing and vibrant, whilst still retaining the charm of an old Victorian seaside resort with its pebble beach and iconic pier. The photographer in me would go on and on about how I love how visually interesting Brighton is, from the interesting views to the colourful people and one of the only places that's not Reading that I may one day even refer to as home. I'd never even been to Brighton before my university open day and I just absolutely fell in love! The uni isn't the best one I applied for, or even the best one I got into, but I'm so glad I'm here. Its been so easy to settle into life, settle in academically, find some amazing friends and find an amazing church. The whole situation has been engineered by God to take me to this place which is so well.. me, and He pretty much made sure I wasn't going ANYWHERE when it came to him, and that's also why he gave me Sarah. God's given me a passion for this city and I just have the desire to immerse myself in it for the service of others. He's blessed me with a serving heart, and I think this is where He needs to use me right now. God's doing great work in this city, despite how many issues and how much diversity in opinion exists,
I can feel it...
XOX
I took this photo in March, on Grand Junction Road. No matter what stereotype Brighton has, all can agree that this looks epic. Brighton I've found to be such an accepting city, of people of ideas of everything, so unlike other cities in the UK. It's so buzzing and vibrant, whilst still retaining the charm of an old Victorian seaside resort with its pebble beach and iconic pier. The photographer in me would go on and on about how I love how visually interesting Brighton is, from the interesting views to the colourful people and one of the only places that's not Reading that I may one day even refer to as home. I'd never even been to Brighton before my university open day and I just absolutely fell in love! The uni isn't the best one I applied for, or even the best one I got into, but I'm so glad I'm here. Its been so easy to settle into life, settle in academically, find some amazing friends and find an amazing church. The whole situation has been engineered by God to take me to this place which is so well.. me, and He pretty much made sure I wasn't going ANYWHERE when it came to him, and that's also why he gave me Sarah. God's given me a passion for this city and I just have the desire to immerse myself in it for the service of others. He's blessed me with a serving heart, and I think this is where He needs to use me right now. God's doing great work in this city, despite how many issues and how much diversity in opinion exists,
I can feel it...
XOX
Hello Insomnia!
So due to exam period coming up, my brain has decided to bring me a little present, stress- induced insomnia!(I mentioned my little freak-out earlier in my other blog). This is an incredibly annoying trait I have, and has kept me up for 36 straight hours of trying to drift off on previous occasions.So being the geek I am, instead of trying to solve my insomnia by a combination of aids to help me try and sleep, like herbal aids (In the absence of medical sedatives), Temperature, removing all stimuli, visual and audio, (nothing worse than staring at a dark ceiling in a silent house) I research what chemical processes in my brain must be occurring to make me feel this way. I did Psychology at A-Level and it was my favourite subject, encouraged by the fact that my sixth form college taught it as a science rather than an art which made it just clinical enough for my liking. Anyway, we did a topic on sleep in our second year, which I found so interesting, particularly (ironically enough) disorders of sleep. This led me to be the only one in my year to pick it as my topic for the end of year exam (as well as providing me with the opportunity to maintain my solid B-grade)
Anyway, I found the answer to why I'm feeling like this in Neuropsychopharmacology, that explains stress induced insomnia being caused by increased stress levels leading to an increase in corticotropin- releasing hormone which interacts with the central nervous system affecting the normal circadian rhythm (initiating physiological waking rhythms) and inhibiting sleep. So yeah, that's what's wrong with me tonight. Still... won't help me get any sleep.
Anyway tomorrow should be another day, unfortunately for me, I think it's all going to flow into one because I don't feel like I'm going to go any time soon.
I think I may just become nocturnal, It can't disrupt my circadian rhythm much more!
I'll blog soon, probably tonight if I remain this bored and this awake!
XOX
Anyway, I found the answer to why I'm feeling like this in Neuropsychopharmacology, that explains stress induced insomnia being caused by increased stress levels leading to an increase in corticotropin- releasing hormone which interacts with the central nervous system affecting the normal circadian rhythm (initiating physiological waking rhythms) and inhibiting sleep. So yeah, that's what's wrong with me tonight. Still... won't help me get any sleep.
Anyway tomorrow should be another day, unfortunately for me, I think it's all going to flow into one because I don't feel like I'm going to go any time soon.
I think I may just become nocturnal, It can't disrupt my circadian rhythm much more!
I'll blog soon, probably tonight if I remain this bored and this awake!
XOX
A Plan! (I think)
Right so the summer break is drawing so close, and soon I'm going back home to Reading for 4 months so I think I need a summer plan to be able to organise myself and maximise my chances of getting into medical school. They are:
1. Go back and ask my old boss if he could give me some shifts over summer
2. Visit the family GP to try and arrange some work experience of sorts in order to actually get some direct experience along with general volunteering with various groups of people
3. Continue applying for jobs in Brighton, but online, to try and lines something up before the new term and moving into the new house
4. Try and get a week of direct shadowing in RSUH as this would be absolutely incredible to actually do some related work to my chosen profession
This will be difficult due to how introverted I can be, but part of being a doctor is the ability to work with people and interact, so I'm going to have to get over this aversion ASAP.
Wish me luck!
XOX
1. Go back and ask my old boss if he could give me some shifts over summer
2. Visit the family GP to try and arrange some work experience of sorts in order to actually get some direct experience along with general volunteering with various groups of people
3. Continue applying for jobs in Brighton, but online, to try and lines something up before the new term and moving into the new house
4. Try and get a week of direct shadowing in RSUH as this would be absolutely incredible to actually do some related work to my chosen profession
This will be difficult due to how introverted I can be, but part of being a doctor is the ability to work with people and interact, so I'm going to have to get over this aversion ASAP.
Wish me luck!
XOX
Another Day, Another Job Rejection
When I was growing up, the whole notion if getting a job seemed so simple, you go to school and then one day you grow up and you choose a job which you do until you retire. It's just not that easy, It's so difficult applying for jobs that you know you can do if only someone somewhere would give you the opportunity. It makes me start to think, all of these people who achieve more than me, who get farther than me, they must have aspects which make them far more employable, even in this big city. I worked at Tesco for two years and finding that job took a year, and I told myself that it would never be as hard as this again, which if you think about it seems really naive. It's always going to be difficult, and the key is in perseverance even in spite of so much discouragement, but I think today I've realised, this is a big thing for me but it's so small in comparison to what God can do. Nothing is impossible for him and I have to trust him in that he will find me a place in time which will justify all of the waiting all of the disappointment. I've had so many rejections in which I've thought the position was ideal for me, and then realised later on that I would have struggled with either missing church, rushing away from uni or having such late finishing times that it would have meant being sleep deprived in my 9am lectures. This will happen for me in time, but for now I pray and I trust and I wait.
I think 'nothing is too big for God' has been the theme for my day. My boyfriend Adam came to visit this weekend, which was great. He came down because he wanted to visit the London to Brighton mini run which he's wanted to do since he got into mini's when he was like 17/18 and I think we used it as a bit of an excuse, because it's become so difficult to move from a relationship where we saw each other so much to a relationship where he's over 100 miles away back home and I'm here. Anyway we had an absolutely amazing weekend but it gave little time for revision which has dominated almost every waking moment for the last few weeks so when he left this afternoon, I panicked. I decided to revise some of my evolution and I just thought through the whole thing and thought I didn't know any of this! I have 5 days to learn an entire module. Sarah, my house mate came home from work and I was a right state, I didn't want to go to church I wanted to sit and crank out a couple of thousand words of revision notes and crashed around midnight before waking up to drag myself to my lecture, but as usual God intervened. The internet completely crashed making me incapable of doing revision, this along with Sarah telling me that what I really needed was prayer I think was the kick I needed! Back to point, I think church was the only thing that was going to calm me down tonight, and I could just feel God telling me to calm down and although this is hugeeeee for me, nothing is too big for him, and I think I realise that now. A quote I once heard was 'We have a lot to do today, so I'm going to have to pray for 3 hours instead of the usual 2' (or something like that) and I think if I have this kind of philosophy then I'm going to have a much better chance of aceing these exams and making it into my second year. I would also just love to have that much dedication, definitely a prayer point! I need to trust in God, because when you trust in God, stuff happens.
Challenge Accepted!
XOX
I think 'nothing is too big for God' has been the theme for my day. My boyfriend Adam came to visit this weekend, which was great. He came down because he wanted to visit the London to Brighton mini run which he's wanted to do since he got into mini's when he was like 17/18 and I think we used it as a bit of an excuse, because it's become so difficult to move from a relationship where we saw each other so much to a relationship where he's over 100 miles away back home and I'm here. Anyway we had an absolutely amazing weekend but it gave little time for revision which has dominated almost every waking moment for the last few weeks so when he left this afternoon, I panicked. I decided to revise some of my evolution and I just thought through the whole thing and thought I didn't know any of this! I have 5 days to learn an entire module. Sarah, my house mate came home from work and I was a right state, I didn't want to go to church I wanted to sit and crank out a couple of thousand words of revision notes and crashed around midnight before waking up to drag myself to my lecture, but as usual God intervened. The internet completely crashed making me incapable of doing revision, this along with Sarah telling me that what I really needed was prayer I think was the kick I needed! Back to point, I think church was the only thing that was going to calm me down tonight, and I could just feel God telling me to calm down and although this is hugeeeee for me, nothing is too big for him, and I think I realise that now. A quote I once heard was 'We have a lot to do today, so I'm going to have to pray for 3 hours instead of the usual 2' (or something like that) and I think if I have this kind of philosophy then I'm going to have a much better chance of aceing these exams and making it into my second year. I would also just love to have that much dedication, definitely a prayer point! I need to trust in God, because when you trust in God, stuff happens.
Challenge Accepted!
XOX
Friday 18 May 2012
An Introduction
I think the best possible thing I can do here is introduce this blog. At the moment I study at Brighton University. I've wanted to be a doctor since I was 14 years old. So this ambition isn't a passing one, it's a real ambition. An ambition to which I'm not going into closed minded. And it isn't an ambition I've based on watching far too many reruns of scrubs!
When I was 14, I watched someone I loved very much pass away in front of me. I'm aware of the limitations of medicine but this was so hard to watch and only being 14, heck it would be the same being any age, I found the experience so hard to fathom, but it also stirred something in me. It stirred an ambition to not only do the best that I possibly could to either prevent this happening for other people, or make it as easy as I could for other people who went through what I did and more importantly, what she did. This kind of experience forces a maturity that is thrust upon you, and in a way it feels like when someone throws a bucket of ice over you, it's cold and sobering.
This is combined with my attribute of being a bit of a science geek, and my determination in not giving up when I realised I couldn't get into medicine when I was 18 is exactly why I think I could do this, heck I know I can do this!
I have a huge series of events that I need to complete before doing this from finding more continuous voluntary work to the actual event of applying in just over a year,
I'll keep you posted!
XOX
When I was 14, I watched someone I loved very much pass away in front of me. I'm aware of the limitations of medicine but this was so hard to watch and only being 14, heck it would be the same being any age, I found the experience so hard to fathom, but it also stirred something in me. It stirred an ambition to not only do the best that I possibly could to either prevent this happening for other people, or make it as easy as I could for other people who went through what I did and more importantly, what she did. This kind of experience forces a maturity that is thrust upon you, and in a way it feels like when someone throws a bucket of ice over you, it's cold and sobering.
This is combined with my attribute of being a bit of a science geek, and my determination in not giving up when I realised I couldn't get into medicine when I was 18 is exactly why I think I could do this, heck I know I can do this!
I have a huge series of events that I need to complete before doing this from finding more continuous voluntary work to the actual event of applying in just over a year,
I'll keep you posted!
XOX
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