New Year and New Beginnings - Reflections on a Not-so Terrible Year

I'm procrastinating from my cell pathology coursework by writing a blog, but seriously I wanted to round off this year. I've gone through the last couple of months thinking this is one of the worst years I've had so far, so in that instance, I'm going to be really glad to see the back of it. But whilst I'm being reflective, this year has bought so much and I've learnt so much from it. Firstly this year has bought the most changes since the year I left home and moved to Brighton, and although I've been so focused on the bad, this year has also given me some absolutely amazing experiences. The major one of these is travelling to the other side of the world entirely alone. I went to Thailand, a truly beautiful country, and definitely one of my favourite places, and working in a hospital, we'll I couldn't have done anything better. I saw surgery, travelled around, learnt about another culture. If it could change anything about the experience the only. Thing I could think of is that I would go for longer. I also went to Spain, and instead of just sun soaking, I got to interact with locals (in Spanish of course!) learn about the local area, and see it as more than just a place with a beach and heat, and actually appreciate how great Spanish culture is. 

This year is also the year that I really got to know myself and what I wanted out of life. Travelling bought ith it a lot of self discovery and widening by understanding of what I could do, as well as giving me a more realistic perspective of what I've got imprinted into me what I already wanted to do. But most of this actually came from realising what I don't want as well. I'm not content with just coasting through life and doing exactly what's expected of me, I want something extraordinary. I started this year volunteering in a project for homeless people, and this in itself was absolutely amazing. I then built on this with more volunteering experiences, working in a family centre and as a first aider for one of the most influential organisations in the world. With this I get to work with different people, experience scenarios that I couldn't have imagined, and spend my Saturday nights doing something other than vegetating in front of the television. I wouldn't have it any othe way. Anything I write down couldn't accurately describe the value of volunteering, therefore if you don't do it already, I'd encourage you to try! I ran 10 miles for charity back in October too, which was absolutely fantastic. If you know me, you'd know I'm not the most active person, therefore this was a massive achievement for me just to finish it, as well as raising over my target for the British Heart Foundation, an absolutely amazing charity. 

This year is the first year I've properly felt like an adult, my decisions (on the most part) have been much more responsible. I've also learnt that sometimes it's okay, and completely necessary to put myself first. I've also learnt it's important to take what you want out of life, there's absolutely no value in sitting on the sidelines, and I haven't regretted any of the decisions I made, to do something maybe slightly insane! (Particular reference to bungee jumping in Thailand!) I've gained so many amazing memories, things that I'll always treasure. 

In terms of new experiences, I applied for medicine this year. This is something I've been planning (and dreading!) for a long time, and I'm really excited I'm actually doing it, even if I don't get in, I'm going to learn so much from this experience, and in that scenario, I'll be bringing in next year in the same situation, hopefully whilst also studying for a masters degree, living in some city somewhere, of which I don't even know where it is yet.

This year has also been great in terms of friendships, not only have I met some amazing people and made some amazing new friends, I've also been able to deepen my friendships with some of the people I was already friends with. I've really learnt this year to appreciate the people around me and I feel really content in this aspect of my life, because I know whatever happens, they have my back. I'm really lucky to have all of them. 

So what does 2014 bring?

I'm starting 2014 in a great position, I live in what is the most beautiful city in the country, studying for a degree in a subject I'm passionate about. I'm starting this year single, for the first time really since 2007, but I'm surrounded by absolutely amazing people, so I'm not at all feeling lonely. I have a job, which allows me to talk to people and get money for it, and I'm still volunteering, meaning I get to continue building on these amazing experiences. This year I'll find out if I get into medicine, and graduate as a biomedical scientist. This year I'm going to move to a new city and gain new experiences, meet so many new people. I want to travel more this year, with going to Dublin at Easter, going away this summer seems a likely possibilty too. I'd like to finally get to Germany this year, visit the Christmas markets in Berlin (drink lots of jäger :D). I want to visit Iceland, see the northern lights, I wouldn't mind visiting Asia again either. I also want to sit on a beach somewhere abroad (pebbles in Brighton are great, but not quite the same thing!). I know that I probably won't do all of this, but I like the ability to dream about it. I'll also be doing the nuts challenge in March, an army style assault course, so will be training for this! 

Last year I made a list of resolutions to keep to, I'm not going to do the same this year because in reality I just have one:

This year I'm going to be happy.

(And maybe get fitter, take more photos and better control of my finances etc. :D)

I hope you all have a fantastic 2014, and bring 2013 out with a (metaphorical) bang!

XOX

Getting Back to Basics for a Slightly Unusual Christmas

Anyone who's seen me in the last few weeks will know exactly how much I've been dreading Christmas this year. I didn't decorate the house, give out cards, I bought all of my gifts horrendously last minute, I didn't feel at all festive and all that Christmas songs managed to achieve was making me cry, which isn't the greatest reaction when they're played on loop from a speaker above your head at work. This year is the first Christmas in 5 years that I've been single, and with the two before that being so upsetting (I barely even remember 2006), this one was different to any I've ever experienced. 

Firstly what I realised is that over the last 5 years, whilst focusing all of my energy into a relationship, I missed out on all of the things that my family do, that have always made Christmas so great. My mum was really excited, definitely more so than me, and she woke me up at 8.30. Then we opened presents. We always wait and open them all together, each doing a present at a time. My mums partners sister always gets someone something that's so obscure we can't work out what it is, without fail every year, which adds to the entertainment. There's also always the relative who makes a present almost unopenable by use of copious amounts of Sellotape. Then the cooking starts, and of course the drinking (something I couldn't partake in this year due to driving!). Paul always tries to cook something obscure with varying degrees of success, and this year didn't disappoint with a sausagemeat and stuffing concoction wrapped in bacon which was actually pretty good. We usually have some relatives stop by. It's so nice to see people who you don't see regularly and just catch up on their lives, how things are going. It makes the family feel closer, something that my family in particular is bad at. Mid morning we usually collect my grandmother, she's in her eighties now and in a nursing home, she also has an almost child-like persona, of which an element of which is that she gets really excited about Christmas. Every year without fail she'll come through the door and proclaim she's home, which is lovely. Then, with the mandatory cup if tea in hand, she'll demand her presents, and it's so nice to see how excited she gets. Then we all have dinner together, eat turkey and pull crackers. My nan always insists on watching the queen at 3, and I think this was the first year that she actually managed to stay awake for it. Then we take her back, and she'll join the others, who have returned or didn't get to spend Christmas with their families this year, and we head home and spend a chilled evening watching Christmas TV. 

This year I didn't spend my Christmas afternoon with a boyfriend, but I have so many other memories that I will cherish. Watching toy story with my parents, making me incredibly nostalgic for my childhood, sitting in front if the wood-burning fire, holding my 81 year old grandmothers hand whilst she tells me she loves me, joking about needing L plates whilst crashing a wheelchair, attempting to get said wheelchair into a small hatchback, with little success, laughing in the kitchen about cooking techniques and my hidden chocolate. This year also bought something new, not wanting to spend Christmas dwelling over the past, I drove to Wales, spending two and a half hours alone in the car, just so I could spend a few hours with two of the most special little men in my life. They caught me when I pulled up and ran to the car, immediately begin searching for presents, and help me into the house. We opened presents together, and they began fighting the cuddly smurfs I got them. I got to read them a story, of which I laughed far too much at for a children's book! And put them to bed. However this ended abruptly. Christmas 2013 will now always be the year that Ben fell out of his bunk bed and broke his wrist. But what is Christmas without a little bit of drama? 

This year I'm feeling incredibly thankful for what I have, and not dwelling over what I don't have anymore. If I'd known this beforehand, I would have probably been excited!

Happy Christmas! 

XOX

Interview Day: Highlights

Today wasn’t quite a normal Wednesday, I got up and put on a suit to start, which is completely unusual, I've never worn a suit before and although this one came with a pencil skirt it still counts! The day started well – I realised I couldn’t walk in the shoes that I’d bought for my interview, and had to stagger down Elm Grove in my teeny-tiny heels, wishing with each step that I was wearing my vans, even to the extent where I was staring at someone’s feet for a while with complete shoe envy until I realised what I was doing. I got really strange stares walking through Brighton in a suit at 10am, particularly through a muddy park (really didn’t think this through!) and I had (still have) my trademark fringe scraped back in order to look a little more professional, and although it’s nice to not have to scrape my hair out of my eyes at every given opportunity, I feel self –conscious. I got to London at around 11.30am. This was over 2 hours before my interview therefore, resisting the urge to pay a visit to the science museum, I went to Starbucks to do some last minute research. All of which was pretty useless. I was so nervous, I actually forgot to remove my coat. Literally, I just took my scarf off then stopped. I think I sat correctly, I remember giving it thought when I sat down. My interview lasted 25 minutes, 5 minutes over the allocated time, so I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not and it was in front of a panel of four. Now the most useful preparation I did for the interview was preparing my technique, the questions asked were pretty okay, nowhere near as bad as some of the ones I prepared for. I held my wrist, as on the advice of the careers advisor, to slow my pulse rate and calm my nerves. Whilst saying the questions were okay, I unravelled a little on the ethics question. Of course coming out of the interview, my brain’s kicked in and I now know exactly what I should have said, but obviously I can’t do anything about it now. I think I’ve had this at every single job interview, so I really shouldn’t expect this one to be any different in that aspect. I spoke fast as well, I couldn’t help it, not super-speed, but I was aware of it. At least I managed to keep it flowing, I didn’t stop after every few words, which I was also extremely conscious of.

All in all the experience wasn’t amazing, I’m not coming out of it thinking I definitely have the place, but it also wasn’t bad, & I don’t think I screwed it up by any means. It was also nowhere near as bad as I was expecting from a medical school interview, which is positive.  The only major thing that has come out of this experience so far is the confirmation that I really, really want this.

So what am I doing right now? I’m sat on a bench in Hyde Park, typing away, because they bought up my blog in the interview, and I didn’t want to neglect it on a day as momentous as today. Plus I’ve never actually been to Hyde Park before, I completely forgot about winter wonderland being here, but aside from that being absolutely massive, there’s still a large amount of open parkland here too, it’s beautiful. I really love London. I can picture myself here, I can picture myself being so happy here.

So I need to head back to Brighton and finish off my literature review for my project, it’s just nice to have the opportunity to remember exactly what I’m working so hard for.

I’ll keep you updated, no matter what the outcome is,

XOX

Post-application: the view from the other side

As you'll know if you've been reading my blog, or have applied to/ know someone who has applied to medicine yourself, almost a month has passed since the application deadline. Now being me, I typically left this until the day of the deadline, to give myself enough time to master that personal statement, which in all honesty was one of the most challenging parts of my entire application. I found it so difficult to fit in everything I'd done into 4000 characters, and I failed at this in that I had to sacrifice writing about some of my less relevant experiences in favour of the more clinically related ones. 

Anyway what have I been doing since then? Well I've started to progress on my final year project, experimenting and writing some of the all important literature review. As much as I love my university, access to some of the papers I've wanted has been somewhat challenging to say the least! I'm producing a drug-eluting stent, for use in coronary arteries in patients presenting with atherosclerosis. This is an exciting area of research, and due to my love for all things cardiovascular, I'm actually really looking forward to progressing it. With it also being something that hasn't been done before at the university, it'll be great to see how far we can get. I've been progressing through third year. There's a lot more work this year, and it's involving significantly more library time, but I feel relatively on top of everything, which is nice! Hopefully this will minimise the whole 'going crazy at exam time' thing.

I'm also continuing volunteering, which has been enjoyable. In my role at the family centre, I'm gaining more responsibility, which is really helping to develop my confidence, so I feel pretty great in that aspect also. Getting back into the society at uni is really making me feel like I have more of a purpose for this year, and I intend to make the most out of my final year here. 

In terms of my application, I've not been quite as cool as I would have hoped. Its because of the amount I want it, but as not to set myself up for disappointment, I emotionally readied myself for 4 straight rejections without interview, this hasn't stopped me panicking slightly every time I get an email on a weekday (I get the notifications on my phone as well, it's been pretty rough!) in case it's a reply from a university, or an update from track. And this had been entirely unnecessary, until today when I actually got my first reply. 

A month of waiting, feeling apprehensive and hoping, the first university that got back to me offered me an interview. 

Now this is amazing! It's such an honour to even be shortlisted down from so many people, and it makes medical school feel more like a reality. It means that a medical school has liked my application enough to consider me for a place. I know that this could lead to nothing, but even to get this far is motivation enough to really put my all in, not only my preparations for this interview, but also in terms of my course. 

Wish me luck!

XOX

Personal Statement Woes

I struggle sometimes with being concise and saying the right thing, so for writing my personal statement I've written myself some questions, some of which I'm going to share:

'Why do I want to be a doctor?

I know it’s always been cliché to say, but I want to be a doctor to help people. I want to make people better, and when this isn’t possible I want to make a difference. Improve a person’s comfort on their last days and provide support by the other people affected by this, for the family, for the friends. I love science, I’ve always loved science, and it’s why I did 4 at A-Level. It’s not just that I really want to have a scientific career, it’s that I couldn’t imagine not having one. So why not research? I love working with people. I volunteer not to make it look good on my medical school application (although it helps), but to see the difference that my actions can make to the lives of others, in a positive way. I like working with people different to myself. People always have different things to offer, and you can learn something from each of them, whether that be an academic with years of studying behind them, of the man you dismissed on your way home when he asked you for change. Every one of them has something to offer. Medicine is one of the only careers you can have where you can engage with such a wide range of people, all with different backgrounds, all with different stories. This is what is so great about the NHS, despite all of its problems, it is inclusive. Everyone has access to free healthcare that they need, something that isn’t present in other countries. Take Thailand for example, where I spent this summer. There people get what they can afford, not just in terms of the quality of treatment, but in whether they can access treatment at all. We are so privileged to live in a country where we can have this amazing creation, despite its well documented problems, that each of us is guilty of taking for granted. I’m passionate about being part of this.

What are the challenges concerned with medical school?

One of the major challenges concerned with medical school is that is a degree, and a degree means you have to work so hard to do well at it. I’ve had experience doing this with my Biomedical Science degree. It isn’t all about being a student and dossing about and being drunk. If you want to do well at a degree you need to put in the effort. However university is also meant to be an amazing experience and if you focus only on the academic side of it, you’re kind of missing the point. Getting actively involved in university is a great way to enhance your experience.  I love being part of a society, mixing the ability to be social with working towards a goal. Being on the first aid society is so rewarding, not only for the experience that come from the volunteering that runs alongside it, but seeing the how far everybody comes in such a short space of time. Its small milestones like this that really enriches your experience. Balancing is so important if you want to finish university successfully. Doing a degree doesn’t mean you have to abandon all interests for 3+ years (even though it may feel like that!) but rather it should be a time in which you be developing them. Take me as an example, I love photography, I love the ability to capture a fleeting moment and commit it to something more permanent. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country, why would I pass up that opportunity? It helps you to not get stressed. When I feel like my brain is saturated, I play a classical piece on the piano. Completely different, yet it feels like such a palette cleanser, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What have I done to prepare for the challenges of being a doctor?

I work as a first aider for 2 separate companies. This way I can get patient contact, which isn’t just “oh you’ve treated me, thank you very much, I’ll be leaving”, It’s challenging. Sometimes you can’t help the patient. Often patients are distressed, angry or drunk, sometimes downright aggressive. This isn’t a problem, in many ways it’s understandable. If you don’t understand what’s happening, being a patient can be downright scary. The difference is in how you handle these situations. You can have such a massive impact by acting tactfully. You cannot treat every patient the same and deliver a good standard of care. Every patient has the right to equal treatment, but every patient also needs to be treated tactfully based on their individual situation. This makes the difference in how satisfied your patient is with their treatment.

I’ve worked in a family centre, learning a little on NHS protocol. I’ve also worked in the community, in which I’ve definitely improved in confidence, something that will help me exponentially, should I become a doctor."

24 hours to the deadline!

XOX

Leaving Thailand and Coming Home to New Challenges

A few weeks ago, I left Thailand and headed back to London. I was definitely happy to be going home. I really missed everyone back here, and I'm pretty excited about getting back to uni and starting my final year, but I also wish I was still out there. I met some absolutely amazing people, who will make fantastic doctors/dentists/nurses/midwives, and it was so amazing working in a clinical environment everyday, having regular patient contact and seeing so many medical procedures on a daily basis. I really could have stayed out there an extra week, 2 weeks isn't enough time to see everything!

My last few days in Chiang Mai were great. I finished my placement in orthopaedics, in which I got to see some outpatients appointments, in which I learnt about conditions that I hadn't even heard of before and also helped me to think about some of the challenges that face patients when considering whether or not to take treatment. I also got to see some surgery, which is something I really wanted to experience whilst I was still out there. I got to see knee replacements and hip replacement surgery, lots of endoscopes and key-hole surgery to shoulders and 1 operation to correct polydactyly, so all in all a great placement and worth the 6.30am starts!

Now I'm back in the UK and back to normality! Uni started up again properly last week, so it's about getting back into a routine. Also my medical school application is due tomorrow, so I've been concerned with this!

Wish me luck!

XOX

Phuket Calling & Playing With Bones

It's been a few days since I updated so here goes!  So last week I finished my placement at the ER ward and overall it was great. I learnt so much about wounds, rode in an ambulance, saw treatment for a massively swollen insect bite and assisted in the removal of a guys stitches (to name a few!). There was also an interesting case in which a man had lost 3 of the digits on his right foot from complications resulting from hypertension. As im into cardiovascular medicine, it'll be a good one to read more about when i get home. I also saw so many results of motorcycle accidents. The driving is so insane out here that it happens quite often, and most people dont even wear helmets so the injuries can be pretty severe. It's actually really inspired me. When considering specialities for medicine, cardiology has always been at the very top of my list. This is both for personal reasons and just because I find the cardiovascular system just so fascinating. I've also considered other specialities such as oncology, neurology and autoimmune disorders such as diabetes, but I really think that I shouldn't dismiss trauma as a potential speciality should I become a doctor. I really like the pace of trauma medicine, how you can encounter something different everyday, and having that much responsibility in your decisions. 

Anyway, since before I came to Thailand I wanted to visit the beaches. When you think of Thailand in terms of a holiday destination you automatically imagine stretches of long white sandy beaches, and relaxing. After a hectic week of placement you just want to unwind and relax anyway. So last Wednesday I was discussing with one of the other students here about doing it, but we ended up just being busy. On Wednesday evening we went market shopping. Chiang Mai is famous for its impressive street markets, so we went to do some souvenir shopping, and there's so much there, it ended up being a really late night. Then on thursday we went almost straight from placement to Tiger Kingdom. Tiger Kingdom is amazing, you get to go and actually stroke tigers, it's so surreal, I have a photo of myself lying on on of the tigers backs. Anyway, Thursday is the evening that at the Gapmedics house everyone goes out for a meal, as a lot of the time it's the last time that everyone's together as some people leave on the Friday and others go off to the hill tribe experience. This meant that nothing could be booked before then. We ended up getting to Friday afternoon after placement still without having booked anything, we still really wanted to go, so we went to the wifi cafe and booked flights and a hotel around 5 hours before the flight departed, it was absolutely insane! We ended up arriving in Phuket International Airport around 1am, to which we were immediately targeted by a company selling tours, so we bought a day trip to Ko Phi Phi, which is apparently the most beautiful island in the area. Because we booked this, we managed to get our taxi to the hotel for free. Now this in itself was an adventure. Firstly the taxi driver didn't know where the hotel was, Even when we showed him the address. Eventually after getting his bearings (and asking directions a few times closer to the hotel!) we end up in this quiet, remote area, of which the hotel as down a dusty track. We got to the hotel with '24 hour reception' to find it was quiet and dark with no sign of anyone around. So naturally we knocked on the door. This was met by loud barking from a guard dog inside, which managed to wake the owner who was asleep on the sofa in the reception area. When we got inside, they hadn't received the message that we were coming, so they had to prepare a room. The room turned out to be nice, spacious and clean, so everything we needed. We ended up spending around 5 hours there until our taxi arrived to take us to the port. So Saturday turned out to be a day of touring islands, snorkelling around Monkey Island, and lunch on Ko Phi Phi Don, the bigger island. We then basically went to the beach before heading back. So when we got back to the port in Phuket, we had no hotel to go back to, so we requested to go to this hotel I'd seen on a Phuket tourism website called 'SB living places'. The hotel was so lovely, comfortable room with air con, a pool, free breakfast, restaurant, gym, rooftop bar and massage suite. We settled in and relaxed there for a bit then headed out to dinner at a restaurant we'd read about in the guide book called 'Cook'. This had Italian and Thai influences, therefore I had a Thai green curry pizza, which was actually really good, especially when followed with white chocolate mousse cake! Thailand is insane, we turned down a ride from a man on the back of his 'motorbike taxi', got photos taken of us and showed a nice israeli couple to the hotel we were staying when they couldn't find anywhere else to book a room. 

The next day we decided to visit a beach near to the airport to make it easier to get back. The beach seemed like it would be quite relaxing, which is what we wanted, so we got a bus to the area,which the driver couldn't actually find,which should have been a warning sign. The beach in itself was quiet, but too quiet, it was literally just the beach, whereas we were expecting at least one shop or restaurant in order to buy a drink or something. So after a walk down the beach, we'd started to get thirsty. It took 15 minutes and some getting lost in the forest until we found a shack out the side of the road. It served the most amazing authentic Thai food, and so cheap! We ended up paying 130 Baht (around £2.50) for us both to eat. After food we really didn't want to make the walk back to the beach, so we got a taxi to another temple. We looked round a little, got given our fortunes (albeit in Thai) and took some photos. This however really didn't fill up all afternoon, therefore, after failing to get a song tha-ou to another beach, we found a shack at the side of the road and finished our trip with ice cream, before heading back to the airport. It felt like we were properly backpacking, so not quite the relaxing weekend I was envisaging, but still great. 

This week I've been placed in the orthopaedics ward in a much larger hospital in Chiang Mai, which is giving me more trauma related experience. The first day started out with a ward round, visiting the trauma patients in the male and female wards of the orthopaedics department. As all of the cases on this ward was fractures, we managed to see a variety of fixation equipment/ braces which was pretty interesting. Yesterday I was placed in the orthopaedic OPD, in which I saw a variety of different cases. A couple of people came in with osteoporosis, needing a repeat in prescription of their normal drugs, I had a patient come in who'd had a nonunion fracture in her foot for six months that needed surgical treatment, another patient who'd experienced a compression injury in her lumbar region, causing pain in her sciatic nerve, but had also discovered a kidney stone in the x ray to diagnose. An interesting case was 2 different women of similar age, coming in for similar symptoms, neck pain radiating down thier left hand side extremities, however one had negative symptoms in a series of tests including a compression test and a weakness test in a physical examination, the other had positive. However on x ray examination, both had the same diagnosis of neck sprain, with tennis elbow, and prescribed painkillers. I also came across a couple of cases I hadn't heard of before, one having previous treatment for a condition known as meningomyoceles, a mass growing on the spinal column, and as a result had been left with a significant difference in leg length, causing her to walk with a limp. We also had a couple of patients come in with spinal chord stenosis. A final case that was interesting was a man who had had tuberculosis, which had spread to, and deformed, his spine. He'd had previous surgery to correct this, and was taking TB medication, but was concerned about a rash on his shoulder, and was referred to a dermatologist for further investigation. I learnt so much from OPD, and found it amazing how many of these cases would have been dealt with by a GP at home. The Thai healthcare system is so different, many cases just come straight to hospital, and they don't seem to have the alternatives that we have available in the uk, such as walk in clinics, GP surgeries and advice available from pharmacists.

Changing slightly today, I was on orthopaedic surgery. Which was slow, but still interesting. We managed to watch a knee replacement operation and a hip replacement, as well as seeing part of an operation to remove extra digits on a young patient presenting polydactyly, with six digits on each hand, and six and seven digits respectively on the feet.

Tomorrow I'm back in surgery, which should be pretty interesting again, but for tonight it's market time! 

3 days left, I'll keep you updated! 

XOX  

  

Midweek update

I think this might be one of my new favourite places. Thailand is great, literally amazing. Is it what I was expecting? The answer is both absolutely and not at all. I expected the jungle with sprawling banana trees and the lush greenery. I expected to see temples covered in gold and I expected the street food, all the rice and noodles. I even expected the conditions of the hospitals here. What I didn't expect is what's amazed me. Big streets, filled with nighttime markets selling the most amazing handmade items, crazy shopping habits such as literally having to dive into a pile of clothes in a thrift 'store'. The crazy driving, or the red taxis which you can stand on the back of and ride. The mountains which are covered in jungle and give fantastic views from the top. I really wish I could stay longer. 

The hospital's been great over the last 2 days too. The highlight of which has to be riding in an ambulance. We did a patient transfer to a bigger hospital, so I went into what was like an ITU, it was so interesting, I was definitely in my element. On the way back we were called to an RTC also, the driving here is insane, literally any road rules don't seem to count, including staying on the correct side of the road, therefore there are so many motorcycle accidents, which is what we went to. I've also seen suturing, which was great because I've never seen it before, and the doctor performing it was fantastic at explaining things too. I even saw my first case of infection today, with a patient coming in for severe diarhoea, which was interesting to see how they treat. I've been doing a little more aswell, minor but helpful tasks, and chatting to the English speaking patients which has been great. The people I'm working with are lovely too, so much that I don't even mind that this particular placement is just me. I've learnt so much already, a lot of which is also relevant to me as a first aider as well as a potential doctor. 

I've learnt a little Thai since being here too, which is making me want to persue it, so maybe that'll be my hobby for next year! 

Spending the evening now however exploring a little more, with a night market and potenially a ladyboy show!

ลาก่อน

XOX

Placement day 1

These posts are probably come later than written and clusters due to the lack of wifi here. Today was my second day in Thailand and my first at the hospital on my placement. I was in the Emergency room, where I'll be for the rest of the week. It's striking how different it is here to back home. It was much smaller than I expected, a&e back home is massive, in the Royal Berkshire Hospital, the Royal Sussex County Hospital and the John Radcliffe in Oxford, all of which I'm relatively familiar with, the departments have multiple assessment rooms, waiting rooms and beds, which are almost always full. However here the department is much smaller. There is just one waiting area with a triage area to the side of the room, there is then the 'treatment area' consisting of a trauma area and a couple of beds to the other side, which seems to be for resting patients and patients requiring medication as an example. There is also a couple of doctors desks in the main treatment area, where the doctor comes and speaks with some of the patients before going onto further treatment. Even with the difference in size, the department was actually much quieter than we see at home, and much slower in pace than I was expecting. Despite this I managed to see quite a few different treatments. There was a lot of treating of wounds, and replacing of dressings. Most of this was fairly similar to some of the first aid duties that I've done with the red cross, but it was interesting to see the cultural differences in terms of dealing with that kind of injury. I saw other minor procedures also, such as the removal of stitches, insertion of an IV Line. These were mostly done by the nurses. The more interesting procedures were performed by the doctors. I saw a cut which had gotten infected, the entire area was swollen and the wound was filled with pus. I watched the doctor numb the area, using a local anaesthetic (this amused me as it was the same anaesthetic as in the numbing cream I use for my piercings back home), and then go on to open the wound further, draining away all of pus from inside the wound. There was also a suturing today, performed by a doctor, and a dislocated shoulder. The dislocation was probably one of the most interesting for me. I had a patient at my last first aid event back in England, who had dislocated his shoulder. He was treated by a combination of paracetamol, then later morphine and entonox administered by the paramedic called, before being taken to hospital. At this point I hadn't seen before how a dislocation is actually fixed clinically, so this patient was particularly interesting. The doctors were great and explained exactly what was happening to me. He'd initially gone to radiology to confirm the diagnosis of a dislocation and to check that there wasn't also any fractures. He was then given through a line a painkiller and some Valium, which works as a sedative, relaxing the muscle and facilitating relocation. I then watched the medical team manipulate the shoulder back into place by raising the arm. This seemed to relieve the pain the patient was experiencing. But he would have needed to return to radiology  to confirm that the relocation had been successful, and no new fractures had been obtained in the process. 

Anyway today was a half day, and I spent my afternoon visiting a temple on the top if a mountain. It was so beautiful, everything was covered in gold, and it had the most beautiful views over Chiang Mai, which is amazing, and massive in that it sprawls right across the landscape and into the horizon. Whilst there we got blessed by a Buddhist monk. We paid 20 Baht for a small medical box, to give to the monk as an offering. In return he said a chant, and splashed us with holy water. We then got given cotton bracelets, which are meant to give good luck. I also got the opportunity to take my first touristy, scenic shots of the holiday, which made me immensely happy! 

Exciting to see what tomorrow will bring!!

XOX

Arrivals! (Thailand day 1)

So this morning I arrived in Thailand, and despite a slight mishap in attempting to go through Bangkok customs forgetting I had a bottle of coke purchased at Heathrow in my bag it was actually pretty stress free. The flight was strange through, flying east during the day on London time was completely disorientating, especially when sunset was at what seems to have been mid afternoon. As a result of this I've barely slept, not that I didn't try to on the 11.5hr flight to Bangkok, I just wasn't physically tired enough. I slept on my connection though, and woke up to my tray table down and a bag containing a bottle of water and a slightly suspicious looking pie on it, which I decided to leave on the plane. 

Chiangmai itself is bigger than I expected, with miles and miles of roads filled with shops and restaurants. We're actually properly out in the jungle! The house and the people here seem nice, although, due to it being term time, its pretty quiet. It's very different to home, but I think that's a good thing. Today I found myself knee deep in clothes at a thrift shop, it's just a completely different way of life, which I guess just seems so quirky. Moths are giant here also, making them much more frightening I'm looking forward to exploring a little later, but right now I need to nap. 

XOX

Trips, New Jobs and the UKCAT

I started this blog yesterday, but apparently I'm unable to start a blog without stopping midway through!

'Let me set the scene on what im doing right now - Firstly I'm alone. It's a sunny Thursday afternoon and im sat in a Starbucks in Reading with a vanilla latte in hand and an apple fritter doughnut. Im meant to be on a health kick, but apparently I have no self control when starbucks is concerned. Two days from now I'll be boarding a flight to Bangkok, which in itself is exciting. I'm going to be in Chiang Mai, undertaking various hospital placements and I guess I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm incredibly nervous. But right now I want to look back. 5 days ago, I started a new job, and it was really enjoyable, but opened my eyes to how much i still need to learn. It also involved a lot of patient contact and far more medication and treatment than I could have ever dreamt of seeing with the Red Cross. It's made me see how far I actually want to advance in my skills as a first aider, naturally, but its also cemented how much I actually want to do clinical work. When I started my biomedical science degree, a lot of people said to me that I'd like it so much, I wouldn't want to continue perusing medicine afterwards, and I can see why a lot of people feel that way. There are a lot of attractive career prospects  that come with doing a degree like mine, and ones that I don't doubt for a moment I would get great satisfaction from, but my heart definitely lies with medicine. 

Let's now go back to this morning. I sat in a room, surrounded by people clutching their green licences and counterparts. Now I'd be lying if I said that it didn't entertain me considerably sitting there with my pink photo card, but that's irrelevant. I went back to a room I'd been in almost 4 years ago, but for an entirely different purpose. So if you've read my previous posts on my blog, you'd know that I have a lot of work to do in terms of my exam strategy, as in if I can do it without going slightly crazy, I consider it a win! So naturally I was nervous. And then I got into the exam room. The UKCAT screen was in front of me, and I looked at the questions which were an entirely different format for the verbal reasoning from the practice ones in the books I bought. I then got onto the quantitative analysis section and my time keeping was just terrible. I mean worse than I've ever had in any exam before. I missed out 13 questions. So by this point I was contemplating univerrsities that didn't require the UKCAT. then it got onto the abstract reasoning section. I've always been good at this one, so this helped to relax me a little. I then got onto the decision analysis. When I started practicing questions back in June, this was my nemesis. But I'd practiced the question format so much, and after relaxing a little during the previous section, I went through this really calmly, and finished the section 5 minutes before the time was up. This actually turned out to be my best section, and I achieved a near perfect score on it. 

Anyway I ended up averaging 750, which is good in terms of getting into medical school, but not quite as good as my practice tests, which I attribute to the lack of finishing the quantitative analysis section, however this is another 'green light' to continue my application to medical school this month, so I'm relatively happy about it! '

Now to embark on my next adventure! Expect lots of posts

XOX

Bupa Great South Run 2013

On a slight side note - This October I will be running 10 miles in the Great South Run to fundraise for the British Heart Foundation. It's a fantastic cause and they do so much good work in both research and supporting people who have heart conditions as they go through treatment. It is one of my top charities and I'm hoping for lots of donations, so I'd really appreciate any :) plus you'd see me, who is one of the most unfit people ever attempting to run 10 miles on Portsmouth seafront!

The link is:

Www.justgiving.com/vicky-rashbrook

My housemate Sarah and her boyfriend Gareth are also running. They're doing it for help for heroes, another fantastic charity, so if you want to support her, her link is:

Www.justgiving.co.uk/Sarah-and-Gareth 

Thanks in advance!

XOX

Stepping Up a Gear

Earlier this month, I spent an entire day looking around London universities for a range of either medicine or post-graduate opportunities. Now I know this blog is about getting into medical school, which I'm still 100% on, but I'm also realistic about the chances of me getting into medicine. I know that I can be an amazing applicant and still not get in. I can have the right academic performance, scores on the admissions exams and a great range of work experience and still not be selected for interview. For those of you who aren't medical applicants, it's just that competitive as a subject, particularly for graduate entry. Therefore I have a plan B and this is it: I'm going to apply for some masters degrees alongside my medical school application, mostly in Cardiovascular science, but also some in Biomedical science with a significant amount of cardiovascular in it's content. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this previously, but I want to eventually be a cardiologist. Therefore if I don't get into medicine this year, then I'll try again next year, hopefully with a masters behind me. Preparations are well on the way. I have my UKCAT exam booked for the beginning of next month. I'm halfway through submitting my UCAS application and I've decided on the universities I want to apply to. I'm continuing my long-term work experience and organising more also. I'm becoming a society member at university next year, which will boost my application and give me some great experience. On top of all this, at the end of next week I'll be jetting off to Thailand! I'm going to be working on a GapMedics placement in Chiang Mai for 2 weeks, which I'm incredibly excited about, and I'm looking forward to blogging about all my experiences out there!!

Things are progressing rapidly now :)

XOX

Result!

This may be counter-productive to my last post, but apparently going a little crazy during exams led to some of the best results I've had since starting uni. I averaged a really decent first in my June exams, securing the 2:1 grade I've been grasping hold of all year. Am I a little disappointed I didn't get a first this year? Perhaps, but I'm so happy with the grade I did get. Mostly because it's the grade medical schools require their applicants to get. It also takes the pressure off of next year. To get a 2:1 next year, I'd need a perfectly acheivable high 2:2. To get a first next year, I need to exceed the border for a first by about 1%. I'm feeling more optimistic now than I have for a while about my chances of getting into medicine, and with currently being in Spain, lifes looking pretty sweet ATM! 

Te next steps are to book my trip to Thailand, working in an actual hospital will be phenominal! And to book and prepare for the UKCAT exam. It's frightening, and there's no guarantee that I'll get in, but I'm excited for the ride!

Wish me luck!

XOX

How To Survive Exams Without Going Crazy

I'm really not a great person to write a blog entitled this, but here goes. As many of you know, I recently did a set of exams for the end of my second year at uni, and if my recent blog posts are anything to go by, I really didn't handle it that well. I contemplated dropping out. I'm not going to do this, but it was literally just because I was so stressed, and who wants to live their life constantly worrying that they're not going to pass the next 'barrier'. I also contemplated taking a little trip, to the point where I was procrastinating by looking at the cost of flights and ferries, just like Ireland or Mainland Europe, just somewhere away from here. I had about 4-5 completely sleepless nights, a couple of moments in which I seriously considered quitting my job and had 1 impromptu trip back to Reading, in which I basically sat alone, didn't sleep at all and thought about everything. I actually managed to complete my exams, and to a level I was relatively happy with, which in itself is nothing short of a miracle. But it was my actions after I finished my exams which were at least equally as bad. I'm not going to go into details on this, but I got told on a couple of occasions that I was 'acting like a crazy person.'  This in itself is really not good, and it's not really a great way to blow of steam after a large amount of stress.

I think it's pretty safe to say I'm back to normal now, but I really didn't feel like myself for a while. So here's my guide on how not to act like a crazy person during exams!

1. Actually start preparation early, get organised, and manage everything in small chunks. If I feel I'm unprepared for an exam, I stress about it so much more. 
2. Don't give up eating. This really isn't wise in any situation, but around exams? How much information can you really take in if all you can think about is how sick you feel because you haven't eaten in 36 hours. 
3. Don't spend 13 hours a day in the library. Just because it's exam time, it doesn't mean that you have to spend every waking moment studying. Of course it's never great to procrastinate or anything, but there's only a certain amount that a person can take in in one day. You can be so much more productive if you're actually relaxed. 
4. Don't give up sleep. Are you really going to do your best work in exams if you're falling asleep at the desk? No. 
5. Don't see exams as the enemy. It's not a barrier, another hurdle to fall at, but an opportunity to demonstrate how much you do actually know. 
6. Remember: exams constitute around 4 weeks of the year, of course it's important to work all year through, but the actual exam process is such a small part. It's nothing to stress over!

The most important lesson I've learnt from this exam period is not to blow out ridiculously afterwards. It's good to celebrate but not get to the point 2 weeks later, where you've had 5 hangovers, apologized for your behaviour about 50 times, have run completely out of money, have several texts you shouldn't have sent, a couple of occasion of wondering if/why you still have friends and can't stand the sight of alcohol.

And maybe, just maybe, you might be able to maintain your sanity during exam time!

XOX

Something New

Sometimes I feel like that I go through life with my finger on a button marked 'self-destruct', I don't know if this is normal, but I feel like this pretty regularly. 

Now I have this life, and I've tried so hard to get to where I am today, I tackled my a levels, the first few years of my degree, I've worked through personal barriers and I've worked really hard to make a three year, relatively easy relationship become a four year relationship whilst also making it long distance. I've built friendships, a life for myself. So why is it that the only thing keeping me from pressing this metaphorical button is fear?

I feel like i have the power to destroy everything if i desired. Like when you implode a building marked for demolition. Theoretically I could do it, leave everything behind, quit my job, find someone to take my lease, quit my course and just take off. It wouldn't be a problem financially. I could get a tank of fuel and a ferry ticket, drive to the continent, probably Paris, something I've always wanted to do anyway. Travel and live off of my savings. Until I found a job that is, something that wouldn't require sweat and tears, and working so hard that I border on insanity, without even knowing if it would get me anywhere. Maybe I'd dye my hair,  take up a new hobby. Maybe I'd read the books growing dusty in a pile in my room, watch the films that I've always wanted to see but not got round to. Maybe I could learn to sing, then I could join a band. Or even just have the time to go to more gigs, the underground metal scene perhaps? Although my taste is becoming progressively more indie recently. 

I would struggle however, to leave behind people, the friends I've made, particularly over the last few years, and when I think of this I don't at all understand why I feel like this. Plus, I love everything medical, I couldn't imagine giving up my dream to have a career in it. I also love Brighton. I'm lucky to live in what is probably one of my favourite cities in the uk, so much that I don't want to leave it when I graduate. 

I've never been one for big change, especially before I came here. The idea of things not staying exactly as they did before used to petrify me, but actually I think coming here has made me see that change isn't always that bad. Change drives progress. 

I think it stems down to the fact that somewhere in my life I'm dissatisfied. I'm not sure which aspect it is but it's increasingly becoming an issue. Theoretically, life is great, but I can't quite shake this feeling. I'm craving something new, but that doesn't mean that everything has to be new. I just need to work this out for myself.

I'm not that great at French anyway....

XOX

A Blog About Being Uninspired

I'm so uninspired I cant even think of a better title for this blog.

At the moment I'm approaching exam period, so basically I've been spending pretty much every waking hour at uni, more specifically in the library (seriously I'm here right now if you want to check it up!) this means that I haven't had much time to blog, or in fact do much of anything except for sleep and the 12 hours a week I give to Asda! 

But going back to basics with my blog: getting into medical school. I desperately need a 2:1 in this year to be considered for a medical school, and although so far this year I've managed to sustain this despite one particular questionable exam result in January. This means, although progress has been good so far this year, I desperately need to do well in these exams.

More recently I've been contemplating if my life would be easier if I just left after this degree and got a related job to do with my current degree. I haven't been feeling incredibly passionate about medicine recently, in fact I haven't been feeling particularly passionate about anything. Talking to someone this morning they said 'I've done exams every year for the last 10 years, I've had enough' and I can completely relate, exams are tough and the stress gets to me (elevated cortisol levels -yeah!) it's the reason I actually started this blog, as a way to cope when things get a little bit too much.

But let's fast forward to this afternoon.

I got some coursework grades back today, and I got a 2:1, which ordinarily I'd be absolutely fine with, but it was frustrating because I lost 20% of the marks through a late submission of the first part of it. A part that if I'd actually submitted on time would have given me somewhere in the region of 85% for that piece of coursework. And the worst bit is that it's my own fault, it came about on a day in which I had three deadlines, and I was pretty stressed, and I just confused the time with another piece. What makes it even more frustrating is that I'd actually completed the coursework 5 days before, but hadn't gotten around to submitting. 

Then I got in the car and cried, not because of the coursework as such, but just that I'm so sick of trying so hard and not getting very far with it, I'm working myself to the ground , and achieving what feels like so little. And it was mostly because the only career path thative ever been passionate about is being a doctor, and I'm finding it difficult. But I think it's okay that I find it hard, because it makes me strive to want to do better, improve myself. My lecturer said to me today that my work is really good, and I'm looking at still getting a really decent pass despite the coursework fiasco, and it feels nice that the quality of my work is actually recognised. But the best thing that has come out of breaking down a little bit today is that I've realised how badly I actually want this, how much I love this. 

So I'm going to finish this blog, and I'm going to revise metabolic disorders, because it's part of what I need to do to get to where I want to be. Wish me luck!

XOX

5 Response Evoking Books

Yesterday I bought myself 6 books as a stack of reading material to a) Read over summer and B) keep me sane in exam period whilst keeping me away from sitcoms (far to addictive, not recommended if you actually have things to do!) So I've comprised a list of books that I've read recently that have left me feeling sad/happy/made me laugh/angry and, as the title suggests, have evoked a response so here goes!

1. 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green

So this book is written from the perspective of a teenage cancer patient, and I think any book worth reading should stir up emotions in you. This book, whilst making me laugh throughout, left me crying (the only moment in which I actually put this book down). The main idea in this book is that it's a tragic love story but the outcome of this wasn't the thing that upset me. I was upset for the parents in the book. The parents of the main character. Yes. The idea that the main characters mother felt she wouldn't be a mother anymore after her daughter had passed is in itself heart-wrenching. However it was also discussions between the main characters about the outcome of the mother in fictional book 'An Imperial Affliction'. The thought that the mother in the book wouldn't want to be away from where her daughter was. This in itself made me think of my own mother, and how she'd find it very difficult to be away from the last place her daughter was when she was alive, it's like grasping on desperately to something, that realistically   went a long time ago, but this is still better than the feeling of guilt that comes from moving on and leaving that person behind. And I'm not a mother, so I can't comprehend this exactly, but I can feel something akin through having someone, perhaps just as close, but in a very different way. And this is when I had to put the book down. 

2. 'The Immortal life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot 

Perhaps not 'recent' but I read this book in the summer before my degree. As a biomedical scientist, you can purchase cells from suppliers with a view to using them for research. HeLa is one of them (the letters coming from the name of the donor). Medical research is critical, without it, we couldn't understand the mechanisms of disease, let alone develop potential treatments. We couldn't even understand the in-depth detail of our normal pathology. But what medical research can fail to understand is that the cells they're manipulating actually came from a person, with a family and everything. And this is the topic of this book. It tackles a lot: Medicine, research, family dynamics, cancer, mental illness, civil rights, racism and how civilisation changes through history, which can't help but make you empathetic to the family involved, as well as anger for the civil injustice underlying the story. True story as well, definitely worth a read. 

3. 'Me Before You' by JoJo Moyes

I was describing this book the other day, which I achieved with the line: "You think it's all going to end happily, then BAM!" 

I think I'll go into a bit more depth here:  This is a love story. But not a conventional one. I think one of the main reasons why I really liked this book is the fact that it doesn't deal with the superficial. Taking on issues like euthanasia is brave, but I think the author tackled it well in this book. It also gives an insight into the difficulties of everyday life when you're living with a disability. This book made me mentally want to scream at it the whole way through, but I really enjoyed it! Recommended. 

4. 'The Lovely Bones' by Alice Sebold

I could never get tired of this book, it's one of my favourites. Basically I picked up this book when I wanted to watch the film, which looked really good. But I definitely agree that the book is always so much better than the film, on anything. (Although the film in this case does do the book justice, some are terrible!) I think it's because when you read a book, a lot of what the characters might look like, or the places visited, whereas a film leaves very little to the imagination. The way that death is portrayed in this film is beautiful, and although the book is devastating throughout, the unfolding of the story kept me gripped throughout. One of those books you can definitely read over and over. 

5. 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time' by Mark Haddon

This has to be the most well written book I've ever read, and just so happens to be the only book on my list that doesn't directly deal with death! The sensitive portrayal of autism in this book I found to be so educational, and yet such a gripping perspective to read from. Add in to this mystery and unexpected plot twists and you find yourself with a really great read. You can't help but feel for the main character in the book, and you never get bored. 

Sorry this is belated! Only a day out, not too bad ;)

XOX

Running.

We're getting into Spring now, the Brighton marathon was last weekend, and people are trying to get fit. This year this includes me. So I took up running on Tuesday, and now I've just completed my third run therefore this calls for another list!

10 Things I've Learnt In My First Week Of Running

• It's never a good idea to run in the dark on an unlit road

So I had the brilliant idea of running down this country road on the outskirts of Brighton, Nature  - check, Beautiful views - check, the ability to see them all- Not so much. 

• People in cars give you strange look

It seems people who aren't jogging, seem to find it absurd that you are, I got laughed at today, just beautiful. 

• You get everywhere surprisingly quickly

10 minutes to the seafront? Yes please! It would save so much time if you were actually trying to get somewhere!

• Running on grass hurts...a lot

Not my finest idea, it's not so much that it's grass but just how uneven it is. Trainers aren't exactly the most supportive footwear, hello sore ankles! 

• It's not a good idea to squirt yourself with water when you're wearing headphones

I'll test the extent of the damage tomorrow, but electricals and water really don't mix!

• Traffic lights become one of your favourite things

"Turn Red! Please turn Red! Any excuse to stop! Please!!!!!"

• Running downhill is so much easier than anything else

Running on flat- not so much, I expected this to be more effort but I don't think I realised the actual extent! 

• Running in trainers is so much easier than running in vans

Trainers make me feel like I'm bouncing, Vans don't so much. Plus it means that I can keep my vans pretty, so it's a win-win situation. 

• Lycra is the most comfortable thing in the world

Shops sell sports EVERYTHING. I bought some sports socks the other day- like a cushion that clings to my feet, amazing. 

• It's surprising how far you actually get

Everyday I manage to go further, not bad for the girl who couldn't even run for the bus!!

In all seriousness, running, or any exercise decreases the risk of cardiovascular disease, obesity. It boosts your metabolism and the effects endure for 48 hours meaning just 3-4 times a week of exercise can make such a dramatic difference.

Motivation to get fit!!!

XOX

12 Things To Do In Brighton

Here goes the first of my weekly pieces =D

I've been living in Brighton for a year and a half now, and I've gotten to know it pretty well, so here's my list of things that frankly I couldn't do without

12) Visit the marina

This has to be one of my absolute favourite places in Brighton, just because it has a little bit of everything. There's so much going on, restaurants, cinema, bowling, shops, casino etc. yet it still retains the ability to be totally relaxing, particularly walking along the bridge and ooking out over all of the boats and the rest of Brighton beyond. Parking is free, so it's not even straining financially. Plus there's a hurricane simulator, and that's pretty awesome :D

11) Go on the Brighton Wheel

This is very 'typically touristy' but actually it's really worth it. We went on it in the rain, and it was still a really good experience. The talk isn't the most interesting, but it's not bad and you get some pretty good views. Prices start from £8, so a little pricey but I'd recommend.

10) Park on Madeira Drive at night, and watch Brighton from your bonnet

Brighton is so serene at night-time, and it looks so beautiful lit up at nighttime, the blue lights under the  arches for the road, the Brighton eye, the pier. Even further than this, the bandstand is spectacular at night.

See:  http://pictureofacity.tumblr.com/

9) Drive through the tunnel in Shoreham, windows down & music blasting at 70mph

Maybe this is just my friends, but everyone always enjoys doing this when they come to visit, and it's actually pretty fun. Just a small burst of adrenaline. Sounds pretty good too :)

8) See a gig, any gig

This is something I haven't done nearly as much as I intended to when moving down here, but Brighton is so big on unsigned bands and cute quirky little venues, you're bound to find something you'll enjoy, no matter who you are. I'd recommend Komedia for stand-up at the weekend. 

7) Go to the 'big doughnut'

The amount of hilarious and creative pictures I've seen from this place, it's definitely worth a visit, and right on the seafront as well :)

6) Try some of the café's in North Laine

There's so many weird and unimaginable places to eat and drink, one of my favourites was a place that served different flavours of Japanese tea, with beads of tapioca inside, never heard of anything like it before, but was plesantly suprised. 

5) Skim stones overlooking West Pier

Something randomly beautiful about this, particularly when the beach is quiet. With the eerily quiet scenery as well, this is actually oddly relaxing. 

4) Go shopping in the laines 

Every time I go shopping here I find something different. Some strange (see: Vegetarian Shoes). I'd recommend 'Snooper's Paradise', a HUGE bric-a-brac shop with so much stuff! and they have a retro photobooth as well :)

3) Do a photo shoot

Brighton has such beautiful scenery, why would you not want to? I've done both scenery and pictures of people in a beautiful setting. Leads to some unique pictures!

2) Dip in the sea after midnight

This is normally after a night out, but it's an experience to say the least. I've done it a few times - most notably dressed as a zombie bride on halloween, freezing cold, but totally worth it!

1) Go on the ride at the end of the pier

You know the one I mean, the one that you can see from the outside of Brighton, towers over all of the rest and looks so vigorous. It costs £5, but it gives a huge release of adrenaline, like being catapulted towards the pier/sea makes you feel ;)

Such an amazing city!

XOX

21 Guns

As I mentioned in my previous post, tomorrow I turn 21, and this is scary because I still feel like a teenager, but this feels like I'm officially going to be a 'proper' adult. But what does it actually mean to be a 21 year-old, or indeed a proper adult?

1. I can drink in the US
Okay, so maybe it's not quite such a big deal over here. I mean I'm turning 21, so here I've been drinking (legally) for the last 3 years, and it's really not that big a deal anymore. I guess I've never really been one who's been overly enthusiastic about going out and drinking until you vomit or pass out anyway, but it's nice to know that I can drink if I ever do make the trip to New York that I've been craving.

2. I can teach someone to drive (almost)
I don't know how many of you reading this aren't from the UK, but over here the law states to legally supervise a learner you have to be over 21 and to have had your licence for over 3 years, well I'm turning 21, and in May I would have had my licence for that long so technically I have a little more responsibility.

3. It's time to get serious about my career
Okay, those of you who have read my previous posts will know that I'm already pretty serious, and I know what I want, but everything just seems a little closer, therefore it's time to really get focused!

4. Marriage seems a lot closer than it did when I was 19
It's a strange thought that when my mum was 21 she had been married for almost 2 years and she was pregnant. I'm definitely not at that stage, at the moment my focus is on my education, but the thought of getting married is never really quite that far away, and it's very realistic that I could be getting married in the next few years. So many of my friends are engaged at the moment, it just doesn't seem that distant, particularly in Christian circles, young marriage is celebrated, and I'm not quite as opposed to that as I once was.

5. If I was theoretically in a news/ police report I'd be referred to as 'woman' rather than 'girl'
Okay, so I know this one is applicable from me being 18, but I had this thought the other day, and it's a strange one for me to comprehend, when I was younger the thought of being referred to as 'woman' just seemed so much older than me, I think I quite like it.

6. I'm probably not going to grow anymore
I think 5'4 was always a bit of a pipe dream, if you've ever met my mother you'd realise that the likelihood of me being tall, or even average height was slim anyway, but I don't think I ever really gave up hope. Anyway at 5'2 (and a half!) I can still buy petite clothing without it being too short, and I can wear heels as high as I want, and I'm still not the tallest person in any of my friend groups, and I'm not taller than my boyfriend, so that's always a plus!

7. I'm in the prime of my child-bearing years
Not that I'm going to have children for a very long time, it's weird to think though that biologically, if I was going to, the best time would be right now.

8. I have as much independence as I'm ever going to have
I love having my own space. Anti-social? Maybe. But I also love company. I love having the choice. Being 21, having moved out, paying bills, owning a car, having a job, having no dependants. I'm completely trusted to be able to take care of myself, and yet still young enough to be a little selfish and just do things for me from time to time, and I like it.

9. My metabolism isn't quite as fast as it once was
So this means I need to regulate my diet a little bit more, not so much sweets and junk, but more healthy options, and proper regular meals. No fads to lose weight, proper exercise. If I'm going to be an adult, I need to act like one - Including my diet. My body will thank me.

10. It's all downhill from here?
So many people say to me - "Oooh 21, it's all downhill from there" or "The years go quicker than you'd expect", but I don't think this is true. Yes being a teenager an carefree is fun, but I'm pretty excited about what my twenties may bring. I'll start my 'proper' career, I might get married, I might even have children, a mortgage. In all honesty, I know this things bring added stress and responsibility, but each is a new challenge and I'm pretty excited about each one of them. Maybe I'm older emotionally than physically, but I dream about getting married, decorating my first home, I dream about being a doctor, about being pregnant and having babies. I'm not saying I'm in any rush, but I am excited about all these things, and I fully intend to make the most out of my twenties, and not just let them flit away.

But for now: Happy Birthday for me, for tomorrow.

XOX

Blogging

I started blogging almost a year ago. Firstly it was to deal with stress. The stress of exams, relationships, living in a terrible house in which I didn't mesh with two thirds of the housemates, and in all honestly, I intended it to be temporary. I mean, who would want to read about what I have to say anyway? My life is so  completely ordinary. But as analytical and logical as I can be as a science undergrad, I need to vent myself creatively. This in time lead to the thing I used to vent personally becoming my friend, and not just the program, but all the silent, anonymous readers of it from all over the world. It's pretty overwhelming if you think about it. People from countries that I've never even visited have read my blog and my rants, and I see it as part of a statistic on a tab on my home-screen but it's actually pretty amazing.

My blog has been part of my sanity over the last year, and it's been there when I've needed it the most.

I'm quiet, I don't always talk about how I feel or my opinions. Writing them down is so much easier, even if they remain unfinished, unpublished. A thought lasts a moment, but it can be so amazing, beautiful even, to document them, preserve them and also to share them. It makes me feel a little less alone in the world.

Tomorrow I turn 21. Now 21 isn't like 20. To me it just feels so grown - up. So I'm taking control of my life, getting organised and really going for what I want out of life. Now this means I'm going to need my blog more than I have done over the last 11 months, and I'm going to aim to blog regularly. So every week I'm going to aim to blog on a topic completely unrelated to what's going on with me, but just to write about something a little different, a release.

I'll keep you posted ;)

Thank you all for your continued reading, I feel like I have 500 psychiatrists!

XOX

How do you know when you know?

Today I saw that some friends of my boyfriends have just got engaged. Now coming from Christian circles, I'm used to friends of mine getting engaged. Some the same age as me, some after being together for shorter periods of time, but I'm used to it, as I've had the attitude that, when we're ready and if it's right, then things would stop being so well, stagnant. 

But this one made me think, because in lots of ways, they're so similar to us, in that they're of similar age, and that although they've been together longer than us, it's a matter of months. In a few months time would I be ready to make the same commitment? Probably not.

But why is that? I mean is there something wrong with me that I'm so unsure? Even after 4 and a half years together. And the problem isn't with Adam, I mean I get the impression from him that he's right there, but I'm just not, I'm not even close.

I can blame this on numerous things, the fact that I'm from a broken home, and I'm so afraid of a relationship that started from when we were so young has the odds stacked against us as a result of this, and I feel so realistic about the possibility of a marriage failing, pessimistic? Yes. But that's all I've ever been taught, and I know it can work.

I can also blame it on the fact that our relationship is long distance. I realised it would be hard, but not this hard. Some days, I can't even remember how it felt when we used to see each other everyday. It's so easy to argue when you miss someone so much. And when you're not used to annoying habits, in my case, a lack of responsibility on his part which drives me insane, it's easy for these to be accentuated when you're not used to them anymore.
Also sometimes I feel so far away that I can't be a part of his life anymore, I'm just a spectator, a ghost of what used to be there, and also vice versa. It's so easy to get frustrated, which leads to arguments.Then these arguments lead to a lack of appreciation of the other person. I don't appreciate Adam like I should. He's so so lovely, in that he loves me so much, he really grasps onto the time that we have together and wants to spend every moment that he can grab with me. He puts up with my moods and frustrations with patience, talks to me when I'm upset, comforts me and he's never let go of me, although I'm miles away most of the time. He's hilarious, and is the only person who can leave me laughing until it hurts, and he's so so beautiful. He doesn't always do the right thing, or have the best ideas, but he always tries his hardest, and just picks himself up and carries on, which I really admire. He always tries his best to help me out, and others, because he's so compassionate.

But it's easy to forget all of this when you're so far away from each other.

See, I'm beginning to realise that love doesn't have to be like a romantic comedy to be right. You don't have to be swept off your feet everyday. It doesn't have to be easy all the time. You don't have to even like each other most of the time. You don't have to be desperate for each other 100% of the time. But maybe it's the person you can rely on if you need them, pick you up when you're feeling down, and when you're not feeling down. Maybe it's the person who you can look at, through all of their flaws, and still love them unconditionally, and who can do the same for you.

Maybe it's the person who being with, on the really really bad days, is still 100x better than the good days without them.

So yes, I'm not sure still, and I think there's something completely wrong with me for that, we have issues that need ironing out. But one day, I'll know. Will it be in the next few months? I'm not quite sure yet, but for now, I'm going to keep believing in the one person who's shown me such a huge amount of unconditional love over the last four and a half years, and I'm going to love him back unconditionally.

In our own time, we'll all eventually get there.

XOX

Fear, A Personal Overview

Fear is completely natural, for me, fear normally manifests itself in three ways:

1) The fear that I don't know what's going to happen- I hate the inability to meticulously plan things, to plan life, to know exactly what's going to happen at what exact point, to not know what the prognosis and the outcome is of a particular situation.

2) The fear that life is slipping me by. Next month I turn 21, and I know that's still young, and that I still have so much life ahead of me. But years are shorter than I remember them being as a child, maybe this is because each year represented a much greater proportion of my life back then then they do now. And so much is going to happen in the next decade, which I guess links back into (1)

3) The fear that I don't have control over a situation - for me, this isn't normally too bad. When it comes to deadlines, I can control when and how much work I do. In life I can control what I do and when I do it. I can control what I do and don't eat, I can control. But what happens when I find myself in a situation I can't control? I'm going to explain a scenario here, and the person who it involved doesn't know until now how I felt about the situation, but here goes, so sorry I'm telling it like this! <3 Last week, a good friend of mine ended up in hospital, not under particularly dramatic circumstances (and by that I mean no sirens, no sudden change in events) it was just something that had to be done. So I went to go and visit her. When I got there, I was told that I couldn't see her right away and that I could wait. 20 minutes later the same nurse comes up to me and tells me that my friend is pretty unwell and that I should leave for a bit, to which I enquire about the strict visiting hours, and she tells me not to worry. So I leave the ward, and make my way out of the hospital, and I found myself in an empty corridor, completely and utterly lost, trying to find myself a coffee machine. I must have wandered past an operating theatre, because I was passed by a person running with one of those bags that contain organs before they get transplanted. It takes me completely by surprise, and there's no particular reason why it should, I mean I'm in a hospital, maybe this would be more surprising in any other environment, but a hospital? So I think about the people involved in this situation, not so much the person on the operating table, but the family, the family sitting in some waiting room somewhere in the same building that I was currently ambling around, potentially going hours with no news, and when there was news, what news would it be? The thumbs up, or the being ushered into a side room with the consultant, completely oblivious to what they're about to be told. I pray that it's the former and continue on down the hallway. I also think about the family who've just lost their loved one, the family who aren't going to be the same again, where there's always going to be a gap, where they're always going to feel just a little bit broken and I pray for comfort for them. I then think to my friend upstairs, and how I have no idea what's happening with her, nor what the situation is that dictates that I can't see her. Then I don't know when to go back, whether or not I'd just get sent away again. The realisation that I can't help or make this go away, no matter how much I want it to, so I begin to pray for her, and I find myself crying, standing (Standing! as I can't even find seating in this maze of a hospital!)

As it turns out, in my friends case at least, everything was fine.

I guess my point in this, is that fear is good, and despite how hectic everything is at the moment, it's nice to know that I can still feel something akin to fear. It was a glimpse, a horrible reminder of 2006, which I still maintain was the single worst year of my life so far, but it was beautiful as well, it's nice to remember that I'm capable of feeling something so intense. And not just the situation with my friend but also for 2 families completely unknown to me.

It's also so important to take a step back and remember why I'm doing this

I'm going to leave with a short note, thanks for the continuous reading of my ramblings!

XOX


Organ donation is so important, it can give life to someone who really needs, it's the best gift that somebody can give. It's always devastating when someone passes away, but organ donation can prevent another family experiencing the same situation prematurely.

More information can be found about it here:
http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/

Or you can register here:
https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/how_to_become_a_donor/registration/consent.asp

Generic Snow Blog: March 2013

'Everyone needs to run out to their cars and get out whilst they can, because the pavement is FAR too slippery, so walking is ludicrous, and head to the nearest hill, but this has to be done at 5mph, y'know just to be 'safe', and abandon it halfway up, because you just can't quite make it. Gritters can't come out until at least 6am tomorrow morning, because coming out BEFORE the snow settled would have been ridiculous! Probably best to stop all the buses as well, but lets not close any of the shops, 'just in case' a customer comes in, which they will because clearly we're all going to be snowed in and starve to death if we don't immediately go to the nearest supermarket and bulk buy everything they have on the shelves and barricade ourselves in our homes, because we don't know how long this is going to take, who knows how long it'll be until the half an inch of snow outside melts...'

Today, the snow is falling once again and as usual everything has stopped. I'm happy to be home, because the need to abandon your car is horrible, especially for such a pointless trip! The likelihood is that most of us will be able to return to normality in the next few days, so the bulk buying of food is unnecessary, particularly when it's a week later and you still have 2 loaves of bread and 8 pints of milk that need to be used up by tomorrow. But  as ridiculously unprepared the UK is to deal with such an insignificant amount of snow, this gives us a great opportunity to sit back and breathe. I get stressed easily, and when I get stressed I get insomnia and become so unproductive it's painful. So tonight, instead of having a ridiculously busy evening comprised of various events, I'm going to sit back, have a proper dinner, and catch up with some work. Then perhaps I'll actually get a proper nights sleep

It's so easy to get wrapped up in everything that's going on as an individual, it's humbling to see how little control we actually do have when something like this happens,

XOX

3.5 months

3.5 months seems like a long time if you put it into perspective:

- It's more than the length of 1 trimester in pregnancy
- Over a quarter of a year
- The length of 3 lunar cycles
- The length of or longer than some prison sentences

But that's how long it is until I finish the second year of my degree, and I'm really starting to realise how difficult this year is actually becoming, and after some mediocre exam results (but still much higher than average for the modules!) it's looming on me just how much I have to do in these next 3.5 months until I complete this year. This semester I have to:

- Cement the 2:1 I'm currently sitting on to give myself a chance to get into med school
- Prepare for the UKCAT/ GAMSAT
- Organise myself some more work experience, including preparing a trip to Thailand
- Turn 21! (Not so much I have to do, more as in it's coming!)
- Talk to my personal tutor for advice on getting into medical school
- Pass this year!!!

Therefore I'm going to work so hard this semester and get organised, because it's only getting harder from here, wish me luck!!

Providing all this needs to happen, 3.5 months really doesn't seem that long...

XOX

Let it snow! (Or not)

I always feel so Scrooge like when I say that I hate snow, but I do, I hate it. What's there to hate? I love how pretty it looks, how you can take some of the most amazing photographs (see below), spontaneous snowball fights, and wrapping up in woolies. And I loved all of this until I started driving.

Driving in the snow is one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had to endure, firstly, as a child you're blissfully ignorant to how dangerous the snow actually is, not just for cars, but the increased fall risk, the risk of the cold in certain groups of the population, the risk the ice poses to anyone. But driving is terrifying, the first time anything bad happened it really wasn't that bad, I was driving to sixth form, but before I even got out of my road I span round, it happened a few times until I managed to turn around and go home.

Yesterday, I got stuck getting out of a side road next to my house, and would have been completely stuck if it hadn't have been for the help from 3 strangers who were absolutely amazing! But today was something else

I had an exam this afternoon, and the plan was - Go to uni, do my exam, go and grab some food, go back to uni and revise until late and go home. Which in essence worked until it started to snow near the end of my exam. So I finished the exam and found Sarah. We looked at the snow which was falling a lot but just melting as it hit the ground, which, for a 10 minute round trip, really shouldn't be that much of an issue, and I'm one of these people who don't believe that a little bit of the white stuff should grind everything to a halt.

But apparently it does, with a country so unequipped to deal with this kind of situation (and to be fair, it doesn't happen very often!) a 5 minute trip can turn into 50 minutes, to which this point the snow had began to settle on the ground and mixed with the general wetness of the situation to form a thick slush, so after a LOT of shouting, panicking and general crying, we managed to coerce some strangers into pushing my car safely onto the pavement, it was far to dangerous to continue and I couldn't release the handbrake without the car sliding backwards.

It turns out we wouldn't have been able to proceed further anyway, we passed a bus at the top of the hill diagonally blocking the road, and with reports of a bus at the bottom of the hill which had basically split in half (a bendy bus, not actual metal!) we were absolutely stuck.

So at this point, we're both wearing pretty inappropriate shoes, and with a walk home ahead of us we needed to stock up on supplies for warmth and food resources, but what we met at Asda was emptiness, with the few people who were there panicking about how to get home, because Hollingbury was basically cut off from the rest of Brighton

In all honesty, the walk home probably would have been nice in better weather, and we had some amazing quotes come out of it like 'why did we bother with a car, trolley is clearly the best way to travel!!' and not only am I so glad I wasn't alone, but being with Sarah not only made it bearable, but almost enjoyable :)

An hour and a half later, and almost 4 hours after we left uni, we're home. After walking basically 4 and half miles in the snow.

And this is why I hate snow,

All because some white stuff fell from the sky!!!

XOX