Fear is completely natural, for me, fear normally manifests itself in three ways:
1) The fear that I don't know what's going to happen- I hate the inability to meticulously plan things, to plan life, to know exactly what's going to happen at what exact point, to not know what the prognosis and the outcome is of a particular situation.
2) The fear that life is slipping me by. Next month I turn 21, and I know that's still young, and that I still have so much life ahead of me. But years are shorter than I remember them being as a child, maybe this is because each year represented a much greater proportion of my life back then then they do now. And so much is going to happen in the next decade, which I guess links back into (1)
3) The fear that I don't have control over a situation - for me, this isn't normally too bad. When it comes to deadlines, I can control when and how much work I do. In life I can control what I do and when I do it. I can control what I do and don't eat, I can control. But what happens when I find myself in a situation I can't control? I'm going to explain a scenario here, and the person who it involved doesn't know until now how I felt about the situation, but here goes, so sorry I'm telling it like this! <3 Last week, a good friend of mine ended up in hospital, not under particularly dramatic circumstances (and by that I mean no sirens, no sudden change in events) it was just something that had to be done. So I went to go and visit her. When I got there, I was told that I couldn't see her right away and that I could wait. 20 minutes later the same nurse comes up to me and tells me that my friend is pretty unwell and that I should leave for a bit, to which I enquire about the strict visiting hours, and she tells me not to worry. So I leave the ward, and make my way out of the hospital, and I found myself in an empty corridor, completely and utterly lost, trying to find myself a coffee machine. I must have wandered past an operating theatre, because I was passed by a person running with one of those bags that contain organs before they get transplanted. It takes me completely by surprise, and there's no particular reason why it should, I mean I'm in a hospital, maybe this would be more surprising in any other environment, but a hospital? So I think about the people involved in this situation, not so much the person on the operating table, but the family, the family sitting in some waiting room somewhere in the same building that I was currently ambling around, potentially going hours with no news, and when there was news, what news would it be? The thumbs up, or the being ushered into a side room with the consultant, completely oblivious to what they're about to be told. I pray that it's the former and continue on down the hallway. I also think about the family who've just lost their loved one, the family who aren't going to be the same again, where there's always going to be a gap, where they're always going to feel just a little bit broken and I pray for comfort for them. I then think to my friend upstairs, and how I have no idea what's happening with her, nor what the situation is that dictates that I can't see her. Then I don't know when to go back, whether or not I'd just get sent away again. The realisation that I can't help or make this go away, no matter how much I want it to, so I begin to pray for her, and I find myself crying, standing (Standing! as I can't even find seating in this maze of a hospital!)
As it turns out, in my friends case at least, everything was fine.
I guess my point in this, is that fear is good, and despite how hectic everything is at the moment, it's nice to know that I can still feel something akin to fear. It was a glimpse, a horrible reminder of 2006, which I still maintain was the single worst year of my life so far, but it was beautiful as well, it's nice to remember that I'm capable of feeling something so intense. And not just the situation with my friend but also for 2 families completely unknown to me.
It's also so important to take a step back and remember why I'm doing this
I'm going to leave with a short note, thanks for the continuous reading of my ramblings!
XOX
Organ donation is so important, it can give life to someone who really needs, it's the best gift that somebody can give. It's always devastating when someone passes away, but organ donation can prevent another family experiencing the same situation prematurely.
More information can be found about it here:
http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/
Or you can register here:
https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/how_to_become_a_donor/registration/consent.asp
xxxxx
ReplyDelete