How do you know when you know?

Today I saw that some friends of my boyfriends have just got engaged. Now coming from Christian circles, I'm used to friends of mine getting engaged. Some the same age as me, some after being together for shorter periods of time, but I'm used to it, as I've had the attitude that, when we're ready and if it's right, then things would stop being so well, stagnant. 

But this one made me think, because in lots of ways, they're so similar to us, in that they're of similar age, and that although they've been together longer than us, it's a matter of months. In a few months time would I be ready to make the same commitment? Probably not.

But why is that? I mean is there something wrong with me that I'm so unsure? Even after 4 and a half years together. And the problem isn't with Adam, I mean I get the impression from him that he's right there, but I'm just not, I'm not even close.

I can blame this on numerous things, the fact that I'm from a broken home, and I'm so afraid of a relationship that started from when we were so young has the odds stacked against us as a result of this, and I feel so realistic about the possibility of a marriage failing, pessimistic? Yes. But that's all I've ever been taught, and I know it can work.

I can also blame it on the fact that our relationship is long distance. I realised it would be hard, but not this hard. Some days, I can't even remember how it felt when we used to see each other everyday. It's so easy to argue when you miss someone so much. And when you're not used to annoying habits, in my case, a lack of responsibility on his part which drives me insane, it's easy for these to be accentuated when you're not used to them anymore.
Also sometimes I feel so far away that I can't be a part of his life anymore, I'm just a spectator, a ghost of what used to be there, and also vice versa. It's so easy to get frustrated, which leads to arguments.Then these arguments lead to a lack of appreciation of the other person. I don't appreciate Adam like I should. He's so so lovely, in that he loves me so much, he really grasps onto the time that we have together and wants to spend every moment that he can grab with me. He puts up with my moods and frustrations with patience, talks to me when I'm upset, comforts me and he's never let go of me, although I'm miles away most of the time. He's hilarious, and is the only person who can leave me laughing until it hurts, and he's so so beautiful. He doesn't always do the right thing, or have the best ideas, but he always tries his hardest, and just picks himself up and carries on, which I really admire. He always tries his best to help me out, and others, because he's so compassionate.

But it's easy to forget all of this when you're so far away from each other.

See, I'm beginning to realise that love doesn't have to be like a romantic comedy to be right. You don't have to be swept off your feet everyday. It doesn't have to be easy all the time. You don't have to even like each other most of the time. You don't have to be desperate for each other 100% of the time. But maybe it's the person you can rely on if you need them, pick you up when you're feeling down, and when you're not feeling down. Maybe it's the person who you can look at, through all of their flaws, and still love them unconditionally, and who can do the same for you.

Maybe it's the person who being with, on the really really bad days, is still 100x better than the good days without them.

So yes, I'm not sure still, and I think there's something completely wrong with me for that, we have issues that need ironing out. But one day, I'll know. Will it be in the next few months? I'm not quite sure yet, but for now, I'm going to keep believing in the one person who's shown me such a huge amount of unconditional love over the last four and a half years, and I'm going to love him back unconditionally.

In our own time, we'll all eventually get there.

XOX

Fear, A Personal Overview

Fear is completely natural, for me, fear normally manifests itself in three ways:

1) The fear that I don't know what's going to happen- I hate the inability to meticulously plan things, to plan life, to know exactly what's going to happen at what exact point, to not know what the prognosis and the outcome is of a particular situation.

2) The fear that life is slipping me by. Next month I turn 21, and I know that's still young, and that I still have so much life ahead of me. But years are shorter than I remember them being as a child, maybe this is because each year represented a much greater proportion of my life back then then they do now. And so much is going to happen in the next decade, which I guess links back into (1)

3) The fear that I don't have control over a situation - for me, this isn't normally too bad. When it comes to deadlines, I can control when and how much work I do. In life I can control what I do and when I do it. I can control what I do and don't eat, I can control. But what happens when I find myself in a situation I can't control? I'm going to explain a scenario here, and the person who it involved doesn't know until now how I felt about the situation, but here goes, so sorry I'm telling it like this! <3 Last week, a good friend of mine ended up in hospital, not under particularly dramatic circumstances (and by that I mean no sirens, no sudden change in events) it was just something that had to be done. So I went to go and visit her. When I got there, I was told that I couldn't see her right away and that I could wait. 20 minutes later the same nurse comes up to me and tells me that my friend is pretty unwell and that I should leave for a bit, to which I enquire about the strict visiting hours, and she tells me not to worry. So I leave the ward, and make my way out of the hospital, and I found myself in an empty corridor, completely and utterly lost, trying to find myself a coffee machine. I must have wandered past an operating theatre, because I was passed by a person running with one of those bags that contain organs before they get transplanted. It takes me completely by surprise, and there's no particular reason why it should, I mean I'm in a hospital, maybe this would be more surprising in any other environment, but a hospital? So I think about the people involved in this situation, not so much the person on the operating table, but the family, the family sitting in some waiting room somewhere in the same building that I was currently ambling around, potentially going hours with no news, and when there was news, what news would it be? The thumbs up, or the being ushered into a side room with the consultant, completely oblivious to what they're about to be told. I pray that it's the former and continue on down the hallway. I also think about the family who've just lost their loved one, the family who aren't going to be the same again, where there's always going to be a gap, where they're always going to feel just a little bit broken and I pray for comfort for them. I then think to my friend upstairs, and how I have no idea what's happening with her, nor what the situation is that dictates that I can't see her. Then I don't know when to go back, whether or not I'd just get sent away again. The realisation that I can't help or make this go away, no matter how much I want it to, so I begin to pray for her, and I find myself crying, standing (Standing! as I can't even find seating in this maze of a hospital!)

As it turns out, in my friends case at least, everything was fine.

I guess my point in this, is that fear is good, and despite how hectic everything is at the moment, it's nice to know that I can still feel something akin to fear. It was a glimpse, a horrible reminder of 2006, which I still maintain was the single worst year of my life so far, but it was beautiful as well, it's nice to remember that I'm capable of feeling something so intense. And not just the situation with my friend but also for 2 families completely unknown to me.

It's also so important to take a step back and remember why I'm doing this

I'm going to leave with a short note, thanks for the continuous reading of my ramblings!

XOX


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Generic Snow Blog: March 2013

'Everyone needs to run out to their cars and get out whilst they can, because the pavement is FAR too slippery, so walking is ludicrous, and head to the nearest hill, but this has to be done at 5mph, y'know just to be 'safe', and abandon it halfway up, because you just can't quite make it. Gritters can't come out until at least 6am tomorrow morning, because coming out BEFORE the snow settled would have been ridiculous! Probably best to stop all the buses as well, but lets not close any of the shops, 'just in case' a customer comes in, which they will because clearly we're all going to be snowed in and starve to death if we don't immediately go to the nearest supermarket and bulk buy everything they have on the shelves and barricade ourselves in our homes, because we don't know how long this is going to take, who knows how long it'll be until the half an inch of snow outside melts...'

Today, the snow is falling once again and as usual everything has stopped. I'm happy to be home, because the need to abandon your car is horrible, especially for such a pointless trip! The likelihood is that most of us will be able to return to normality in the next few days, so the bulk buying of food is unnecessary, particularly when it's a week later and you still have 2 loaves of bread and 8 pints of milk that need to be used up by tomorrow. But  as ridiculously unprepared the UK is to deal with such an insignificant amount of snow, this gives us a great opportunity to sit back and breathe. I get stressed easily, and when I get stressed I get insomnia and become so unproductive it's painful. So tonight, instead of having a ridiculously busy evening comprised of various events, I'm going to sit back, have a proper dinner, and catch up with some work. Then perhaps I'll actually get a proper nights sleep

It's so easy to get wrapped up in everything that's going on as an individual, it's humbling to see how little control we actually do have when something like this happens,

XOX