Looking Back On What We've Done This Year..

I walked into CCK on Sunday, almost a year to the day in which I first arrived and it was so strange seeing all the new freshers, it made me think how were we this time last year?

The first thing that jumps into my head is about how unbelievably homesick I felt. I'd gone from this comfortable place, surrounded by people I love to a new area where I didn't know my way around and barely knew anyone and definitely didn't know anyone well. I spent a good proportion of that first week just willing myself back home. (Definitely must have been a little irritating too some of my new friends!). I didn't feel like I was coming to a new opportunity but leaving my entire life behind, and dooming myself to 3 years  to staring through glass, from the outside looking in. I know it seems strange, it seems strange to me now, but although I was moving out, living alone for the first time, I felt I was giving away my independence and dooming myself to be financially dependant on my parents again. I gave up my job, which I was so happy and comfortable in and my car which was the one of the first real steps to independence that I'd ever had, which was so tough to deal with.

Most of all, I knew I'd find it intolerable to be away from Adam for so long. We had 3 years of seeing each other most days, if I needed him, I knew exactly where to find him, and I could get to him. I had no idea how we were going to cope with long distance and if we were going to make it. I mean so many couples break up when they go to uni, and I had no idea if I was going to be one of those statistics.

So fast forward to today:

The major thing that's come out of being in Brighton, is that it's enabled me to really make my faith into my own and I've grown so much this year. I'm enjoying having a stronger relationship with God and in return He's blessing me with clarity and a hunger to know him more.
I've also gained so much independence. Not only do I live away from home and cope with the responsibilities of that, but I got a new job, which has been such a blessing, it's a perfect opportunity for me and I get to work with some amazing people. This then enabled me to get my car back and break out of the little uni 'bubble' that it's so easy to get trapped in when you move to a city like Brighton.
I'm not looking through the glass, I'm living inside. I've met so many amazing people since living in Brighton, including some of my best friends.
I'm doing a course that I love which satisfies me more than Highdown ever could. I'm in an environment in which I can really expand my knowledge and achieve the best that I possibly can, including potentially achieving my dream.

As for Adam... We're celebrating our 4 year anniversary in two weeks time, and things couldn't be better.

Let's see what the next year brings!

XOX

Bad Dreams

I have a recurring nightmare.

I'm running down a corridor, the walls and floors are white, the atmosphere smells of disinfectant, grey doors line the corridor, but I don't try and go through. It's night time and the fluorescent lights on sensors turn on behind me, but I'm running too fast. I'm running into the darkness. I know where I'm going but I can't get there.

This is a real situation of mine, but in reality I got to my location and began one of the worst day of my life so far.

I think the feeling of a lack of control is the worst. Of knowing something bad is happening and you're powerless to stop it. I think that's why I never get there in the dream. Everything is so sterile and impersonal & clinical. Its cold. In the dream I'm scared and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic. I don't know how it's possible to be scared of something that's never happened, I just know that it is. It's like no other feeling.
Most of all I'm determined. I'm determined to stop this happening, to help in anyway I possibly can. To save lives, to save families.

I know I can't save every life, & sometimes I'm powerless, but I'm determined to give all of myself to try.

XOX

New Blog, New Beginnings.

So basically I've decided to start a side- blog. This one will still continue and still be my main point of call as I go through life and head towards my ambitions.

I've also decided to write a blog dedicated to my personal relationship with God. It seems like a good idea to share my thoughts and what God's doing in my life as well as helping me to grow in  relationship.

The new URL is:

allcomesbacktoyou.blogspot.co.uk

This is to make both this blog and the posts which will now be done on the new blog a bit more focused  =]

Thanks so far to everyone who's reading this blog/ just coming across me, It's nice to think that someone's reading my thoughts and rantings as well as taking a personal interest in me and my ambitions.

I'll place a link in the side-bar also, if you fancy a read ;)

XOX

'A Living Sacrifice'

'And so, dear brothers & sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is the way to truly worship him. Don't copy the behaviours & customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.'
Romans 12v1-2 (NLT)

I read this verse today. I've been trying to improve my reading of the bible (Let's face it, I have A LOT of improvement in this area!) by doing a selection of plans, of which this one was part of a plan about food, a subject of which I've struggled with in the past. This is particularly in the way that it affects image.

As a biomedical science student, I can ramble of a million reasons about maintaining an 'ideal' size, body fat %, BMI etc. is good for your health, risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes. I can even understand the processes involving the storage of fats in the adipose cells. But this can also be a good excuse for your looks to become an obsession. In the 21st century we're thrown with images of stick thin celebrities and people who are anything higher than a size 6 being defined as 'curvy' with anything higher than a 12 being 'plus size'. Attractiveness is defined by BMI, which has been shown in studies to be shown at around a BMI of 20.

Being a size 10, I've felt the pressure to lose weight. I'm by no means overweight but I've been called 'fat' or been told I could 'lose a few pounds' to make clothes look better on me. Comments like this can easily make image become a lifestyle, constantly dieting, refusing food, leading to binging sessions and inevitable guilt. Whilst this is an obsession, we can so easily lose sight of the things we should be living for, we aren't looking to God if we're constantly looking to image and the conformation of others to find fulfilment. We cannot be fully satisfied by earthly things. I truly believe this. Things can satisfy for a short time and then, we're looking for something new to fill the void. This isn't the life that God has intended for us. The best way to find this is by placing everything into him, including ourselves.

Having struggled with this, I really struggled to read this today, and God would have known that. It's so easy to be paranoid about being the 'fat- friend' or being perceived as unattractive. But the best thing to do is Give it to God.

Don't fret over the little things ;)

XOX

Going back to get away...

So my 36 hours in Reading consisted of:
2 trips to mcdonalds
3 drinks
5 seperate items from phones 4 u
1 birthday bash
A trip to Henley
Several hours at the purple turtle
& a krispy doughnut
 as much as I love Brighton it doesn't quite match being back home, and I don't think i'll ever get used to being gone. So its always so nice to just go home :)

Anyway just a quick one today

 XOX

(will post a photo later!)

Here's to the past...

The past few days have been horrendous, all accumulating in me being stuck on the side of the A27 for about 2 hours longer than I would have hoped for. Running a car is meant to be expensive but mine has always been reasonably good, so it was quite sad that for the first time, I had to use my green flag membership but thinking about it, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful that my dad has my car on as an additional car on his breakdown cover, I thankful that today was the first decent weather day that we've had for a while, I'm thankful that I have a job and can actually afford this kind of thing when it happens (as inconvenient as it is, it isn't catastrophic), I'm thankful I broke down in a location where I could easily pull into a parking space and most of all, I'm thankful I wasn't alone when it happened.

It got me thinking though, that today hasn't been the worst day I've ever experienced. Not even close. As bad as it was I would spend weeks at the side of the road living on half a bottle of coke and dirty apples from the nearby tree, in gale force winds and a thunderstorm if it could have meant that that was the worst thing I'd ever go through would be that. My sister was a remarkable person, I never ever saw her get herself down, even though she had to deal with so much more than most people could even imagine. Even until the very end. She was my best friend, the person who I could always rely on to cheer me up when I went through just the normal things of growing up. I wish she could have been here to help me deal with people purposely making things difficult for me, life getting in the way in the most inconvenient of days and the things that are even bigger. I just can't help but think that sometimes things would just be a little bit easier if she was still around. But I try not to get sad about it any more (trust me it's difficult!) but think of it that the thing I'm most thankful for is that I got to have my best friend with me for 14 years and I couldn't really ask for more than that.

So the message I can leave with this is just be thankful for what you do have instead of being frustrated by the things you don't

I'm going to leave you with a picture of the most inspirational person I've ever had the privilege of knowing

XOX