I don't know what it is that makes me feel not quite at home here, Church-wise I'm more settled than I ever was in Reading, The people are lovely, I'm always busy, always stuck in. I have friends, a job, and all the home comforts I got used to in Reading, including my little saxo, but something's missing.
I don't know what it is.
I think its the phenomenon where you can be in a crowded room but still feel so alone, Brighton's so busy, it's so easy to get caught up with things but not only do I not know what's going on with my friends back home, but I don't know what's going on with people here. I have people who care about me and want to be there for me but I have a tendency to shut them out. On the back of my last blog, 4 people said to me that I don't need to be alone and that they'd come with me if that was what I wanted, and not because they felt they had to but because they wantedto, which really means a lot. But despite this I feel like I'm inwardly screaming but no-one knows. I don't know why I'm finding this winter tougher than normal, I guess it's so easy to get homesick this time of year,
I love Brighton, but I can't help but feel down
XOX
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
When It Rains...
I hate this time of year with a passion, I don't like how cold it gets, I don't like the leaf litter, the wind that chills you to your bones, particularly by the seaside. I hate the stress of Christmas I hate that I've worked the only 2 days that the sun's even been visible this month, I don't like de-icing the car, I hate what this time of year represents. I hate the rain.
Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.
A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.
It's just difficult sometimes
But in all actuality, I love this time of year.
I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.
I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.
So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,
XOX
Sometimes when I'm in Brighton, I have days when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do this course when it's so uncertain about whether or not I'll actually get to where I want to go, and I just want to go back home, back to a time when things were so much simpler. I don't want to be here alone at Christmastime. And it gets so stressful as well, uni are really piling on the workload at the moment, along with a multitude of commitments, I literally don't have any time to sleep, because that's the only free time I seem to have recently, which sucks because actually, I love my course, I love this city, I love that I have really supportive housemates, who have to put up with me when I have days like this.
A hearse passed me today, with a coffin in the back, and I began to wonder. Who was this person? What happened to them? What's going to happen to the people left behind, the people whose world has just changed completely. Then I found myself crying at a junction in the car. And again when I got home. But it serves as a reminder of why I'm doing everything, why I'm doing all of this. I want to help people, I want to be the person who can save lives, prevent people going through pain, treat people and be there when I can give people the good news. I want to make a difference. I want to change the perception that people have of doctors as being uncaring, seeing people as cases rather than individuals. I know some are amazing, but one bad experience can alter the perception and overshadow that. I know this because when I was younger I would judge all doctors on experiences that I've had with a select few, and there's been a lot of doctors that I've indirectly (and some directly) encountered in my lifetime. I want to try my absolute hardest to help people, even if I can't cure them, and I know that I won't be able to cure everyone. When I think of this it makes all of it more than worthwhile. I couldn't imagine doing this if I didn't have an ultimate goal.
It's just difficult sometimes
But in all actuality, I love this time of year.
I love decorating the house for Christmas, I love the looks on the boys faces when they get presents, I love being able to see my family, see my friends, see Adam. I love being able to wear chunky knit scarves and kick the leaves on the ground, I love laughing at myself when I fall over from kicking the leaves on the ground. I love being able to watch beautiful pink sunsets, even if it is from the windows of Asda. I love putting the heating on in the car, hot water bottles, blankets, white hot chocolate. I love playing secret Santa I love the snow (or the hope that we might get some snow) I love buying presents for people, and seeing expressions when they open them. I love the Christmas lights, both in Brighton and back home and I love the anticipation I feel when I know that this year I'll be driving home for Christmas, even if I can't go home for long.
I love that I'm doing what I really want to do in one of the most amazing places I know.
So even when things seem bad, there's so much more out there to enjoy also,
XOX
Sunday, 18 November 2012
It's Sunday morning and I would kill for the chance to drive
Since I was a kid, whenever I've gotten upset about things, I've always wanted to run, I even packed a bag once and walked down the road, but I only got halfway down before I turned back. I never want to go, I just want to get away. Last year, I got upset about my housing situation, it was exam time and I was stressing so much over everything, so I walked away, I walked all the way up the hill and sat outside our new house just dreaming of something a little better than this.
Tonight, I craved some greasy food, so I went up to the McDonalds drive-thru and then it came to driving home. I didn't want to go home so I drove 10 miles up the road to Worthing, all down the coast road. You see, I never know where I want to go when I do this kind of thing but I tend to go to something I've been thinking of, like the new house. I'd seen a picture of Worthing pier earlier in the day and that was enough to draw me to it. Some things that I observed:
Tonight, I craved some greasy food, so I went up to the McDonalds drive-thru and then it came to driving home. I didn't want to go home so I drove 10 miles up the road to Worthing, all down the coast road. You see, I never know where I want to go when I do this kind of thing but I tend to go to something I've been thinking of, like the new house. I'd seen a picture of Worthing pier earlier in the day and that was enough to draw me to it. Some things that I observed:
- The coast really isn't as scenic when you properly get out of Brighton
- People get really annoyed with you driving the speed limit when it's the middle of the night
- Sussex council really don't give much notice for road closures
- Closing the A27 really isn't a good idea, even if it is 3am
- Hollingbury at night feels like the scene of a horror movie when it's silent and you're alone. And next to a run-down old bus stop
- Police eye you up when you're driving around alone on a Saturday night
No matter where I go, no matter how much i want to escape, I always end up coming back
XOX
Monday, 22 October 2012
Could we pretend that sky lanterns in the night sky were like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...
So tonight, me and my 2 lovely housemates went to Brighton Racecourse to send a sky lantern up to Jenny for her birthday, so after some interesting CCTV footage, many discarded matches and 1 trip back to get matches after the lighter lost gas, we finally got it up in the air.
This time of year's always hard, I miss you loads..
XOX
This time of year's always hard, I miss you loads..
XOX
BRCA
I've been putting off writing this for so long, but it's on my mind so here goes...
Breast cancer has many associated genes, It's unknown exactly how many or the exact mechanism of action of all of these genes but it is known that having one of these genes increases your risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer considerably. The most common forms are known as BRCA 1 & 2.
BRCA is a tumour suppressor gene, which can become ineffective if mutated.
When testing for mutations on the BRCA gene, ordinarily the affected person is tested first, to which afterwards 1st and 2nd degree relatives are tested. The likelihood that an offspring would have inherited the gene is 50% due to an autosomal dominant inheritance pattern. It is located on chromosome 17, not a sex chromosome therefore the risk can be passed onto offspring of both genders.
A few weeks ago, I found out that my grandmother, who had breast cancer back in the 1980's. Recently it's been found it that she has a mutation on the BRCA 1 gene meaning that I have a 25% chance of having the gene myself.
So tomorrow, I'm scheduled in to have my first ever blood test and I'm scared. I'm scared of the needles, I'm scared its going to hurt. Most of all I'm scared of the result. I know there are things that can be done to reduce my chances with regular mammograms, not taking the contraceptive pill etc. but it's still frightening to have the prospect of potentially possessing some kind of genetic disorder.
There's also the options I have if I found out that I do have the gene. This includes a preventative mastectomy and/or oophorectomy, but then I want to have children. But if I do have this gene would it be worth risking passing it on to any potential offspring? I know that I also have the option of IVF with genetic screening, but it's costly with the potential ethical issue of is it right to choose an embryo on the basis of its genes? To test for a defect certainly, but where do we draw the line? What if my potential future offspring have to deal with seeing their mother go through such a traumatic experience?
There's also the issue of dysmenorrhea, to the point in which I suffer from emesis, among other symptoms. If I have a mutation in the BRCA gene then I need to stop taking the contraceptive pill which is the only thing that I've found to control the symptoms.
What if I don't have it.
I'd want to know in that circumstance, but I'm just so terrified of the result.
What if my mother has it? I don't know if I could deal with another immediate family member being so ill again, I don't think I can both emotionally and physically go through that again.
Wish me luck! I'm gladly welcoming prayers right now!
XOX
Breast cancer has many associated genes, It's unknown exactly how many or the exact mechanism of action of all of these genes but it is known that having one of these genes increases your risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer considerably. The most common forms are known as BRCA 1 & 2.
BRCA is a tumour suppressor gene, which can become ineffective if mutated.
When testing for mutations on the BRCA gene, ordinarily the affected person is tested first, to which afterwards 1st and 2nd degree relatives are tested. The likelihood that an offspring would have inherited the gene is 50% due to an autosomal dominant inheritance pattern. It is located on chromosome 17, not a sex chromosome therefore the risk can be passed onto offspring of both genders.
A few weeks ago, I found out that my grandmother, who had breast cancer back in the 1980's. Recently it's been found it that she has a mutation on the BRCA 1 gene meaning that I have a 25% chance of having the gene myself.
So tomorrow, I'm scheduled in to have my first ever blood test and I'm scared. I'm scared of the needles, I'm scared its going to hurt. Most of all I'm scared of the result. I know there are things that can be done to reduce my chances with regular mammograms, not taking the contraceptive pill etc. but it's still frightening to have the prospect of potentially possessing some kind of genetic disorder.
There's also the options I have if I found out that I do have the gene. This includes a preventative mastectomy and/or oophorectomy, but then I want to have children. But if I do have this gene would it be worth risking passing it on to any potential offspring? I know that I also have the option of IVF with genetic screening, but it's costly with the potential ethical issue of is it right to choose an embryo on the basis of its genes? To test for a defect certainly, but where do we draw the line? What if my potential future offspring have to deal with seeing their mother go through such a traumatic experience?
There's also the issue of dysmenorrhea, to the point in which I suffer from emesis, among other symptoms. If I have a mutation in the BRCA gene then I need to stop taking the contraceptive pill which is the only thing that I've found to control the symptoms.
What if I don't have it.
I'd want to know in that circumstance, but I'm just so terrified of the result.
What if my mother has it? I don't know if I could deal with another immediate family member being so ill again, I don't think I can both emotionally and physically go through that again.
Wish me luck! I'm gladly welcoming prayers right now!
XOX
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Normal?
So today marks 22 years since the birth of my sister, but instead of making plans and buying gifts I'm having a completely normal day, I'm going to work followed by church. Uneventful? certainly. But to me this is huge. This will be the first year in the last 6 years that I haven't sat and wallowed in self pity for the whole day, It will also be the first year I'm not in Reading. And whilst it's so easy to feel totally alone, it's quite nice having the anonymity. I'm not going to be surrounded by people who know what today is, so people aren't going to come up to me and ask how I'm doing or if I'm upset. As nice as it is, I think I might cry if they did so, and I'm trying to be as normal as possible.
This weeks been so hard, it's been a frustrating week anyway. My car has a problem with its fan that has re-occurred, following this the fitting for my windscreen wiper snapped causing it to displace whilst I was driving. Then 2 days ago I go around the corner to find the wing mirror dangling down beside my car. So when I think this is more than enough for me to handle, I walk out to go to work yesterday evening to find my wheel arch scratched and dented from where someone had hit it whilst it was parked. This led to me crying in the car, something I haven't done for a long time. But it wasn't just the car. I try to be so strong, because it's not productive to anyone else if I fall apart, and I guess I expect it to be easier now it's been so long and so much has happened since, but it's not always easy, and this time of year it's so much harder to pretend.
Anyway, Happy 22nd Birthday Jenny :)
XOX
This weeks been so hard, it's been a frustrating week anyway. My car has a problem with its fan that has re-occurred, following this the fitting for my windscreen wiper snapped causing it to displace whilst I was driving. Then 2 days ago I go around the corner to find the wing mirror dangling down beside my car. So when I think this is more than enough for me to handle, I walk out to go to work yesterday evening to find my wheel arch scratched and dented from where someone had hit it whilst it was parked. This led to me crying in the car, something I haven't done for a long time. But it wasn't just the car. I try to be so strong, because it's not productive to anyone else if I fall apart, and I guess I expect it to be easier now it's been so long and so much has happened since, but it's not always easy, and this time of year it's so much harder to pretend.
Anyway, Happy 22nd Birthday Jenny :)
XOX
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Questions Of Science, Science & Progress Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart
Tonight we had the worst thunderstorm we've had for a while. Now usually by the sea we don't get the weather too bad but even Brighton didn't escape it today. My lovely housemates have abandoned me tonight! So I decided to try and improve on guitar (one of my ambitions before summer!)
Look Proof!:
Look Proof!:
As much as I love studying science, I need a creative outlet! For the last 2 years this has been through my photography but I've really missed music. I also played some piano today (to a shop full of people but still..) and I still get a feeling that I don't get from playing music. I really wish I'd been encouraged from young to play, but I suppose I still get the same satisfaction from it as it's something I fought to be able to take up.
My beautiful little brother Ben turns 6 on Saturday and I really got stuck for a present so I got him this (I guess I'm hoping for him to take after his sisters!!) Also he's a big boy now, It'll be nice to give him something that he can (hopefully!) look after & cherish :) So here it is!:
I've tuned it up for him & I'm sure he'll love it, he loved the little plastic one I got him when he was 4. It's a 3/4 size, so he can use it now, but also he can keep it for a few years before he's too big for it.
As for uni, I started 2nd year this week, and although I'm incredibly intimidated by the expected workload, I believe I can achieve the necessary grades for me to get into medicine so I've created a system. For each lecture I'm planning to for each lecture have slides, notes, notes on extra reading and annotated related articles as well as keeping a hand-written glossary of terms which I will add to over the year. The folder looks so good so far!
I'm pretty proud of it....
Things are also moving on the volunteering side of things, I'm going to start attending meetings for Red Cross next week. This along with an interview for active student (which I'm aiming to achieve) and a possible week in Thailand in summer of next year, I'm well on the way to getting some valuable experience for my medical application and help me to develop skills with people. I'm compassionate about people so I'm incredibly excited for this!!
Wish me luck!
XOX
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